Darcy 'n Bingley in da 'Hood
by BelleEpoquer
Summary: A modern version of this much loved classic. Think Vicky Pollard for Elizabeth Bennet and Ali G for Darcy...
1. Chapter 1

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single brother in possession of a good crew must be in want of a woman.

However little known the feelings or views of such a brother may be on his first entering the 'hood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered as the rightful property of someone or other of their daughters.

'Oi, Bennet,' said his lady to him one day, 'some bloke has only gone and rented out that top flat in the Netherfield Tower apartment block.'

'I ain't heard nuffin,' replied Mr. Bennet who continued to peruse page 3 of The Sun.

'Well, it has,' replied she, 'Old Lilly Longdraws has just had a snoop around and told me all about it.'

Mr. Bennet made no answer.

'D'you wanna know who's living there, or what?' cried his wife impatiently.

'Do I have a choice?'

This was invitation enough.

'No, so shut up and listen. Old Lill says that the top flat at Netherfield Tower has been rented out to a bloke who's got a job. A proper one. I'm not talking working in McDonalds or nuffink, yeah. He's got lolly yeah, I'm talking lots of dosh. Only problem being that he's from the norf so he's gonna have a bloody annoying accent but anyway it don't matter cos of the money, innit. Anyway, he came done on a proper nice bike, Harley or somefink, God knows where he's gonna keep it cos that'll be stolen before he can blink. Anyway, Old Lill reckons he's got some illegals working for him that do all his chores and stuff and they're coming down by the end of the week and he's gonna come down soon after. Lill said he sounds well posh even though he is northern.'

'What's his name?'

'Bingley.'

'He got kids or what?'

'Na, according to old Lill he's single, ain't got no kids, no live in girlfriend, nuffink. And he's on good money. Proper job. Has to wear a suit to work and everything. Mr. Morris reckoned his suit was well nice from the M&S Collezione range. They use proper wool, none of your polyester shit. Innit a great for our girls.'

'Why? Wots it got to do with them lot?'

'Listen arsehole,' replied his wife, 'don't piss me off, yeah. You must know I'm think of him getting one of them preggers so that she can live off the maintenance.'

'Good luck with that. If he ain't got no kids and no ex girlfriend he sounds well gay to me.'

'Bullshit! He ain't gay. No way. Old Lill reckons he gave her the eye. But I reckons she's just bigging herself up as per usual. But I reckon once he claps eyes on my girls he's gonna want to get the whole lot of em preggers. So best you go give him the once over and see if he's good for the money and all that. Make sure he ain't got the pox or nuffing. I don't want my girls catching nuffing. They're clean they are. Apart from Lydia got crabs at the moment but I reckon it's from them toilet seats at Westfield shopping centre.'

'And how am I supposed to do that? Oh do excuse me for one moment while I fumble around in your jeans and inspect your dick. Don't mind the miners hat. It helps me to spot genital warts. Na, I ain't going. Just send the girls over. Don't you go mind else he might want a ride on you an all. You still got it going on girl.'

'Leave it out! I was a right goer when I was younger, granted but since my prolapse me sex drive has gone down the pan.'

'Yeah, that's true. Put me off me dinner first time I saw your jaxy hanging out. I always have eight pints and the light turned off these days.'

'Dirty bastard, anyway, you going to see this bloke or what?'

'Na, I can't be arsed.'

'But what about the girls? None of them have got jobs. That top flat at Netherfield Tower is well nice. One of the girls could live there and be settled. Old snooty next door and her hubby are going over to say hello so you must go. I ain't having one of her girls beat my girls to getting pregnant by money. I can tell you that for free.'

'Wos his number? I'll text him. I'll say that he can shag who he wants of me girls but say that he'd be best off with Lizzy.'

'I don't want you to text him. I want you to get off your lazy, spotty arse and visit him. And stop favouring Lizzy. She ain't no better than no one. Jane is fucking gorgeous and Lydia won't be far behind once you stop being a tight wad and give that boob job that she's been after for her fifteenth birthday.'

'They're all dozy tarts if you ask me. Lizzy's alright though. Sometimes she's a bit up herself though, granted.'

'How can you slag your own kids off? You love winding me up you do. No wonder I'm on valium, temazepan, Quaaludes and the rest. That's why I'm incontinent. Not me weight. Bastard.'

'If you didn't have them drugs you'd be climbing the wall, especially since they closed the bingo hall. Talking of which take a 'lude cos you're doing my fucking head in.'

'You sadomasochist bastard. You ruined my life. I hate you. I will leave you know. One day.'

'But not before you get all your daughters pregnant by blokes with good jobs I hope.'

'Even if twenty of em move into the Netherfield Towers it won't do no good cos you won't do nuffing to help.'

'If there were twenty of em then I'd stir me stumps and meet em all.'

Mr. Bennet was an odd mixture of unwashed socks and Old Spice aftershave. His wife was an empty headed idiot. The business of her life was to get her daughters on benefits, with their own flats and lots of child maintenance; it's solace was watching Jeremy Kyle and talking shit with her neighbours.


	2. Chapter 2

Mr. Bennet was among the earliest of those who went to visit Mr. Bingley at Netherfield Tower. He had always intended to visit him, though to the last always assuring his wife that he would not visit; and till the evening after the visit was paid, she had no knowledge of it. It was then disclosed in the following manner. Observing his second daughter employed in trimming her bikini line, he suddenly addressed her with,

'I hope Mr. Bingley will like it, Lizzy.'

'We're never going to bloody know what Mr. Bingley likes,' said her mother resentfully,' since you ain't even gorn over there to introduce yourself, like.'

'It don't matter Mum,' said Elizabeth, 'cos we're gonna see him at the next rave anyway, and old Lilly Long has promised to introduce him. If she ain't off her head on ecstacy.'

'She ain't gonna introduce him to us. No way. She's got two nieces of her own who need their own flats and benefits. She's a fucking selfish bitch. I hate her.'

'That's good that you ain't depending on your old mate Lill then,' said Mr. Bennet.

Mrs. Bennet deigned not to make any reply; but unable to contain herself, began scolding one of her daughters.

'Will you stop fucking coughing, Kitty, you're doing my head in. Fucking pack it in and pass me my valium.'

'Yeah, you heard your muvver. Fucking pack it in. It's giving your muvver the right hump.'

'I can't fucking help it!' replied Kitty fretfully, 'my lungs are fucked after a lifetime of passive smoking. You bastards.'

'When's the next rave, Lizzy?'

'Two weeks time.'

'Old Lill don't come back until the day before so how's she gonna introduce us?' cried her mother, 'she ain't gonna know who the fuck he is herself. Selfish cow.'

'Well then, you can introduce him to Old Lill yourself.'

'Piss off and stop winding me up, arsehole. You're fucking getting on my tits today. I hate you and you're crap in bed.'

'Calm down, keep your knickers on. I know a fortnight ain't a long time to know somebody but somebody's gotta introduce him to her. Her nieces have got to have a fighting chance of getting maintenance and a flat out of him an orl. If you don't introduce him to her then I will.'

The girls stared at their father, Mrs. Bennet said only, 'Fuck off.'

'What? You wanted an introduction a minute ago. You've been giving me GBH of the earhole for days,' he cried. 'Don't you want no introductions now then? Gorn orf them, have ya? What do you fink about it orl, Mary? You read all them women's magazines and stuff. What have you got to say on the subject?'

Mary's eyes narrowed as she took a long toke on her joint. She wanted to say something sensible but instead tried to suppress a giggle.

'On second thoughts, stick to ya joint love. I'm more interested in talking about Mr. Bingley.

'Mr. Bingley can fuck off,' cried his wife.

'Well, why didn't you bloody tell me before? If I'd know as much this morning I wouldn't have visited him at Netherfield Tower on me way to the bookies. I've introduced myself so he's an acquaintance now. So now what we going to fucking do?'

The astonishment of the ladies was just what he wished; that of Mrs. Bennet perhaps surpassing the rest; though when the first tumult of joy was over, she began to declare that it was what she had expected all the while.

'You fucking wind up merchant! I knew you was up to somefing! I bloody knew it! I knew that you wanted your girls safe and on benefits and with a flat of their own, really. Yeah, good joke. I fucking love you, you bastard.'

'Right, carry on coughing Kitty, I'm orf. I've got a turtles head,' said Mr. Bennet; and, as he spoke, he left the room, fatigued with the raptures of his wife.

'I love him, girls,' said she, when the door was shit. 'He's a fucking brilliant dad, ain't he? Mind you, I'm a shit hot mum so...at our time of life we don't need all this meeting new people crap. Your dad's got his mates down the bookies and I've got Old Lill and me sister over at Meryton Tower. We don't need no more but for your sakes, cos we wanna see ya settled as single mums in our own flats with lots of maintenance we go that extra mile and try and find blokes what can get ya preggers. Lydia, love, you're the youngest but I'm sure that Mr. Bingley will dance with you at the next rave, 'specially if you were that black padded, plunge bra that you dipped from M&S last week.'

'Oh,' said Lydia stoutly, 'I'm not afraid, I might be the youngest but I've got the nicest arse.'

The rest of the evening was spent in conjecturing how soon he would return Mr. Bennet's visit, and determining when they should ask him to dinner.

'Oi, Lizzy,' said Mrs. Bennet as she blew out a plume of smoke, 'you could make your spag bol when he comes over. Mrs. Bennet was sprawled over a stained, broken down sofa and Jane was cutting her toe nails for her. ' Or failing that, Lydia you could dip something from Asda's 'Picked by Chavs' range.'


	3. Chapter 3

Not all that Mrs. Bennet, however, with the assistance of her five daughters, could ask on the subject was sufficient to draw from her husband any satisfactory description of Mr. Bingley. They attacked him in various ways; with barefaced questions, ingenious suppositions, and distant surmises; but he eluded the skill of them all; and they were at last obliged to accept the second-hand intelligence of their neighbour old 'Lady' Lucas. Her report was highly favourable. Her Willie had been delighted with him. He was quite young, wonderfully handsome, extremely agreeable, and, to crown the whole, he meant to be at the next rave with a large party. Nothing could be more delightful! To be fond of raving was a certain step towards falling in love; and very lively hopes of Mr. Bingley's heart were entertained.

'If I can see one of my daughters happily settled at Netherfield Tower,'' said Mrs. Bennet to her husband, 'and all the others equally well settled, I'll be as happy as a pig in shit.'

In a few days Mr. Bingley returned Mr. Bennet's visit, and sat about ten minutes with him in his kitchen diner. He had entertained hopes of being admitted to a sight of the young ladies, of whose beauty he had heard much; but he saw only the father. The ladies were somewhat more fortunate, for they had the advantage of ascertaining, from an upper window, that he wore a blue leather biker jacket and rode a black motor bike.

An invitation to dinner was soon afterwards dispatched; and already had Mrs. Bennet planned the courses that were to do credit to Lydia's shoplifting, when an answer arrived which deferred it all. Mr. Bingley was obliged to be in the west end the following day, and consequently unable to accept the honour of their invitation, &c. Mrs. Bennet was quite disconcerted. She could not imagine what business he could have in the west end so soon after his arrival at Tower Hamlets; and she began to fear that he might be always flying about from one place to another, and never settled at Netherfield Tower as he ought to be. Lady quieted her fears a little by starting the idea of his being gone to west London only to get a large party for the ball; and a report soon followed that Mr. Bingley was to bring twelve ladies and seven gentlemen with him to the rave. The girls grieved over such a large number of ladies; but were comforted the day before the rave by hearing that, instead of twelve, he had brought only six with him from west London, his five sisters and a cousin. And when the party entered the rave, it consisted of only five altogether; Mr. Bingley, his two sisters, the husband of the oldest, and another young man.

Mr. Bingley was good looking and gentlemanlike; he had a pleasant countenance, and easy, unaffected manners. His brother-in-law, Mr. Hurst, merely looked the gentleman; but his friend Mr. Darcy soon drew the attention of the room by his fine, tall person, handsome features, noble mien; and the report which was in general circulation within five minutes after his entrance, of his having his own company. The gentlemen pronounced him to be a fine figure of a man, the ladies declared he was much handsomer than Mr. Bingley, and he was looked at with great admiration for about half the evening, till his manners gave a disgust which turned the tide of his popularity; for he was discovered to be proud, to be above his company, and above being pleased; and not all his large council estate house in Derbyshire could then save him from having a most forbidding, disagreeable countenance, and being unworthy to be compared with his friend.

Mr. Bingley had soon made himself acquainted with all the principal people in the rave; he was lively and unreserved, after dropping an E he danced every dance, was angry that the rave closed so early, and talked of giving one himself at Netherfield Tower. Such amiable qualities must speak for themselves. What a contrast between him and his friend! Mr. Darcy danced only once with Mrs. Hurst and once with Miss Bingley, declined being introduced to any other lady, and spent the rest of the evening in walking about the rave, speaking occasionally to one of his own party. His character was decided. He was the proudest, most disagreeable man in the world, and everybody hoped that he would never come there again. Amongst the most violent against him was Mrs. Bennet, whose dislike of his general behaviour was sharpened into particular resentment by his having slighted one of her daughters.

Elizabeth Bennet had been obliged, by the scarcity of gentlemen, to sit down for two dances; and during part of that time, Mr. Darcy had been standing near enough for her to overhear a conversation between him and Mr. Bingley, who came from the dance for a few minutes to press his friend to join it.

'For fucks sake, Darcy,' said he, ' Drop an E and have a dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself, you look like a right plonker. All the punani are gonna fink your gay. Dance you bastard.' better dance.''

'Piss off. You know how I fucking loath it, unless I've already shagged my partner. At such an rave as this, it would be insupportable. I've already had all your sisters, and every other bint here is a right slag.'

'Don't be so fucking fussy,' cried Bingley, 'I reckon the punani here are well nice and well up for it. And there's a couple I wouldn't mind having a threesome with. Look at the tits on her!'

'You are dancing with the only decent bit of skirt at this rave,' said Mr. Darcy, looking at the eldest Miss Bennet.

'Oh! she is well tasty! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is a bit of alright, I'd give her one. I'll tell her you wanna dance with her.'

'Who ya talking about?' and turning round, he looked for a moment at Elizabeth, till catching her eye, he withdrew his own and coldly said, 'She'd be alright with a bag over her head; but not got big enought tits to tempt me; and I ain't in the mood to be talking to sloppy seconds. You had better go back to your punani and enjoy her smiles, she looks fucking wasted.'

Mr. Bingley followed his advice. Mr. Darcy walked off; and Elizabeth remained with no very cordial feelings towards him. She told the story however with great spirit among her friends; for she had a lively, playful disposition, which delighted in anything ridiculous.

The evening altogether passed off pleasantly to the whole family. Mrs. Bennet had seen her eldest daughter much admired by the Netherfield Tower party. Mr. Bingley had danced with her twice, and she had been distinguished by his sisters. Jane was as much gratified by this as her mother could be, though in a quieter way. Elizabeth felt Jane's pleasure. Lydia had heard herself mentioned to Miss Bingley as the most accomplished shoplifter in the neighbourhood; and Catherine had been fortunate enough to be never without partners, which was all that she had yet learnt to care for at a rave. They returned therefore, in good spirits to Longbourn Tower, the tower block where they lived, and of which they were the principal inhabitants. They found Mr. Bennet still up, trying to figure out how to work an ipad that Lydia had stolen that afternoon, he was regardless of time; and on the present occasion he had a good deal of curiosity as to the event of an evening which had raised such splendid expectations. He had rather hoped that all his wife's views on the stranger would be disappointed; but he soon found that he had a very different story to hear.

'Oi! Mush!' she said as she entered the room, 'we have had a most fucking delightful evening, a most fucking excellent rave. I wish you had been there. Jane was the top tottie at the rave. Everybody thought she was up the duff because she was glowing; and Mr. Bingley thought she was well hot, and danced with her twice. Yeah, he actually danced with her twice; and she was the only girl in the room that he asked a second time. First of all, he asked old Lady's daughter. I was so vexed to see him touching her saggy arse; but, however, it was just a quick grope, well, it's all that slag's good for. Anyway, then he clocks Jane on the dance floor and that was it. So, he enquired who she was, and got introduced, and asked her for the two next dances. Then, he danced with Kylie King, slag, and the then he danced with Maria Lucas, just being polite like. He ain't no pedo. And then he danced with Jane again, and then with Lizzy.'

'If he had had any compassion for me,' cried her husband impatiently, 'he wouldn't have danced at all! For fuck's sake, shut up. I wish that he'd friggin got off his head on skag in the first dance!'

'Fuck off!' continued Mrs. Bennet, ``I fink he's great. And fucking gorgeous he is! His sisters are alright an all. I loved what they was wearing. Lydia, did you clock that dress Caroline Bingley was wearing? Find out which shop she got it from and dip one for me will ya love. Or see if you can get one similar down Petticoat Lane off that bloke who you gave a blowy to.'

Here she was interrupted again. Mr. Bennet protested against any description of finery. She was therefore obliged to seek another branch of the subject, and related, with much bitterness of spirit and some exaggeration, the shocking rudeness of Mr. Darcy.

'But I can assure you, she added, 'that Lizzy does not lose much by not suiting his fancy; because I'm telling you know that he is a gay bastard, not at all worth pleasing. Mr. Lord Snooty Pants. Thinking himself so high and mighty. Fucking wanker. So what if he's got a council house with a garden in Derbyshire. So fucking what! Conceited bastard. He minced about here, and he minced about there, fancying himself king of the fucking world! Alright with a bag over her head! I wish you had been there, sweetheart, to have given him one of your left hooks. I fucking hate the bastard.'


	4. Chapter 4

When Jane and Elizabeth were alone, the former, who had been cautious in her praise of Mr. Bingley before, expressed to her sister how very much she admired him.  
``That Bingley was well nice,'' said she, ``a real fucking laugh; and nice manners. Did you hear him say sorry after he farted? – and really laid back an orl!''

``He was proper good looking,'' replied Elizabeth, ``with what looked like a tasty little package going on in is lunchbox. I wouldn't say no to getting me nashers round that. But you've got first dibbs.''

"I was very much flattered by his asking me to dance a second time. I did not expect such a compliment.''

``Didn't you? I did for you. Once he knew you was wearing no knickers he was all over you like a fly round shit. Compliments always take you by surprise, and me never. What could be more natural than his asking you again? He could not help seeing that you were about five times as pretty as every other women in the room and not wearing any knickers so corse he was going to ask you to dance. But ya, fair does, he seemed like a nice bloke. If you wanna shag him then go right ahead. I ain't gonna fuck it up for you. He can't help being a northerner.''

``Dear Lizzy!''

``Oh! You like anybody you do. You shag em all and never slag em off afterwards when they don't call. ''

``I don't wanna be too quick to judge nobody; but I always say what I think.''

``I know you do. You're proper lovely you are. I mean anybody can pretend to think nice of others but you honestly do. Did you like his sisters? I fort they was right snooty bitches."

``Certainly not; at first. But they was alright once you got talking to them. Caroline is gonna stay with her bruv at Netherfield tower and do his cooking and that. I think she'll be a larf."

Elizabeth listened in silence, but was not convinced. Their behaviour at the rave had not been calculated to please in general; and with more quickness of observation and less pliancy of temper than her sister, and with a judgment, too, unassailed by any attention to herself, she was very little disposed to approve them. They were in fact very fine ladies, not deficient in good humour when they were pleased, nor in the power of being agreeable where they chose it; but proud and conceited. They were rather handsome, had been educated at private school, had good jobs, were in the habit of spending more than they ought, and of associating with people of rank; and were therefore in every respect entitled to think well of themselves, and meanly of others. They were of a respectable family in the north of England; a circumstance more deeply impressed on their memories than that their brother's fortune and their own had been acquired by their dad owning a string of chippies.

Mr. Bingley inherited property to the amount of nearly an hundred thousand pounds from his father, who had intended to purchase a house, but did not live to do it. - Mr. Bingley intended it likewise, and sometimes made choice of his county; but as he was now provided with a good flat and the liberty of a manor, it was doubtful to many of those who best knew the easiness of his temper, whether he might not spend the remainder of his days at Netherfield tower, and leave the next generation to purchase.

His sisters were very anxious for his having a house of his own; but though he was now established only as a tenant, Miss Bingley was by no means unwilling to preside at his table, nor was Mrs. Hurst, who had married a man of more fashion than fortune, less disposed to consider his house as her home when it suited her. Mr. Bingley had not been of age two years, when he was tempted by an accidental recommendation to look at Netherfield tower block. He did look at it and into it for half an hour, was pleased with the situation and the principal rooms, satisfied with what the owner said in its praise, and took it immediately.

Between him and Darcy there was a very steady friendship, in spite of a great opposition of character. - Bingley was endeared to Darcy by the easiness, openness, ductility of his temper, though no disposition could offer a greater contrast to his own, and though with his own he never appeared dissatisfied. On the strength of Darcy's regard Bingley had the firmest reliance, and of his judgment the highest opinion. In understanding, Darcy was the superior. Bingley was by no means deficient, but Darcy was clever. He was at the same time haughty, reserved, and fastidious, and his manners, though well bred, were not inviting. In that respect his friend had greatly the advantage. Bingley was sure of being liked wherever he appeared; Darcy was continually giving offence.

The manner in which they spoke of the rave was sufficiently characteristic. Bingley had never met with pleasanter people or prettier girls in his life; everybody had been most kind and attentive to him, there had been no formality, no stiffness; he had soon felt acquainted with all the room; and as to Miss Bennet, he could not conceive an angel more beautiful. Darcy, on the contrary, had seen a collection of people in whom there was little beauty and no fashion, for none of whom he had felt the smallest interest, and from none received either attention or pleasure. Miss Bennet he acknowledged to be pretty, but she smiled too much.

Mrs. Hurst and her sister allowed it to be so - but still they admired her and liked her, and pronounced her to be a sweet girl, and one whom they should not object to know more of. Miss Bennet was therefore established as a sweet girl, and their brother felt authorised by such commendation to think of her as he chose.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

A few flights of stairs up from them in the Longbourn tower block lived a family with whom the Bennets were particularly intimate. Willie Lucas had been formerly a taxi driver and cub scout leader, when he had made a tolerable fortune and risen to the honour of top scout leader for the whole of Tower Hamlets by an address to the Queen. The distinction had perhaps been felt too strongly. It had given him a disgust to his business of cabbing and to his residence in a pokey flat; and quitting them both, he had removed with his family to a larger flat on a higher floor, denominated from that period Lucas Lodge, where he could think with pleasure of his own importance, and, unshackled by business, occupy himself solely in being civil to all the world. For though elated by his rank, it did not render him supercilious; on the contrary, he was all attention to everybody. By nature inoffensive, friendly and obliging, his presentation at Buckingham Palace had made him courteous.

His wife, Lady, was a very good kind of woman, not too clever to be a valuable neighbour to Mrs. Bennet. - They had several children. The eldest of them, a sensible, intelligent young woman, about twenty-seven, was Elizabeth's intimate friend.

That the Miss Lucases and the Miss Bennets should meet to talk over a rave was absolutely necessary; and the morning after the rave brought the former to Longbourn to hear and to communicate.

``You done alright for yourself last night, Charlotte,'' said Mrs. Bennet with civil self-command to Miss Lucas. ``You were Mr. Bingley's first choice. Must have been those bubble gum pink thongs that was peeping over jeans. Woz they comfortable? Cos they looked a bit tight to me.''

``He seemed to like his second choice better.''

``Oh! - you mean Jane, yeah, cos he danced with her twice. Yeah, I fink he really had the hots for my Jane."

``Yeah, you're right there Mrs. Bennet because I heard that Bingley geezer say to Robin that he thought Jane was well gorgeous."

``Well, that's it. Everybody else can keep their mitts off him. He's my Jane's. As well as maintanence she might be able to get a ring out of him! But ya never know with blokes. He could just shag her and leave her. Wouldn't be the first time would it Jane my love."

``Always a risk, that. Still, he's nicer than his mate,'' said Charlotte. `That Darcy is well rude and proper not worth listening to.''

``I can't stand the bastard. He sat next to old Lill for half an hour and didn't say a word. I reckon he's got a small dick.''

``Are you sure mum?'' said Jane. - ``I saw Mr. Darcy speaking to her.''

``She just asked him if he liked the flat at Netherfield and he got the right hump.''

``Miss Bingley told me,'' said Jane, ``that he don't talk to nobody what he don't know. But if he likes ya then he'll talk to ya.''

``Bollocks! He's just a fucking snob. He probably found out that Lill done have a car and had to get to the rave via public transport. Hence she was a bit late."

``I reckon he's a right tosser'' said Charlotte, ``for not dancing with Eliza.''

``From now on, don't you dare fucking dance with that toss pot, Lizzy,'' said her mother.

``Chillax mum. I ain't gonna dance with him anyway.''

``Maybe,'' said Miss Lucas, ``because he's got looks and money he thinks he's king of fucking everything and that he has a right to be proud.''

``True,'' replied Elizabeth, `But I still prefer the small dick explaination.''

``Pride,'' observed Mary, who piqued herself upon the solidity of her reflections, ``is a very common failing I believe..."

" Put a sock in it sweetheart," opined Mr. Bennet.

``If I were as rich as Mr. Darcy,'' cried a young Lucas who came with his sisters, ``I wouldn't give a shit what anyone thought of me and I would keep a pack of pit bulls, and snort an eight ball of coke every day.''

``Naughty boy,'' said Mrs. Bennet; ``coke is for adults, not children.''

The boy protested that it wasn't; she continued to declare that it was, and the argument ended only with the visit.


	6. Chapter 6

The ladies of Longbourn tower soon waited on those of Netherfield tower. The visit was returned in due form. Miss Bennet's pleasing manners grew on the good will of Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley; and though the mother was found to be intolerable and the younger sisters not worth speaking to, a wish of being better acquainted with them was expressed towards the two eldest. By Jane this attention was received with the greatest pleasure; but Elizabeth still saw superciliousness in their treatment of everybody, hardly excepting even her sister, and could not like them; though their kindness to Jane, such as it was, had a value, as arising in all probability from the influence of their brother's admiration. It was generally evident whenever they met, that he did admire her; and to her it was equally evident that Jane was yielding to the preference which she had begun to entertain for him from the first, and was in a way to be very much in love; but she considered with pleasure that it was not likely to be discovered by the world in general, since Jane united with great strength of feeling a composure of temper and a uniform cheerfulness of manner, which would guard her from the suspicions of the impertinent. She mentioned this to her friend Miss Lucas.

``I fink if ya fancy a bloke,'' replied Charlotte, ``it's better to show it cos uverwise he could get bored and piss off with some slag who walks around with her tits hanging out, innit. Cos he might fink 'well, I ain't making a move on her cos she's probably a lezza so I fink I'll shag this tasty piece standing next to me who's running her tongue across her teef and rubbing me crotch like a good'un. OK, so you save face cos no over bugger knew you was into him but at the end of the day, so what? He's none the wiser and having a nice time shagging the local bike up an alley while you're at home with nothing to keep you company that your rampant rabbit. I fink you've gotta help 'em on a bit. Bend over to pick up the change and let him see you ain't wearing no knickers and he'll be gagging for it. Works for me every time and I ain't no oil painting or spring chicken."

``But she does help him on but you know our Jane, she's well shy. But she always undoes a button and wears Lydia's push up bra if she's gonna see Bingley. He must be proper fick if he can't work out what's going on when she's shoving her tits in his face."

"Yeah, but he don't know her like what we do. He might just fink she's a slag in general."

``Na, she's being well brazen, for her, like.''

``Ya, but he don't see much of her on his own, do he? So he could just think she's being a bit of a slag instead of realising the show's all for him. She should just get him in bed, get pregnant, get maintenance and afterwards if she, the silly sod, wants to fall in love well then, so be it."

``Good one,'' replied Elizabeth, ``if all ya want is some maintenance of a rich bloke but Jane ain't like that. She really likes this Bingley geezer. I ain't saying she's in love or nuffing, she's only known him two friggin weeks but shes been to four raves with him and been to McDonalds three times and once to Kentucky Fried, as part of a crowd. So she don't know him that well yet over than to know that she'd seriously like to shag him.''

``Three times to McDonalds is loads.''

``Yes; she now knows that he prefers Big Macs to Quarter Pounders with cheese which I think is plain wrong cos that white sauce they squirt inside Big Macs tastes like jiz. So maybe he is gay after all and that's why he ain't shagged Jane yet.''

``Well,'' said Charlotte, ``I wish her luck. I fink she should just go for it. It's better not to know them too well before you shag em otherwise it puts you off. Take my Mum and Dad for instance, she often says that if she'd known how strong his farts were she'd have run a mile and he says if he'd known how slack her fanny was he would never have bovvered. It's all a risk though ain't it. You don't know what you're getting until it's too late, innit.''

``You fucking crack me up, Charlotte.''

Occupied in observing Mr. Bingley's attentions to her sister, Elizabeth was far from suspecting that she was herself becoming an object of some interest in the eyes of his friend. Mr. Darcy had at first scarcely allowed her to be pretty; he had looked at her without admiration at the ball; and when they next met, he looked at her only to criticise. But no sooner had he made it clear to himself and his friends that she had hardly a good feature in her face, than he began to find it was rendered uncommonly intelligent by the beautiful expression of her dark eyes. To this discovery succeeded some others equally mortifying. Though he had detected with a critical eye more than one failure of perfect symmetry in her form, he was forced to acknowledge her figure to be light and pleasing; and in spite of his asserting that her manners were not those of the fashionable world, he was caught by their easy playfulness. Of this she was perfectly unaware; - to her he was only the man who made himself agreeable nowhere, and who had not thought her handsome enough to dance with.

He began to wish to know more of her, and as a step towards conversing with her himself, attended to her conversation with others. His doing so drew her notice. It was at Willie Lucas's, where a large group from the tower block were having a knees up. ``What does arseface mean,'' said she to Charlotte, ``by earwigging while I'm trying to chat up soldier boy Forster?''

``I dunno. Ask the tosser yourself.''

``Yeah, I will. Little fucker is trying to intimidate me and I ain't having none of that. ''

On his approaching them soon afterwards, though without seeming to have any intention of speaking, Miss Lucas defied her friend to mention such a subject to him, which immediately provoking Elizabeth to do it, she turned to him and said,

``Oi, moosh, don't ya fink I asked nicely when I was teasing soldier boy into having a party over at Meryton tower?''

``For real. With great energy, innit. Respect.''

``Fuck you.''

``It will be her turn soon to be teazed,'' said Miss Lucas. ``I am going to get the karaoke machine out, Eliza, and you know what to do.''

``Oh, leave it out! God, you're such a fucking bitch sometimes Charlotte. You know I can't sing for toffee. Arseface snooty pants here is probably used to hearing the best up at the west end. Na, fuck you, I don't wanna do it.'' On Miss Lucas's persevering, however, she added, ``Oh, for fuck's sake!" And gravely glancing at Mr. Darcy, ``There is a fine old saying, which every fucker here is of course familiar with - "Keep your breath to cool your crack after it first comes out the oven," - and I'll keep mine to help me belt out Britney." And so saying, complete with dance moves Lizzy grabbed the mic and burst into song. "Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know...that something wasn't right. Oh, baby, baby I shouldn't have let you gooooooooooooo..."

Her performance was pleasing, though by no means capital. After a song or two, and before she could reply to the entreaties of several that she would sing Halo by Beyonce, she was eagerly succeeded at the karaoke by her sister Mary, who having, in consequence of being the only plain one in the family, worked hard for knowledge and accomplishments, was always impatient for display.

Mary had neither genius nor taste; and though vanity had given her application, it had given her likewise a pedantic air and conceited manner, which would have injured a higher degree of excellence than she had reached. Elizabeth, easy and unaffected, had been listened to with much more pleasure, though not playing half so well; and Mary, at the end of a long rendition of "London's Burning" by The Clash, was glad to purchase praise and gratitude by singing Michael Jackson's Earth Song, at the request of her younger sisters, who, with some of the Lucases and two or three squaddies, joined eagerly in dancing at one end of the kitchen diner with a through lounge.

Mr. Darcy stood near them in silent indignation at such a mode of passing the evening, to the exclusion of all conversation, and was too much engrossed by his own thoughts to perceive that Willie was his neighbour, till Willie thus began.

``So nice to see the young'uns having a dance about. Do you like watching Strictly Come Dancing? It's my favourite program. Aren't the frocks posh? They make dancing look so glamorous and sophisticated don't ya fink?''

``Certainly, it's global ain't it? They even dance in them hot countries in the documentaries. Every savage can dance according to David Attenborough.''

Willie only smiled. ``Lizzy is proper good;'' he continued after a pause, on seeing Bingley join the group; - ``I bet you can shake your toosh with the best of them.''

``You saw me dance at the rave, I fink.''

``Ya, you was well good. Have danced at Buckingham Palace or what? ''

``Never.''

``That's a pisser cos you're well good.''

``I hate fucking dancing, OK. Just drop it.''

``You got yourself a little council flat somewhere?''

Mr. Darcy sucked air through his teeth.

``I was finking about getting a flat in the west end but Lady likes it here. Reckons the air's fresher. Well, it is just so long as I don't fart.''

He paused in hopes of an answer; but his companion was not disposed to make any; and Elizabeth at that instant moving towards them, he was struck with the notion of doing a very gallant thing, and called out to her,

``Oi Lizzy, you dancing? - Mr. Darcy, why don't you dance with this little flesh pot. She's a right goer." And taking her hand, he would have given it to Mr. Darcy, who, though extremely surprised, was not unwilling to receive it, when she instantly drew back, and said with some discomposure to Willie,

``Leave it out, I ain't dancing with no one, 'specially not a toss pot like him. Stuck up arse. Ya, that's right, go fuck yourself.'

Mr. Darcy with grave propriety requested to be allowed the honour of her hand; but in vain. Elizabeth was determined; nor did Willie at all shake her purpose by his attempt at persuasion.

``But you're a great little mover Liz, it's cruel to deny me the happiness of seeing your tits wobble as you bop about. Come on, he wants to dance with you. Come on, make an old man happy. Let's see a bit of tit action.''

``Oh, so now arseface is trying to be polite. Whatever...,'' said Elizabeth, smiling.

``Looks that way don't it. But hardly surprising given how hot you're looking. You wearing that push up bra that Lydia nicked the other day? ''

Elizabeth looked archly, and turned away. Her resistance had not injured her with the gentleman, and he was thinking of her with some complacency, when thus accosted by Miss Bingley.

``I bet I can guess what you wos finking.''

``Not likely.''

``You wos finking, what a bunch of complete tossers and you can't wait to get back down the west end to China Whites!''

``Na, I wasn't so fuck off. I was actually finking that a great pair of tits will only last so long. By the forth kid they've had it but a nice pair of eyes'll last you a life time or at least until they mist over and get cataracts.''

Miss Bingley immediately fixed her eyes on his face, and desired he would tell her what lady had the credit of inspiring such reflections. Mr. Darcy replied with great intrepidity,

``Miss Elizabeth Bennet.''

``Miss Elizabeth Bennet!'' repeated Miss Bingley. ``Fuck me! How long you wanted to shag her then? And do I need to buy a hat?''

``Piss off! I just said she had nice eyes, that's all. I don't want to marry a fucking chav do I.''

``Well, if you do you'll have a fucking fantastic mother-in-law. She can come and stay with you up north in your little house in Pemberley Close. You can cut her toe nails for her while you watch the Jeremy Kyle Show together.''

He listened to her with perfect indifference while she chose to entertain herself in this manner, and as his composure convinced her that all was safe, her wit flowed long.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Mr. Bennet's property consisted almost entirely of a broken Tag Heuer watch which one of Lydia's ex boyfriends had mugged somebody and which she has subsequently given her father as a birthday present. Unfortunately the glass face got smashed during the mugging and it had never worked since but, rather like Eeyore being thrilled with his empty honey pot and burst balloon, Mr. Bennet declared the watch his best present ever and it had never been off his wrist ever since, other than when he had a visit from the Old Bill. He also owned a stained, ill fitting suit from Burton Man and his late mother's set of false teeth. What he did not own, unfortunately for his daughters, were the deeds to his flat. These belonged to a distant cousin of theirs called Colin. This was because Mr. Bennet was a compulsive gambler and one night when drunk and stressed because the debt collectors were on his back he had agreed to sign over the deeds to his property in return for a £1,000 from Colin. Mrs. Bennet had a bit of money of her own from her part time cleaning job but most of that went on fags, booze, scratch cards and bingo.

Longbourn tower was only quarter of a mile from Meryton tower; a most convenient distance for the young ladies, who were usually tempted thither three or four times a week, to pay their duty to their aunt, and to an Anne Summers shop just over the way. The two youngest of the family, Catherine and Lydia, were particularly frequent in these attentions; their minds were more vacant than their sisters', and when nothing better offered, a walk to Meryton tower was necessary to amuse their morning hours and furnish conversation for the evening; and however bare of news the country in general might be, they always contrived to learn some from their aunt. At present, indeed, they were well supplied both with news and happiness by the recent arrival of a militia regiment in the neighbourhood; it was to remain the whole winter, and Meryton tower was the head quarters.

Their visits to Mrs. Philips were now productive of the most interesting intelligence. Every day added something to their knowledge of the squaddies' names and connections. Their lodgings were not long a secret, and at length they began to know the squaddies themselves. Mr. Philips visited them all, and this opened to his nieces a source of felicity unknown before. They could talk of nothing but squaddies; and Mr. Bingley's large lunch pack, the mention of which gave animation to their mother, was worthless in their eyes when opposed to the regimentals of an ensign.

After listening one morning to their effusions on this subject, Mr. Bennet coolly observed,

``You must be two of the silliest cows in England. ''

Catherine was disconcerted, and made no answer; but Lydia, with perfect indifference, continued to express her admiration of Private Carter, and her hope of seeing him in the course of the day, as he was going the next morning to London.

``Fuck's sake,'' said Mrs. Bennet, ``they're your bleedin kids, ya know. Funny that, must take after you, innit. ''

``Call a spade a spade is how I see it.''

``Actually, they're all really clever so fuck off and live somewhere else if you don't like 'em.''

``I ain't having that. The two youngest are fucking fools. I think it's because you was on the gin the whole time you was up the duff with them.''

``Excuse me?" Mrs. Bennet was most indignant, "It weren't gin, it was Bacardi. Get it right, arsewipe. Anyhow, you can't 'spect young girls not to think about shagging squaddies. When they get all old and go through the change and stuff they'll probably lose interest. Look at me, when I was a young girl I was well up for shagging a squaddie and I would be again if I didn't have an arthritic hip, swollen ankles and a minge you could park a car in. I think, when I was younger, I even shagged a few red coats when I was staying at Butlins. And so no, I don't mind if me youngest want to shag some squaddies. At least he's earning so they'll get maintenance and if he's away fighting in Afghanistan or such like then they've got the freedom to shag whoever else they want. I thought Sergeant Forster looked well fit in his uniform the other night. He can ask me to bend down in the parade ground anytime.''

``Mum,'' cried Lydia, ``my aunt says that Sergent Forster and Private Carter do not go so often to Miss Watson's as they did when they first came. They've probably worn her out cos she don't put on her red light so much now days. She sees now they mostly go to Wetherspoons and just stand around and get pissed.''

Mrs. Bennet was prevented replying by Jane's mobile going off. It was a text from Netherfield tower. Mrs. Bennet's eyes sparkled with pleasure, and she was eagerly calling out, while her daughter read,

``Wots it say? Jane? For fuck's sake read it out before I clump you! ''

``It's from Caroline,'' said Jane, and then read it aloud.

``Hiya,

Do U want to come over for take away? I was finking Chinese. Me and Louisa R well bored. I'm gonna drop kick her in a mo LOL. I fucking hate the bitch LOL. My bruv is having Macky D wiv the squaddies innit. Such a fucking gay tosser LOL. C U L8R. Respect."

``With the squaddies!'' cried Lydia. ``Fucking aunt, always gets it wrong.''

``Well, you ain't having my bus pass,'' said Mrs. Bennet, ``so tough shit, you'll have to walk.''

``Can I have you nicked Oyster card, Lydia?'' said Jane.

``No, ya lazy cow. Fucking get off your arse and walk. With any luck it'll piss it down and then you'll have to stay the night. If he tries to use a condom just shove a pin through it when he ain't looking. ''

``Good idea,'' said Elizabeth, ``apart from the fact that he could drive her home.''

``Na, cos they'll have the car at Mac Donalds, innit.''

``Just give me your fucking bus pass.''

Jane was unsuccessful in gaining her mother's bus pass and was therefore obliged to walk, and her mother attended her to the door with many cheerful prognostics of a bad day. Her hopes were answered; Jane had not been gone long before it rained hard. Her sisters were uneasy for her, but her mother was delighted. The rain continued the whole evening without intermission; Jane certainly could not come back.

``Fucking brilliant!'' said Mrs. Bennet. Breakfast was scarcely over the next morning when a text came from Jane to Elizabeth:

``Sis,

OMFG - Gone and fucking caught a cold innit. Well fucked off! They're got some dodgy Indian doctor coming to see me. So pissed off, yeah. Laters."

``Well, if she fucking dies,'' said Mr. Bennet to his wife, ``I'm fucking blaming you.''

``It's just a fucking cold you wanker! Fuck's sake. ''

Elizabeth, feeling really anxious, was determined to go to her, though the carriage was not to be had; and as she was no horse-woman, walking was her only alternative. She declared her resolution.

``Don't be a silly cow,'' cried her mother, ``But if you do go wear a skimpy T-shirt and no bra cos it's still raining.''

``Fuck off mum.''

``Just for that, you ain't having my bus pass.''

``I don't give a shit. I'm gonna walk anyway.''

``But is the result,'' observed Mary, ``worth the effort?''

``We will go as far as Meryton tower with you,'' said Catherine and Lydia. - Elizabeth accepted their company, and the three young ladies set off together.

``Fucking hurry up,'' said Lydia, as they walked along, ``I wanna try and see Private Carter before he finishes his fillet o'fish.''

In Meryton they parted; the two youngest repaired to the lodgings of one of the squaddies' wives, and Elizabeth continued her walk alone, crossing muddy waste land at a quick pace, jumping over abandoned shopping trollies and springing over puddles of urine with impatient activity, and finding herself at last within view of the tower, with weary ankles, dirty fishnet stockings, and a face glowing with the warmth of exercise.

She was shown into the kitchen diner, where all but Jane were assembled, and where her appearance created a great deal of surprise. - That she should have walked three miles so early in the day, in such dirty weather, and by herself, was almost incredible to Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley; and Elizabeth was convinced that they held her in contempt for it. She was received, however, very politely by them; and in their brother's manners there was something better than politeness; there was good humour and kindness. - Mr. Darcy said very little, and Mr. Hurst nothing at all. The former was divided between admiration of the brilliancy which exercise had given to her complexion, and doubt as to the occasion's justifying her coming so far alone. The latter was thinking only of his breakfast.

Her enquiries after her sister were not very favourably answered. Miss Bennet had slept ill, and though up, was very feverish and not well enough to leave her room. Elizabeth was glad to be taken to her immediately; and Jane, who had only been withheld by the fear of giving alarm or inconvenience, from expressing in her note how much she longed for such a visit, was delighted at her entrance. She was not equal, however, to much conversation, and when Miss Bingley left them together, could attempt little beside expressions of gratitude for the extraordinary kindness she was treated with. Elizabeth silently attended her.

When breakfast was over, they were joined by the sisters, and Elizabeth began to like them herself, when she saw how much affection and solicitude they showed for Jane. Dr. Patel came, and having examined his patient, said, as might be supposed, that she had caught a violent cold, and that they must endeavour to get the better of it; advised her to return to bed, and promised her some draughts. The advice was followed readily, for the feverish symptoms increased, and her head ached acutely. Elizabeth did not quit her room for a moment, nor were the other ladies often absent; the gentlemen being out, they had in fact nothing to do elsewhere.

When the clock struck three, Elizabeth felt that she must go; and very unwillingly said so. Miss Bingley offered her a cab, and she only wanted a little pressing to accept it, when Jane testified such concern in parting with her that Miss Bingley was obliged to convert the offer of a cab into an invitation to remain at Netherfield tower for the present. Elizabeth most thankfully consented, and an illegal was dispatched to Longbourn tower to acquaint the family with her stay, and bring back a supply of Britney Spears CDs.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

At five o'clock the two ladies retired to dress, Elizabeth proceeded to entertain Jane by cranking up the volume on the CD player in the bedroom and bopping around whilst accompanying Britney to "Toxic".

All of which was fully audible in the lounge/diner where Bingley and Darcy were presently sitting, watching Sky Sport and nursing a beer. Darcy rubbed his hand over his face in an anxious manner.

"I can't take much more of this," he growled.

"Chillax bruv," slurred Bingley by way of a reply.

"No, I mean it. I'm not cut out for this undercover work."

"What ya sayin' bruv? Ya talking crazy talk, innit."

"Bingley, if you don't stop talking in that incredibly annoying fake patois I'm going to punch you," Darcy glowered at his dearest friend and work colleague.

"Shush, bruv...er, I mean Detective Inspector Darcy," whispered Detective Constable Bingley. "It's taken us ages to get this close to the target. We can't afford to blow our cover now. Walls have ears you know," Bingley nodded towards the direction of Britney singing."

"I know, I know, I know, it's just the whole thing is really getting me down."

"In what way? I'm finding it all quite a hoot," said Bingley. "That rave the other night was actually rather good fun, as you would have found out if you'd only let your hair down. Granted the flat's a bit of a pit but WPC Caroline and WPC Hurst are good company."

"I just feel like a complete fish out of water. I can't stand wearing all this for a start," Darcy plucked irritably at his oversized polyester Chelsea football shirt. "If I walk too fast sparks start to appear under the armpits."

"So walk slower, or better still, take your shirt off and show off the tattoos you had to have done for this job."

"And the inhabitants of this God forsaken place are just all so hideous. The lack of education, morals, the constant swearing. It's all so vile. I never knew people like this really existed. Really led their meaningless lives in such a vacuum of filth."

"For real, innit...er, I mean, I empathise entirely."

"And they," Darcy jabbed an angry thumb in the direction of the bedroom that Jane was staying in, " Shouldn't be here. We're meant to be observing them, not inviting them to stay at our HQ so that they can observe us and blow our cover."

"Oh, leave them alone. They're innocent and both rather cute, I must say."

"And that's another thing, you are starting to get emotionally involved with Jane. Don't try and deny it. That's dangerous Bingley. You risk screwing up the whole operation."

"I'm sorry," said Bingley, "I just can't take my eyes off her tits. They've got magical powers. They draw me in. I do try not to be drawn in."

"Yeah, well fucking try harder," hissed Darcy out of the side of his mouth, "we're trying to find a very dangerous terrorist, not potential competitors for a wet T-shirt completion."

At half past six Elizabeth was summoned to dinner. To the civil enquiries which then poured in, and amongst which she had the pleasure of distinguishing the much superior solicitude of Mr. Bingley's, she could not make a very favourable answer. Jane was by no means better and as well as a cold now had a banging headache as a direct result of the Britney fest she'd recently been submitted to. The sisters, on hearing this, repeated three or four times how much they were grieved, how shocking it was to have a bad cold, and how excessively they disliked being ill themselves, and then thought no more of the matter; and their indifference towards Jane, when not immediately before them, restored Elizabeth to the enjoyment of all her original dislike.

Their brother, indeed, was the only one of the party whom she could regard with any complacency. His anxiety for Jane was evident, and his attentions to herself most pleasing, and they prevented her feeling herself so much an intruder as she believed she was considered by the others. She had very little notice from any but him. Miss Bingley was engrossed by Mr. Darcy, her sister scarcely less so; and as for Mr. Hurst, by whom Elizabeth sat, he was an indolent man, who lived only to eat, drink, and play at cards, who, when he found her prefer a plain dish of fish fingers and oven chips, had nothing to say to her.

When dinner was over, she returned directly to Jane, and Miss Bingley began abusing her as soon as she was out of the room. Her manners were pronounced to be very bad indeed, a mixture of pride and impertinence; she had no conversation, no style, no taste, no beauty. Mrs. Hurst thought the same, and added,

``I can't believe that she managed to walk all the way here in those heels. Did you clock them? Well cheap and nasty they was. And when she saw that she'd got a hole in her fishnets she really looked almost wild.''

``Yeah, I seriously wanted to piss myself. What the fuck's she doin' here anyway? Stupid cow. Her hair looked a right state. ''

``Yes, and her petticoat was dripping with mud...at least I hope it was mud...''

``I didn't notice none of that,'' said Bingley; ``I just thought her tits looked remarkably perky considering she weren't wearing no bra.''

``You saw her, Darcy, didn't you?'' said Miss Bingley, ``I reckon you'd be well pissed off if you sister acted like such a slag.''

``For real.''

``To walk three miles, or four miles, or five miles, or whatever it is, above her ankles in dirt, dog shit and illegal immigrants and alone, totally alone! what the fuck is she on? I just fink she's a total fucking slag. I'm sorry but I do.''

``It shows that she's not afraid to get down and dirty, which is very pleasing, ja feel me!'' Bingley winked.

``What d'you mean, anal?'' Miss Bingley shuddered.``that is fucking repulsive you dirty bastard. Still think the dirty slapper's got 'fine eyes' now, Darcy?"

``Yeah, I do, as it goes,'' he replied; ``they were brightened by the exercise.'' - A short pause followed this speech, and Mrs. Hurst began again.

``Jane's alright, yeah. But her fucking family are a disgrace, ja feel me? ''

``I think she's got an uncle who does Wills on the quiet over at Meryton tower.''

``Yes; and they have another, who lives somewhere near Westfield shopping centre, somewhere like Shepherd's Bush.''

``Shepherd's Bush? Louisa, are you thinking what I'm thinking?'' added her sister, and they both laughed heartily.

``Well I don't give a shit!'' cried Bingley, ``I fink she's fucking tasty.''

``Yeah, but her family are a fucking nightmare, for real,'' replied Darcy.

To this speech Bingley made no answer; but his sisters gave it their hearty assent, and indulged their mirth for some time at the expense of their dear friend's vulgar relations.

With a renewal of tenderness, however, they repaired to her room on leaving the dining-parlour, and sat with her till summoned to coffee. She was still very poorly, and Elizabeth would not quit her at all till late in the evening, when she had the comfort of seeing her asleep, and when it appeared to her rather right than pleasant that she should go into the lounge/diner herself. On entering the lounge/diner she found the whole party making bets on a pitball fight that was going down in Netherfield carpark later that evening, and was immediately invited to join them; but suspecting them to be making high bets she declined it, and making her sister the excuse, said she would amuse herself for the short time she could stay with a book. Mr. Hurst looked at her with astonishment.

``Do you prefer reading to pitball fights?'' said he; ``What a fucking fruit loop.''

``She fucking hates pitball fights,'' said Miss Bingley, ``and loves reading, just so long as it's HELLO magazine.''

"Are you disrespecting me?" Elizabeth's head bobbed angry from side to side.

"No, I just said.."

No, are you disrespecting me though?"

"No, I just said that you only..."

``Yeah, but you're disrespecting me though, innit,'' cried Elizabeth; ``I do just read. FOOL! I take pleasure in other things, innit. For instance, I love playing with my rabbit, for real.''

``I just hope your sister fucking gets well,'' said Bingley; ``

Elizabeth thanked him from her heart, and then walked towards a table where a few books were lying. He immediately offered to fetch her others; all that his library afforded.

``Can I get you some more books? I've got The Twilight Trilogy in my bedroom.''

Elizabeth assured him that she could suit herself perfectly with those in the room.

``I'm well pissed off that my Dad didn't have more books though, innit,'' said Miss Bingley.

"That's because he was a fish and chip man. The grease from the fried batter would have ruined the pages, innit though," said Bingley.

`` I fucking love all your books at your house in Pemberley Close, Darcy!''

``It ought to be good,'' he replied, ``me dad worked in the local library and nicked most of them.''

``And then you have added so much to it yourself, you are always buying books.''

``I can't comprehend not buying them when you can get so many free on Kindle.''

``Ah, but Pemberley Close is lush innit. Charlie, when you move out of this fucking shithole try and find somewhere as nice as Pemberley Close.

``For real.''

``Buy something nearby. I fucking love Derbyshire, it's well nice.''

``Yes, alright. Now, fucking put a sock in it!''

Elizabeth was so much caught by what passed, as to leave her very little attention for her book; and soon laying it wholly aside, she drew near the betting table, and stationed herself between Mr. Bingley and his eldest sister to observe the betting.

``Your sister grown much since Spring, Darcy?'' said Miss Bingley; ``She as tall as me?''

``She's now Elizabeth's height, no taller actually because Elizabeth's a bit stunted ain't she.''

``I can't wait to see her again. I fucking love that girl. She's fucking brilliant on Sing Star.''

``I can't believe how good all women are at kareoke,'' said Bingley.

``All? What the fuck you on about?''

``Yes all of them, I think. They all paint the town red, cover their skins in fake orange tan, and then shake their money bags and sing the night away. They all do it, every Saturday night, it's fucking amazing."

``I feel ja blood,'' said Darcy, ``they all do that shit but I don't know of more than half a dozen what can really sing, ja feel me?''

``Too fucking right,'' said Miss Bingley.

``You want a lot for ya money, dunt ya?'' observed Elizabeth.

``Yes, I do as it goes.''

``For real!'' cried his faithful assistant, ``you ain't no woman if you can't do a duet on Sing Star, know her beats, do drawing, colouring in and dot the dot, innit. And also she needs to be able to strut her stuff, innit. Show everybody you got a booty and you're not scared to use it."

``For real,'' added Darcy, ``and she's gotta be good at reading, innit. Otherwise she ain't gonna be able to read HELLO magazine and then she won't having a fucking clue about what's going on in the world.''

``You an arf talk a load of shit.''

``You disrespecting me?''

``I'm just sayin' I ain't never heard of anybody else who can read in Tower Hamlets, apart from me."

Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley both cried out against the injustice of her implied doubt, and were both protesting that they knew many women who answered this description, when Mr. Hurst called them to order, with bitter complaints of their inattention to what was going forward. As all conversation was thereby at an end, Elizabeth soon afterwards left the room.

``Eliza Bennet,'' said Miss Bingley, when the door was closed on her, ``is a fucking bitch. ''

``Just shut the fuck up yeah,'' replied Darcy, to whom this remark was chiefly addressed, "When you point a finger then three more point back at you, four if you include the thumb." Miss Bingley was not so entirely satisfied with this reply as to continue the subject.

Elizabeth joined them again only to say that her sister was worse, and that she could not leave her. Bingley urged for Mr. Patel to be sent for immediately; while his sisters, convinced that no country advice could be of any service, recommended an express to town for one of the most eminent physicians. This she would not hear of, but she was not so unwilling to comply with their brother's proposal; and it was settled that Mr. Patel should be sent for early in the morning if Miss Bennet were not decidedly better. Bingley was quite uncomfortable; his sisters declared that they were miserable. They solaced their wretchedness, however, by duets after supper, while he could find no better relief to his feelings than by giving an illegal directions that every possible attention might be paid to the sick lady and her sister.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9  
Elizabeth passed the chief of the night in her sister's room. She did pop out briefly in the middle of the night to go to the loo. On the way back to her sister's room she spied Darcy dosing on the sofa. His shirt had ridden up leaving his six pack partially exposed. Acting on impulse Elizabeth crept over to him and shook him awake by the shoulder. Darcy jumped and cried out, "I don't really support Chelsea your honour!"

Elizabeth shook him again and he opened a bleary eye.

"Yes?" he said wearily.

"What ya doing on the settee? Ain't you got a bed to go to?"

"No, somebody is sleeping in it."

"Who?"

"Take a wild guess."

"Oh..." said Elizabeth as the penny dropped. She again eyed his six pack hungrily. Darcy noticed and adjusted his T-shirt so as not to expose his stomach.

"Spoil sport. Anyway, no sense in trying to sleep here, must be well uncomfortable. Come and snuggle up with me. Jane's been asleep most of the day, lazy bitch, she can kip on the settee tonight, innit."

"What?" said a stunned Darcy.

"Yes or no. I don't play games. D'you wanna shag or what?"

Darcy frowned and narrowed his sleepy eyes as his brain wrestled to catch up with the conversation, "Er...no..."

Elizabeth gulped down her hurt and effected to shrug off his rejection, "Suit yourself!" with a flick of her hair she turned to leave whilst muttering under her breath, "Fucking gay tosser."

In the morning she shook Jane roughly awake.

"Oi, sis, we can't stay here no more. That Darcy is well gay. Fucking gives me the creeps he does. I'm telling everybody that you're well OK so stop coughing and sneezing, it's fucking disgusting. And put your hand over your marf for fuck's sake."

Elizabeth therefore had the pleasure of being able to send a tolerable answer to the enquiries which she very early received from Mr. Bingley by an illegal, and some time afterwards from the two elegant female illegals who waited on his sisters. In spite of this amendment, however, she reluctantly sent a text to requesting her mother to visit Jane, and form her own judgment of her situation. The text was immediately dispatched, and its contents as quickly complied with. Mrs. Bennet, accompanied by her two youngest girls, reached Netherfield tower soon after the family breakfast.

Had she found Jane in any apparent danger, Mrs. Bennet would have been very miserable; but being satisfied on seeing her, that her illness was not alarming, she had no wish of her recovering immediately, as her restoration to health would probably remove her from Netherfield tower. She would not listen therefore to her daughter's proposal of being carried home; neither did Dr. Patel, who arrived about the same time, think it at all advisable. After sitting a little while with Jane, on Miss Bingley's appearance and invitation the mother and three daughters all attended her into the breakfast parlour. Bingley met them with hopes that Mrs. Bennet had not found Miss Bennet worse than she expected.

``Yes, I fucking have,'' was her answer. ``She's proper ill. What you lot been doing to her?" Mrs. Bennet prodded Bingley with a finger, "You sure you been keeping her warm enough at night? The only way to be sure is to get in there yourself and fucking give her a cuddle, innit. She is coughing too much to have her temperature taken just at the minute but I would have no objection to you checking her temperature by sticking it up her jaxy. The thermometer that is," Mrs. Bennet giggled coyly before continuing. "At any rate she's too ill to be moved. Mr. Patel says we must not think of moving her. But he's foreign so what does he know? But anyway, I agree with him so you're stuck with her for the mo innit.''

``Removed!'' cried Bingley. ``Are you fucking mental? Don't even go there. Caroline ain't having none of it. Are ya sis?''

``Derrrrr! Obviously,'' said Miss Bingley, with cold civility.

Mrs. Bennet was profuse in her acknowledgments.

``I'm sure if you start cuddling her at night, without clothes on, then she'll get better,'' she added, ``she's a lovely girl, Jane, good wife and mother material, ja feel me? It's nice here, innit. Nice view over the gravel car park. I do not know a place in Tower Hamlets that is equal to Netherfield tower. You ain't gonna leave or nuffing are ya? You've got a short lease, ain't ya. Don't worry, when it comes to an end just start squatting. We've got loads of squatters in our block.''

``Whatever I do is done in a hurry,'' replied he.

``That is exactly what I thought,'' said Elizabeth.

"Fuck me, if that's true, he sounds like a crap shag," observed Lydia.

``You begin to comprehend me, do you?'' cried he, turning towards her.

``Oh! Yes - I understand you perfectly – in, out, repeat if necessary.''

``I wish I could take this for a compliment; but to come so easily I am afraid is pitiful.''

``Feel the shame.''

``Lizzy,'' cried her mother, ``remember where you are, and do not run on in the wild manner that you do at home.''

``I did not know before,'' continued Bingley immediately, ``that you were a studier of character. It must be an amusing study, for real.''

``What can I say, I've slept with loads of blokes so now I just tend to know just by looking.''

``Tower Hamlets,'' said Darcy, ``can in general supply but few guys who you want to sleep with. In an inner city tower block you move in a very confined and unvarying society, innit.''

"Shut the fuck up! I ain't talking to you. Gay wad!"

Mrs. Bennet was offended by his manner of mentioning Tower Hamlets. ``I assure you there is quite as much of _that_ going on in the east end as the west end. Loser.''

Every body was surprised; and Darcy, after looking at her for a moment, turned silently away. Mrs. Bennet, who fancied she had gained a complete victory over him, continued her triumph.

``I cannot see that the west end has any great advantage over Tower Hamlets, except the shops and public places and the theatres. Have you seen "Mama Mia" yet, Mr. Bingley? It's fucking brilliant!''

``When I am Tower Hamlets,'' he replied, ``I never want to leave it; and when I am in west end it is pretty much the same. They have each their advantages, and I can be equally happy in either.''

``That's 'cos you're a proper gent, innit. But that arsehole,'' looking at Darcy, ``seemed to think that Tower Hamlets was a heap of shit.''

``For fuck's sake mum! Shut the fuck up,'' said Elizabeth, blushing for her mother. ``He didn't say that. He only meant that there were not such a variety of people to shag with in Tower Hamlets as in the west end, which is true 'cos most of 'em are Bangladeshi, innit.''

``Whatever. All I'm saying is that we've got a well good choice of restaurants on our doorstep. There's Kentucky Fried and Whimpy just by the tube and as many curry houses as you can shake a stick at. The only fing we ain't got is a McDonalds, you have to go up to Liverpool Street for that."

Nothing but concern for Elizabeth could enable Bingley to keep his countenance. His sister was less delicate, and directed her eye towards Mr. Darcy with a very expressive smile. Elizabeth, for the sake of saying something that might turn her mother's thoughts, now asked her if Charlotte Lucas had been down to their flat since her coming away.

``Yes, she came over yesterday with her dad. Willie is such a sweetie, innit. Bloody top geezer. Talk to anybody he will. That's 'cos he was brought up proper,see. And them what act all snooty and la dee daa are just fucking arrogant ponses. At least that's the way I see it.''

``Did you all have a take away?''

``No, she pissed off home. She wanted to do some cooking or something. Mr. Bingley, I always buy ready meals; my daughters are brought up differently. I ain't having my girls do cooking or shite like that. What's the point? It's cheaper to eat at Maccy D's. Cooking eats up your lecky, innit. Don't get me wrong, the Lucas girls are fine, just a shame they all look like the back end of a bus. Charlotte would be OK with a bag over her head. ''

``She seems like a very pleasant young woman, for real'' said Bingley.

``Oh! Yeah, she's lovely, old Charlotte but you must admit that she dresses like a fucking tramp. And smells like one an' orl. "Lady" Lucas herself even said so, and envied me Jane's beauty. I do not like to boast of my own child, but for fuck's sake, Jane – now she's fucking gorgeous, innit. When she was only fifteen, there was this bloke at my brother Gardiner's flat, reckoned he was well in love with her, that my sister-in-law was sure he would try and shag her before we came away. But he didn't. Perhaps he was gay. But he did send her some impressive photos of himself from his phone, if you know what I'm saying. Cor blimey! I mean, I've had five kids and I'd still need to be buttered up before attempting anyfink that size. Bring tears to your eyes that would, definitely.''

``And so ended his crush,'' said Elizabeth impatiently. " I wonder who first discovered that texting pictures of your dick to girls you want to date don't always have the desired effect.''

``But ain't it only fair to let a girl know what she's in for up front?'' said Darcy.

``If it's a fine, stout, healthy dick then maybe. Then you're gonna look at the pic and go 'fuck me! Tasty!' But if it's only a slight, thin sort of a dick then you're like 'na, fuck off, I ain't even gonna be able to fake feeling that inside me.''

Darcy only smiled, and the general pause which ensued made Elizabeth tremble lest her mother should be exposing herself again. She longed to speak, but could think of nothing to say; and after a short silence Mrs. Bennet began repeating her thanks to Mr. Bingley for his kindness to Jane with an apology for troubling him also with Lizzy. Mr. Bingley was unaffectedly civil in his answer, and forced his younger sister to be civil also, and say what the occasion required. She performed her part, indeed, without much graciousness, but Mrs. Bennet was satisfied, and soon afterwards rose to catch her bus. Upon this signal, the youngest of her daughters put herself forward. The two girls had been whispering to each other during the whole visit, and the result of it was, that the youngest should tax Mr. Bingley with having promised on his first coming to Tower Hamlets to give a cheese and wine and karaoke party.

Lydia was a stout, well-grown girl of fifteen, with a fine complexion and good-humoured countenance; a favourite with her mother, whose affection had brought her into public at an early age. She had high animal spirits, and a sort of natural self-consequence, which the attentions of the squaddies, to whom her uncle's good dinners and her own easy manners recommended her, had increased into assurance. She was very equal, therefore, to address Mr. Bingley on the subject of the cheese and wine and karaoke party, and abruptly reminded him of his promise; adding, that it would be the most shameful thing in the world if he did not keep it. His answer to this sudden attack was delightful to their mother's ear.

``'Corse man, when your sister is recovered, you tell me the day, yeah. But let her recover first, innit.''

Lydia declared herself satisfied. ``Oh! Respect!" She gave Bingley a high five before continuing. "ya, let the sick bitch get better, innit. And then, most likely, Sergeant Carter will be at Meryton tower again. And after your party,'' she added, ``I'll make them have one, an' orl. Fucking shame on them if they don't. Wankers.''

Mrs. Bennet and her daughters then departed, and Elizabeth returned instantly to Jane, leaving her own and her relations' behaviour to the remarks of the two ladies and Mr. Darcy; the latter of whom, however, could not be prevailed on to join in their censure of her, in spite of all Miss Bingley's witticisms on fine eyes. Darcy felt puzzled and dazed. Why was he finding himself increasingly attracted to Elizabeth Bennet? Was it the fake orange tan? The Croydon face lift? The shiny shell suit? The constant chewing of gum? The bitten fingernails with flaky polish on? The sullen face constantly displaying an ill-humoured frown? Or was it the outsized gold plated gypsy hooped earrings?


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The day passed much as the day before had done. Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley had spent some hours of the morning with the invalid, who continued, though slowly, to mend; and in the evening Elizabeth joined their party in the lounge/diner. The queening table, however, did not appear. Mr. Darcy was texting, and Miss Bingley, seated near him, was watching the progress of his text, and repeatedly calling off his attention by messages to his sister. Mr. Hurst and Mr. Bingley were watching Sky sport, and Mrs. Hurst was staring into space after mistaking the stash of coke for icing sugar.

Elizabeth playing solitaire on her phone, and was sufficiently amused in attending to what passed between Darcy and his companion. The perpetual commendations of the lady either on his texting, or on the evenness of his lines of coke, or on the length of his dick, with the perfect unconcern with which her praises were received, formed a curious dialogue, and was exactly in unison with her opinion of each.

``Your sis is gonna be well happy when she gets that text!''

He made no answer.

``You text really fast, innit.''

``You are mistaken. I text rather slowly.''

``You have to write a lot of texts, innit. For ya crew and for business. Doin' so many texts would leave me vexed man!''

``Yeah, you might break a nail, innit.''

``Tell your sis I wanna see her, yeah. She's still got my hair straighteners, innit.''

``I've told her once already."

``Your phone ain't working. Here, have mine, it's well good, it's an iphone. I can just go an nick another one.''

``Thank you - but I always steal my own.''

``How can you text all them long word, man?''

He was silent.

``Tell your sister I am well happy to hear of her improvement on the game, and let her know, yeah that I fucking love her design for a queening table, and I think it pisses all over Miss Grantley's.''

``Yeah, I'm coming up to my word allowance, innit. ''

``Oh! Fucking be like that then. I'm seeing her in January anyhow. But do you always write such long texts to her?''

``Yeah, get your moneys worth, innit.''

``It is a rule with me, yeah, that a geezer what can write a long text must be writing something nice, innit.''

``Fucking pack it in you lot'' cried her brother - ``I'm trying to watch the footy. ''

``Oh!'' cried Miss Bingley, ``Na, you shut the fuck up! You're just jealous 'cos you don't know how to fucking spell and you can't think your way out of a paper bag.''

``I fink fast, yeah and me fingers can't keep up, innit. ''

``Bless,'' said Elizabeth.

``Stop asking for sympathy,'' said Darcy, ``Wanker.''

"Fuck you bruv, it's true.''

``You're fucking boasting. You wanna be thought of as a quick thinker. It's the same with your police reports. You leave them half cocked and I have to go in and finish them off and tidy them all up."

"Police reports?" cried Elizabeth.

``Na,'' cried Bingley, ``He's talking shit as per usual. What he meant to say was 'statement'. He has to tidy up my statements each time I go to court for dealing of whatever. ''

``Yeah, I meant 'statement'. Not 'report'. It's this fucking celery I'm eatin' it's fucking with my brain. ''

``Well, Bingley sounds much more on the ball than you,'' cried Elizabeth, ``numbnuts.''

``All I'm sayin' is, that if I suddenly decided to vamoose Netherfield tower then I would. Whereas Darcy would have to write loads of texts and that and fink about it proper, like,'' said Bingley. "If a friend told me to leave this flat then I would 'cos you gotta put ya bruv first innit."

"Oh, and that's bad is it?''

``Yeah, 'cos the friend might be well dodgy innit. Be might want you to leave so he can burglarize you, innit. He might want to mush your gaff up proper and steal your stash or your woo-man and that," said Darcy.

``You shouldn't fink so bad of your bruv, innit.''

``Most times I just do what he says, innit,'' cried Bingley; ``He's taller than me and he get proper leery if ya disobey him, man. At the moment he gets well arsy on a Sunday evening 'cos he gets fed up with all the calls to pray but that's what you get for living next to a mosque, innit. He finks he's all that but he ain't culturally aware. End of."

Mr. Darcy smiled; but Elizabeth thought she could perceive that he was rather offended; and therefore checked her laugh. Miss Bingley warmly resented the indignity he had received, in an expostulation with her brother for talking such nonsense.

``Fucking pack it in, the lot of yer,'' said Elizabeth, ``I'm trying to play a game here."

Mr. Darcy took her advice, and did finish his text.

When that business was over, he applied to Miss Bingley and Elizabeth for the indulgence of some music. Miss Bingley moved with alacrity to the karaoke machine, and after a polite request that Elizabeth would lead the way, which the other as politely and more earnestly negated, she seated herself.

Mrs. Hurst sang with her sister, and while they were thus employed, Elizabeth could not help observing, as she turned over some music CDs that lay on the instrument, how frequently Mr. Darcy's eyes were fixed on her. She hardly knew how to suppose that she could be an object of admiration to so great man; and yet that he should look at her because he disliked her was still more strange. She could only imagine however, at last, that she drew his notice because there was a something about her more wrong and reprehensible, according to his ideas of right, than in any other person present. The supposition did not pain her. She liked him too little to care for his approbation.

After playing some Madonna songs, Miss Bingley varied the charm by a lively Beyoncé number; and soon afterwards Mr. Darcy, drawing near Elizabeth, said to her -

"D'you wanna dance or what?''

She smiled, but made no answer. He repeated the question, with some surprise at her silence.

``No, I fuckin' don't'' said she, ``So piss off! I know it's a fucking trick and you hate me. I don't give a shit. Just keep on hating me. Fine by me. ''

``I don't hate you. I fink you're a bit of alright, innit.''

Elizabeth, having rather expected to affront him, was amazed at his gallantry; but there was a mixture of sweetness and archness in her manner which made it difficult for her to affront anybody; and Darcy had never been so bewitched by any woman as he was by her. He really believed, that were it not for the inferiority of her connections, he should be in some danger.

Miss Bingley saw, or suspected, enough to be jealous; and her great anxiety for the recovery of her dear friend Jane received some assistance from her desire of getting rid of Elizabeth.

She often tried to provoke Darcy into disliking her guest, by talking of their supposed marriage, and planning his happiness in such an alliance.

``I hope,'' said she, as they were walking together in Asda the next day, ``that Elizabeth Bennet is still as appealing to you after this undercover job is done. It would be a great shame to saddle yourself with her and her family and thus end any further thoughts of promotion within the police force. With a sister-in-law who's a infamous shoplifter things could get sticky. Still, you'll have the comfort of accompanying your mother-in-law to the Bingo to take your mind off things.''

``Have you anything else to propose for my domestic felicity?''

``Oh! yes. Best the wedding photographer just photographs Elizabeth's arse because I doubt he'll be able to capture her 'fine eyes' adequately enough for your liking.''

``I'll take that chance.''

At that moment they were met from another walk, by Mrs. Hurst and Elizabeth herself.

``Stop fucking creepin' up on us!'' said Miss Bingley, in some confusion, lest they had been overheard.

``Well, don't fuckin' run away then, innit,'' answered Mrs. Hurst. Then taking the disengaged arm of Mr. Darcy, she left Elizabeth to walk by herself. The shopping aisle just admitted three.

Mr. Darcy felt their rudeness and immediately said, -

``This shopping aisle is not wide enough for all of us. We had better go over to the fruit and veg section.''

But Elizabeth, who had not the least inclination to remain with them, laughingly answered,

``No, you're alright as it goes. Go on and have your fuckin' threesome. I can see you're all gagging for it. I've got a buy a family pack of condoms over on aisle 6. Good bye and good fucking riddance.''

She then ran gaily off, rejoicing, as she rambled about, in the hope of being at home again in a day or two. Jane was already so much recovered as to intend leaving her room for a couple of hours that evening.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

When the ladies removed to the kitchen to wash up after dinner, Elizabeth ran to her sister, and, seeing her well guarded from cold, attended her into the lounge/diner; where she was welcomed by her two friends with many professions of pleasure; and Elizabeth had never seen them so agreeable as they were during the hour which passed before the gentlemen appeared. Their powers of conversation were considerable. They could describe an entertainment with accuracy, relate an anecdote with humour, and laugh at their acquaintance with spirit.

But when the gentlemen entered, Jane was no longer the first object. Miss Bingley's eyes were instantly turned towards Darcy, and she had something to say to him before he had advanced many steps. He addressed himself directly to Miss Bennet, with a polite congratulation; Mr. Hurst also made her a slight bow, and said he was ``very glad;'' but diffuseness and warmth remained for Bingley's salutation. He was full of joy and attention. The first half hour was spent in piling up the fire, lest she should suffer from the change of room; and she removed at his desire to the other side of the fireplace, that she might be farther from the door. He then sat down by her, and talked scarcely to any one else. Elizabeth, playing a game on her phone in the opposite corner, saw it all with great delight.

When tea was over, Mr. Hurst reminded his sister-in-law of the queening table - but in vain. She had obtained private intelligence that Mr. Darcy did not wish to see her thus displayed; and Mr. Hurst soon found even his open petition rejected. She assured him that no one intended to lie upon it, and the silence of the whole party on the subject seemed to justify her. Mr. Hurst had therefore nothing to do but to stretch himself on one of the beanbags and go to sleep. Darcy took up a book; Miss Bingley did the same; and Mrs. Hurst, principally occupied in playing with her bracelets and rings, joined now and then in her brother's conversation with Miss Bennet.

Miss Bingley's attention was quite as much engaged in watching Mr. Darcy's progress through his book, as in reading her own; and she was perpetually either making some inquiry, or looking at his page. She could not win him, however, to any conversation; he merely answered her question, and read on. At length, quite exhausted by the attempt to be amused with her own book, which she had only chosen because it was the second volume of his, she gave a great yawn and said, ``Fuck me, I'm bored!''

No one made any reply. She then yawned again, threw aside her book, and cast her eyes round the room in quest of some amusement; when, hearing her brother mentioning the cheese and wine party to Miss Bennet, she turned suddenly towards him and said,

``You serious? Don't you think you should ask us first? Not everybody likes parties. Wanker!"

``If you mean Darcy,'' cried her brother, ``he can fuck off if he don't want to come. As soon as one of the illegals have made a cheese and pineapple hedgehog then I'll text everyone to come on over, for real. ''

``I like salty cheese balls infinitely better,'' she replied.

"Dirty bitch!" muttered Elizabeth.

``I prefer to just sit around and have a chat rather than all that fucking dancing and shit. Specially if you've been eating cheese and wine. Make sure all the windows are open for fuck's sake 'cos the fart are gonna be fucking vile."

``Shut the fuck up! I'm having a cheese and wine party. End of.''

Miss Bingley made no answer; and soon afterwards got up and walked about the room. Her figure was elegant, and she walked well; - but Darcy, at whom it was all aimed, was still inflexibly studious. In the desperation of her feelings she resolved on one effort more; and turning to Elizabeth, said,

``Get up you lazy bitch. You want DVT or what?"

Elizabeth was surprised, but agreed to it immediately. Miss Bingley succeeded no less in the real object of her civility; Mr. Darcy looked up. He was as much awake to the novelty of attention in that quarter as Elizabeth herself could be, and unconsciously closed his book. He was directly invited to join their party, but he declined it, observing that he could imagine but two motives for their choosing to walk up and down the room together, with either of which motives his joining them would interfere.

``D'you understand what the fuck could he's going on abart?"

``Ain't got the foggiest,'' was Elizabeth's answer; ``but he's obviously gonna say something snide about it. 'Cos he's a fucking gay tosser."

Miss Bingley, however, was incapable of disappointing Mr. Darcy in anything, and persevered therefore in requiring an explanation of his two motives.

``Well, you're either whispering skanky shit about somebody,'' said he, as soon as she allowed him to speak. ``Or you want me to check out your punani which I can do better from here, innit.''

``Fuck off twat!'' cried Miss Bingley. ``Cheeky bastard! Let's give him a Chinese burn.''

``Nothing so easy, a wedgy would be more painful,'' said Elizabeth.

``Sounds good – I'll take the front!"

``Yeah, let's have a laugh!'' cried Elizabeth. ``He fucking hates that. Stuck up snooty wanker that he is. I laugh at everything me, especially if I've just been snorting crack.''

``Anything's funny if you're on crack,'' said he, ``apart from your dealer's bill. ''

``Fuck off,'' replied Elizabeth - ``I ain't got a dealer. Lydia makes all my crack.''

``Well, anyway, I try to avoid acting like a stupid arse 'cos I don't like my crew to laugh at me, yeah.''

``What about vanity and pride? You fucking excel at those.''

``You saying I'm vane? I ain't vane. You disrespecting me? Yeah, maybe I'm proud but that's 'cos me crew, innit. I'm proud of me bruvvers. ''

Elizabeth turned away to hide a smile.

``Wot you laughing at?'' said Miss Bingley.

``Darcy just said he ain't got no defects. Funny that 'cos I'm staring right at one.'' Elizabeth pointed at Darcy's crotch.

``No'' - said Darcy, ``I've got faults but that ain;t one of 'em, I hope. I've never had any complaints in that department anyway. But I will say if you piss me off then that's it, yeah. I'm fucking through with you, for real."

``I wish I gave a shit,'' cried Elizabeth.

``Everybody got someting which is not good, innit. Nobody perfect.''

``And your something not good is that you fucking hate everybody.''

``And yours,'' he replied with a smile, ``is to talk shit.''

``You two put a sock in it for fuck's sake,'' - cried Miss Bingley, tired of a conversation in which she had no share. - ``Let's have a sing song.''

Her sister made not the smallest objection, and the karaoke machine was switched on, and Darcy, after a few moments recollection, was not sorry for it. He began to feel the danger of paying Elizabeth too much attention.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

In consequence of an agreement between the sisters, the next morning Elizabeth texted her mother, to beg for her bus pas. But Mrs. Bennet, who had calculated on her daughters remaining at Netherfield tower till the following Tuesday, which would exactly finish Jane's week, could not bring herself to receive them with pleasure before. Her answer, therefore, was not propitious, at least not to Elizabeth's wishes, for she was impatient to get home. Mrs. Bennet sent them word that they could not possibly have the bus pass before Tuesday; and in her postscript it was added that, if Mr. Bingley and his sister pressed them to stay longer, she could spare them very well. - Against staying longer, however, Elizabeth was positively resolved - nor did she much expect it would be asked; and fearful, on the contrary, as being considered as intruding themselves needlessly long, she urged Jane to borrow Mr. Bingley's oyster card immediately, and at length it was settled that their original design of leaving Netherfield tower that morning should be mentioned, and the request made.

The communication excited many professions of concern; and enough was said of wishing them to stay at least till the following day, to work on Jane; and till the morrow their going was deferred. Miss Bingley was then sorry that she had proposed the delay, for her jealousy and dislike of one sister much exceeded her affection for the other.

The master of the house heard with real sorrow that they were to go so soon, and repeatedly tried to persuade Miss Bennet that it would not be safe for her - that she was not enough recovered; but Jane was firm when she felt herself to be right.

To Mr. Darcy it was welcome intelligence - Elizabeth had been at Netherfield tower long enough. She attracted him more than he liked - and Miss Bingley was uncivil to her, and more teasing than usual to himself. He wisely resolved to be particularly careful that no sign of admiration should now escape him, nothing that could elevate her with the hope of influencing his felicity; sensible that if such an idea had been suggested, his behaviour during the last day must have material weight in confirming or crushing it. Steady to his purpose, he scarcely spoke ten words to her through the whole of Saturday, and though they were at one time left by themselves for half an hour, he adhered most conscientiously to his book, and would not even look at her.

On Sunday, after "Fat Pets and Their Owners", the separation, so agreeable to almost all, took place. Miss Bingley's civility to Elizabeth increased at last very rapidly, as well as her affection for Jane; and when they parted, after assuring the latter of the pleasure it would always give her to see her either at Longbourn tower or Netherfield tower, and embracing her most tenderly, she even shook hands with the former. - Elizabeth took leave of the whole party in the liveliest spirits.

They were not welcomed home very cordially by their mother. Mrs. Bennet wondered at their coming, and thought them very wrong to give so much trouble, and was sure Jane would have caught cold again. - But their father, though very laconic in his expressions of pleasure, was really glad to see them; he had felt their importance in the family circle. The evening conversation, when they were all assembled, had lost much of its animation, and almost all its sense, by the absence of Jane and Elizabeth.

They found Mary, as usual, deep in the study of thorough bass and human nature; and had some new extracts to admire, and some new observations of thread-bare morality to listen to. Catherine and Lydia had information for them of a different sort. Much had been done and much had been said in the regiment since the preceding Wednesday; several of the officers had dined lately with their uncle at Nandos, a private had been mugged, and it had actually been hinted that Captain Forster was going to be married.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

``Oi moosh!'' said Mr. Bennet to his wife as they were at breakfast the next morning, ``I hope we're having something half fucking decent for dinner tonight, 'cos we're gonna have a guest.''

``Not fucking Charlotte Lucas again. I'm getting sick of feeding that greedy bitch.''

``Na, it's a bloke. A stranger.''

Mrs. Bennet's eyes sparkled. - ``A bloke and a stranger! It is Bingley? I fucking hope so. Why Jane - you sly bitch! Well, that's fantastic! But – Shit! I ain't got enough boil in the bag fish. Bollocks! Lydia, nip down to Maccy D's for me love and buy 8 fillets O'fish.''

``It ain't Bingley,'' said her husband; ``I ain't never met this bloke before.''

This roused a general astonishment; and he had the pleasure of being eagerly questioned by his wife and five daughters at once.

After amusing himself some time with their curiosity, he thus explained. ``About a month ago I received this email, and about a fortnight ago I finally worked out how to fucking answer it. It's from my cousin, Collin, who, when I am dead, or maybe before, will kick you all out of this flat because he fucking owns it.''

``I hate that fucking piece of shit,'' cried his wife, `Lydia, while you're out, pop into Robert Dyas and buy some fucking rat poison. Finish the fucker off, once and for all. ''

Jane and Elizabeth attempted to explain to her the nature of facing a murder charge. They had often attempted it before, but it was a subject on which Mrs. Bennet was beyond the reach of reason; and she continued to rail bitterly against the cruelty of a family of five daughters losing their flat to a man whom nobody cared anything about.

``Bastard had me over a barrel,'' said Mr. Bennet, ``but anyway, read his email. He sounds like a right weird little fucker.''

``No, fucking way! I hate the little shit. I ain't reading nuffin' written my him, ever."

"Yo Uncle,

I know fings wasn't always sweet between you and my dead dad but now I want to make a bad ting good. D'ya feel me blood? But since having been made Spiritual Adviser to the most excellent superstar and queen of pop, Belladonna I fort the time is now right to heal the hurt, for real. Belladonna is literally the best boss in the world. She is so generous and super caring. Nothing escapes her notice. She know the best way to do everything. And, it goes without saying, that she's seriously sexy (she don't look old or nuffing – except for really close up) and she's got a hot body (some people say it's grizzly but as long as she keeps her arms and hands covered she's well tasty. Not that I'm looking. Respect, innit. But at the end of the day I gotta get me a wife and I hear via Facebook that your girls are a bit of alright. D'ya feel me? So I fort I'd come down and check them out 'cos photos can be lying, innit. If I fancy one of 'em and we got a good vibe going on then I might marry one of 'em innit.

Laters

Collin"

``He gets into Charring Cross at 4 so he'll be here for 4.30 or such like,'' said Mr. Bennet, as he shut his laptop. ``Like I said, weird fucker, ain't he. Still, should be good for a laugh. Might be able to sell some of his stories about Belladonna to the tabloids.

``Well, I ain't marrying him,'' said Jane, ``I fancy Bingley.''

Elizabeth was chiefly struck with his extraordinary deference for Belladonna.

``He sounds like a fucking freak to me,'' said she.

``Yeah, should be good for a wind up. ''

``I'd give one,'' said Mary.

To Catherine and Lydia, neither the email nor its writer were in any degree interesting. It was next to impossible that their cousin should come in a camouflage, and it was now some weeks since they had received pleasure from the society of a man in any other colour. As for their mother, Collin's email had done away much of her ill-will, and she was preparing to see him with a degree of composure which astonished her husband and daughters.

Collin was punctual to his time, and was received with great politeness by the whole family. Mr. Bennet, indeed, said little; but the ladies were ready enough to talk, and Collin seemed neither in need of encouragement, nor inclined to be silent himself. He was a tall, heavy looking young man of five and twenty. His air was grave and stately, and his manners were very formal. He had not been long seated before he complimented Mrs. Bennet on having so fine a family of daughters, said he had heard much of their beauty, but that, in this instance, fame had fallen short of the truth; and added, that he did not doubt her seeing them all in due time well disposed of in marriage. This gallantry was not much to the taste of some of his hearers, but Mrs. Bennet who quarrelled with no compliments, answered most readily,

``Yeah, they're fucking gorgeous ain't they. Just as well because when my hubby pops his clogs we're gonna be out on our uppers.''

``'Cos I own the flat, innit.''

``Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Fucking disgrace. ''

``For real, but like I said, I'm looking for a wife, innit. So if they play their cards right... ''

The ping of the microwave signalled that dinner was ready; and the girls smiled on each other. They were not the only objects of Mr. Collins's admiration. The lounge/diner, and all its furniture were examined and praised; and his commendation of everything would have touched Mrs. Bennet's heart, but for the mortifying supposition of his viewing it all as his own future property. The dinner too, in its turn, was highly admired; and he begged to know to which of his fair cousins, the excellence of its heating up was owing. But here he was set right by Mrs. Bennet, who assured him with some asperity that they were very well able to afford take away, and that her daughters had nothing to do in the kitchen. He begged pardon for having displeased her. In a softened tone she declared herself not at all offended; but he continued to apologise for about a quarter of an hour.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

During dinner, Mr. Bennet scarcely spoke at all; but when take away cartons had been cleared from the table, he thought it time to have some conversation with his guest, and therefore started a subject in which he expected him to shine, by observing that he seemed very fortunate in his patroness. Belladonna's attention to his wishes, and consideration for his comfort, appeared very remarkable. Mr. Bennet could not have chosen better. Mr. Collins was eloquent in her praise. The subject elevated him to more than usual solemnity of manner, and with a most important aspect he protested that he had never in his life witnessed such behaviour in a person of rank - such affability and condescension, as he had himself experienced from Belladonna. She had been graciously pleased to approve of both the discourses which he had already had the honour of preaching before her. She had also asked him twice to dine at Rosings, and had sent for him only the Saturday before, to make up her audience for karaoke in the evening. Belladonna was reckoned proud by many people he knew, but he had never seen anything but affability in her. She had always spoken to him as she would to any other spiritual adviser; she made not the smallest objection to his joining in the society of the neighbourhood, nor to his leaving his home occasionally for a week or two, to visit his relations. She had even condescended to advise him to marry as soon as he could, provided he chose with discretion; and had once paid him a visit in his humble parsonage; where she had perfectly approved all the alterations he had been making, and had even vouchsafed to suggest some herself, - some shelves in the closets up stairs.

``Whatever,'' said Mrs. Bennet, ``D'ya live near her?''

``My humble abode is separated only by a lane from Rosings Park.''

``I think you said she was a divorcee? has she got any kids?''

``Yeah, a daughter, Vatican. ''

``What's she like?'' cried Mrs. Bennet.

``She's lush! But a bit sick. Coughs a lot. She sometimes pops round to visit so I think she's got the hots for me, innit. I think she heard me telling her mum that I thought she was well lush so it's given her ideas. She ain't all that but when you're talking to Belladonna you gotta guild the lilly, ya feel me."

``Good idea,'' said Mr. Bennet, ``do ya sit there finking up flattering things to say or is it off the top of your head stuff? ''

``Bit a both but I always make it look like I've just thought of it, innit."

Mr. Bennet's expectations were fully answered. His cousin was as absurd as he had hoped, and he listened to him with the keenest enjoyment, maintaining at the same time the most resolute composure of countenance, and, except in an occasional glance at Elizabeth, requiring no partner in his pleasure.

By tea-time, however, the dose had been enough, and Mr. Bennet was glad to take his guest into the lounge/diner again, and when tea was over, glad to invite him to read aloud tomorrows betting odds from The Sun newspaper.

``Fuck, I'm bored," cried Lydia.

Lydia was bid by her two eldest sisters to hold her tongue; but Mr. Collins, much offended, laid aside the news paper, and said,

``I ain't reading nuffin' then.

Then turning to Mr. Bennet, he suggested that they watch old Belladonna vidoes. Mr. Bennet accepted the challenge, observing that he acted very wisely in leaving the girls to their own trifling amusements. Mrs. Bennet and her daughters apologised most civilly for Lydia's interruption, and promised that it should not occur again, if he would resume his news paper; but Mr. Collins, after assuring them that he bore his young cousin no ill will, and should never resent her behaviour as any affront, seated himself at another table with Mr. Bennet, and a Belladonna fest.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Collin was not a sensible man, and the deficiency of nature had been but little assisted by education or society; the greatest part of his life having been spent under the guidance of an illiterate and miserly father; and though he belonged to one of the universities, he had merely kept the necessary terms, without forming at it any useful acquaintance. The subjection in which his father had brought him up had given him originally great humility of manner, but it was now a good deal counteracted by the self-conceit of a weak head, living in retirement, and the consequential feelings of early and unexpected prosperity. A fortunate chance had recommended him to Belladonna when the position of Spiritually Advisor was vacant; and the respect which he felt for her high rank and his veneration for her as his patroness, mingling with a very good opinion of himself, of his authority as her advisor, and his rights as an employee, made him altogether a mixture of pride and obsequiousness, self-importance and humility.

Having now a good house and very sufficient income, he intended to marry; and in seeking a reconciliation with the Longbourn family he had a wife in view, as he meant to choose one of the daughters, if he found them as handsome and amiable as they were represented by common report. This was his plan of amends - of atonement - for inheriting their father's estate; and he thought it an excellent one, full of eligibility and suitableness, and excessively generous and disinterested on his own part.

His plan did not vary on seeing them. - Miss Bennet's lovely face confirmed his views, and established all his strictest notions of what was due to seniority; and for the first evening she was his settled choice. The next morning, however, made an alteration; for in a quarter of an hour's te^te-a`-te^te with Mrs. Bennet before breakfast, a conversation beginning with his parsonage-house, and leading naturally to the avowal of his hopes that a mistress for it might be found at Longbourn, produced from her, amid very complaisant smiles and general encouragement, a caution against the very Jane he had fixed on. - ``As to her younger daughters she could not take upon her to say - she could not positively answer - but she did not know of any prepossession; - her eldest daughter, she must just mention - she felt it incumbent on her to hint, was likely to be very soon to get pregnant.''

Mr. Collins had only to change from Jane to Elizabeth - and it was soon done - done while Mrs. Bennet was stirring her tea. Elizabeth, equally next to Jane in birth and beauty, succeeded her of course.

Mrs. Bennet treasured up the hint, and trusted that she might soon have two daughters pregnant; and the man whom she could not bear to speak of the day before was now high in her good graces.

Lydia's wanted to walk over to Meryton tower; every sister except Mary agreed to go with her; and Collin was to attend them, at the request of Mr. Bennet, who was most anxious to get rid of him, and have his Viva channel to himself; for thither Collin had followed him after breakfast, and there he would continue, nominally engaged with "Medical Emergency", but really talking to Mr. Bennet, with little cessation, of his house and garden at Hunsford. Such doings discomposed Mr. Bennet exceedingly. In front of his TV he had been always sure of leisure and tranquillity; and though prepared, as he told Elizabeth, to meet with folly and conceit in every other part of the flat, he was used to be free from them there; his civility, therefore, was most prompt in inviting Collin to join his daughters in their walk; and Collin, being in fact much better fitted for a walker than a couch potato, was extremely well pleased to get up from the settee, and go.

In pompous nothings on his side, and civil assents on that of his cousins, their time passed till they entered Meryton tower. The attention of the younger ones was then no longer to be gained by him. Their eyes were immediately wandering up the lobby in quest of the squaddies, and nothing less than a very smart boner indeed, or a really new muslim in a window, could recall them.

But the attention of every lady was soon caught by a young man, whom they had never seen before, of most gentlemanlike appearance, walking with an officer on the other side of the lobby. The officer was the very Mr. Denny, concerning whose return from London Lydia came to inquire, and he bowed as they passed. All were struck with the stranger's air, all wondered who he could be, and Kitty and Lydia, determined if possible to find out, led the way across the lobby, under pretence of wanting something in an opposite flat, and fortunately had just gained the pavement when the two gentlemen, turning back, had reached the same spot. Mr. Denny addressed them directly, and entreated permission to introduce his friend, Mr. Walid Salwar Kameez es Bin Laden, who had returned with him the day before from a terrorist training camp in Afganistan, and he was happy to say, had accepted a commission in their corps. This was exactly as it should be; for the young man wanted only regimentals to make him completely charming. His appearance was greatly in his favour; he had all the best part of beauty - a fine countenance, a good figure, and very pleasing address. The introduction was followed up on his side by a happy readiness of conversation - a readiness at the same time perfectly correct and unassuming; and the whole party were still standing and talking together very agreeably, when the sound of a Ford Cortina drew their notice, the party went outside and Darcy and Bingley were seen riding down the street. On distinguishing the ladies of the group, the two gentlemen came directly towards them, and began the usual civilities. Bingley was the principal spokesman, and Miss Bennet the principal object. He was then, he said, on his way to Longbourn tower on purpose to inquire after her. Mr. Darcy corroborated it with a flick of his fingers, and was beginning to determine not to fix his eyes on Elizabeth, when they were suddenly arrested by the sight of the stranger, and Elizabeth happening to see the countenance of both as they looked at each other, was all astonishment at the effect of the meeting. Both changed colour, one looked white, the other red. Mr. Walid Salwar Kameez es Bin Laden, after a few moments, touched his hat - a salutation which Mr. Darcy just deigned to return. What could be the meaning of it? - It was impossible to imagine; it was impossible not to long to know.

In another minute Mr. Bingley, but without seeming to have noticed what passed, took leave and rode on with his friend.

Mr. Denny and Mr. Walid Salwar Kameez es Bin Laden walked with the young ladies to the door of Mr. Philips's flat, and then made their bows, in spite of Miss Lydia's pressing entreaties that they would come in, and even in spite of Mrs. Philips' throwing up the parlour window and loudly seconding the invitation.

Mrs. Philips was always glad to see her nieces, and the two eldest, from their recent absence, were particularly welcome, and she was eagerly expressing her surprise at their sudden return home, which, as their own bus pass had not fetched them, she should have known nothing about, if she had not happened to see Mr. Jones's paper boy in the street, who had told her that they were not to phone Netherfield tower because the Miss Bennets were come away, when her civility was claimed towards Collins Jane's introduction of him. She received him with her very best politeness, which he returned with as much more, apologising for his intrusion without any previous acquaintance with her, which he could not help flattering himself, however, might be justified by his relationship to the young ladies who introduced him to her notice. Mrs. Philips was quite awed by such an excess of good breeding; but her contemplation of one stranger was soon put an end to by exclamations and inquiries about the other, of whom, however, she could only tell her nieces what they already knew, that Mr. Denny had brought him from a terrorist training camp in Afganistan, and that he was to have a lieutenant's commission in the -shire. She had been watching him the last hour, she said, as he walked up and down the lobby, and had Mr. Walid Salwar Kameez es Bin Laden appeared, Kitty and Lydia would certainly have continued the occupation, but unluckily no one passed the windows now except a few of the squaddies, who in comparison with the stranger, were become ``ugly fuckers.'' Some of them were to dine with the Philipses the next day, and their aunt promised to make her husband call on Mr. Walid Salwar Kameez es Bin Laden, and give him an invitation also, if the family from Longbourn tower would come in the evening. This was agreed to, and Mrs. Philips protested that they would have a nice comfortable noisy game of lottery tickets, and a little bit of hot supper afterwards. The prospect of such delights was very cheering, and they parted in mutual good spirits. Collin repeated his apologies in quitting the room, and was assured with unwearying civility that they were perfectly needless.

As they walked home, Elizabeth related to Jane what she had seen pass between the two gentlemen; but though Jane would have defended either or both, had they appeared to be wrong, she could no more explain such behaviour than her sister.

Collin, on his return, highly gratified Mrs. Bennet by admiring Mrs. Philips's manners and politeness. He protested that except Belladonna and her daughter, he had never seen a more elegant woman; for she had not only received him with the utmost civility, but had even pointedly included him in her invitation for the next evening, although utterly unknown to her before. Something he supposed might be attributed to his connection with them, but yet he had never met with so much attention in the whole course of his life.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

As no objection was made to the young people's engagement with their aunt, and all Colin's scruples of leaving Mr. and Mrs. Bennet for a single evening during his visit were most steadily resisted, the bus conveyed him and his five cousins at a suitable hour to Meryton tower; and the girls had the pleasure of hearing, as they entered the drawing-room, that Mr. Walid had accepted their uncle's invitation, and was then in the house.

When this information was given, and they had all taken their seats, Colin was at leisure to look around him and admire, and he was so much struck with the size and furniture of the apartment, that he declared he might almost have supposed himself in the small summer breakfast parlour at Rosings; a comparison that did not at first convey much gratification; but when Mrs. Philips understood from him what Rosings was, and who was its proprietor, when she had listened to the description of only one of Belladonna's drawing-rooms, and found that the chimney-piece alone had cost eight hundred pounds, she felt all the force of the compliment, and would hardly have resented a comparison with the housekeeper's room.

In describing to her all the grandeur of Belladonna and her mansion, with occasional digressions in praise of his own humble abode and the improvements it was receiving, he was happily employed until the squaddies joined them; and he found in Mrs. Philips a very attentive listener, whose opinion of his consequence increased with what she heard, and who was resolving to retail it all among her neighbours as soon as she could. To the girls, who could not listen to their cousin, and who had nothing to do but to wish for an instrument, and examine their own indifferent imitations of china on the mantlepiece, the interval of waiting appeared very long. It was over at last, however. The squaddies did approach; and when Mr. Walid walked into the room, Elizabeth felt that she had neither been seeing him before, nor thinking of him since, with the smallest degree of unreasonable admiration. The squaddies of the -shire were in general a very creditable, gentlemanlike set, and the best of them were of the present party; but Mr. Walid was as far beyond them all in person, countenance, air, and walk, as they were superior to the broad-faced stuffy uncle Philips, breathing port wine, who followed them into the room.

Mr. Walid was the happy man towards whom almost every female eye was turned, and Elizabeth was the happy woman by whom he finally seated himself; and the agreeable manner in which he immediately fell into conversation, though it was only on its being a wet night, and on the probability of a rainy season, made her feel that the commonest, dullest, most threadbare topic might be rendered interesting by the skill of the speaker.

With such rivals for the notice of the fair, as Mr. Walid and the officers, Mr. Colin seemed likely to sink into insignificance; to the young ladies he certainly was nothing; but he had still at intervals a kind listener in Mrs. Philips, and was, by her watchfulness, most abundantly supplied with coffee and muffin.

When the bingo cards were placed, he had an opportunity of obliging her in return, by sitting down to bingo.

``I know little of the game, at present,'' said he, ``but I shall be glad to improve myself, for in my situation of life -'' Mrs. Philips was very thankful for his compliance, but could not wait for his reason.

Mr. Walid did not play at bingo, for he did not believe in gambling, and with ready delight was he received at the Britney Spears appreciation table between Elizabeth and Lydia. At first there seemed danger of Lydia's engrossing him entirely for she was a most determined talker; but being likewise extremely fond of bingo, she soon grew too much interested in the game, too eager in making bets and exclaiming after prizes, to have attention for any one in particular. Allowing for the common demands of the game, Mr. Walid was therefore at leisure to talk to Elizabeth, and she was very willing to hear him, though what she chiefly wished to hear she could not hope to be told, the history of his acquaintance with Mr. Darcy. She dared not even mention that gentleman. Her curiosity however was unexpectedly relieved. Mr. Walid began the subject himself. He inquired how far Netherfield tower was from Meryton; and, after receiving her answer, asked in a hesitating manner how long Darcy had been staying there.

``About a month,'' said Elizabeth; and then, unwilling to let the subject drop, added, ``He's got a council house with a garden in Derbyshire, innit.''

``Yes,'' replied Walid; - ``it's a nice house. He rents it out and gets a clear ten thousand per annum. I was brought up with him, innit."

"Shut up!" Elizabeth could not but look surprised.

``For real. Did you clock him yesterday? Cold bastard. D'you fancy him or what?"

``No! I fucking hate him,'' cried Elizabeth warmly, - ``I've spent four days in the same flat with him, and I think he's a fucking arsehole.''

``I can't give an opinion,'' said Walid, ``on him being agreeable with others, you feel me? All I'm sayin', yeah, is that I have known the blood clot too long and to well. But most people think he is the business 'cos he got money and a council house with a garden, innit."

``Well, most people here think he's a fucking tosser.''

``For real?'' said Wickham.

``Well, I don't know him that well, I mean, I ain't shagged him or nuffink, but I found him to be a right old grumpy git.'' Wickham only shook his head.

``I wonder,'' said he, at the next opportunity of speaking, ``how long he stayin' in Tower Hamlets?''

``I dunno but don't you leave 'cos of him. You're well fit.''

``Oh no! He can fuck off if he thinks I'm going anywhere. If he wants to avoid seeing me, he must go, innit. But it pains me, you feel. The boy gone done me wrong. His father, right, was fucking brilliant. Respect. I loved him, yeah, for real. But his son is a fucking disgrace.''

Elizabeth found the interest of the subject increase, and listened with all her heart; but the delicacy of it prevented farther inquiry.

Mr. Walid began to speak on more general topics, Meryton tower, the neighbourhood, the society, appearing highly pleased with all that he had yet seen, and speaking of the latter especially, with gentle but very intelligible gallantry.

``I just want to chill with good people, you feel me,'' he added, ``that's why I came to Tower Hamlets with this regiment because I'm a disappointed man, and my spirits is broken, innit. I didn't wanna be in the army. I was meant to have a job in the church and live in some nice parsonage, you feel me, but because Darcy decided to fuck me up I didn't get nuffink.''

``For real! But do they allow Muslims to be vicars?''

``Yes, they ain't fussy. Anyway, I weren't a Muslim then. I became one when I got bitter, innit. Yeah, Darcy's dad got it all set up so that I could have a well cushy living but Darcy mashed all his plans up proper. ''

``That's fucking out of order!'' cried Elizabeth; ``Didn't fucking take him to court or nuffing? ''

``He didn't write nuffing down 'cos he trusted his son, innit. ''

``That is well shocking! - He deserves to be publicly disgraced, innit.''

``For real. But not by me 'cos I respect his dead father, innit. ''

Elizabeth honoured him for such feelings, and thought him handsomer than ever as he expressed them.

``But,'' said she after a pause, ``why did he dis you so bad? ''

``Because he fucking hates me, innit. 'Cos his father loved me so he got fucking jealous. ''

``I knew he was a bastard but I didn't think he was a total arsehole. ''

After a few minutes reflection, however, she continued, ``Now I come to fink of it he did say, when I was staying at Netherfield tower, that he can be an unforgiving piece of shit.''

Elizabeth was again deep in thought, and after a time exclaimed, ``What a fucking wanker! ''

``We were born on the same council estate, when we was growing up we was mates and our dads was like this," Walid crossed his fingers, "and Darcy's dad was shit at DIY and gardening so my dad used to do all that for him and it's thanks to my dad that Darcy's garden still wins 'Best on Estate'. His dad felt well indebted to my dad and that's why he said he'd look after me and everything would be sweet. But Darcy fucked it all up, innit.''

``Tosser!'' cried Elizabeth. ``His pride didn't make him honest, innit.''

``For real,'' - replied Wickham, - ``for him it's always been pride, pride, pride."

``Yeah, and what good's it ever done him, innit?''

``Yes, innit. At home he's always splashing the money about and buying new stuff for his fucking garden and he always makes out like he's the nicest fucking brother on earth."

``What's is sister like?''

He shook his head. - ``A fucking stuck up cock tease.''

After many pauses and many trials of other subjects, Elizabeth could not help reverting once more to the first, and saying,

``But Bingley's proper nice. How can they be friends? ''

Walid shrugged.

``Bingley is a right old sweetie. He most probably don't know what Darcy's really like.''

``For real. 'Cos Darcy can be charming when he wants, innit.''

The bingo party soon afterwards breaking up, the players gathered round the other table, and Colin took his station between his cousin Elizabeth and Mrs. Philips. - The usual inquiries as to his success were made by the latter. It had not been very great; he had lost every point; but when Mrs. Philips began to express her concern thereupon, he assured her with much earnest gravity that it was not of the least importance, that he considered the money as a mere trifle, and begged she would not make herself uneasy.

``I took a gamble, innit,'' said he, ``I lost £50 but it don't matter 'cos thanks to Belladonna there will be plenty more where that came from.''

Walid's attention was caught; and after observing Colin for a few moments, he asked Elizabeth in a low voice whether her relation were very intimately acquainted with Belladonna.

``Belladonna,'' she replied, ``has just made him her spiritual advisor. ''

``You know that Belladonna and Darcy's mum were sisters; so she's his aunt, innit.''

``For real?"

``Her daughter, Vatican, is minted, and everybody want her and Darcy to marry, innit.''

This information made Elizabeth smile, as she thought of poor Miss Bingley. Vain indeed must be all her attentions, vain and useless her affection for his sister and her praise of himself, if he were already self-destined to another.

``Colin,'' said she, ``keeps going on about how fucking brilliant Belladonna is but she sounds like a fucking tosser to me.''

``Too right,'' replied Walid; ``I ain't seen her forever but I remember that she was a fucking control freak who liked to shag toyboys."

Elizabeth allowed that he had given a very rational account of it, and they continued talking together with mutual satisfaction till supper put an end to bingo; and gave the rest of the ladies their share of Walid's attentions. There could be no conversation in the noise of Mrs. Philips's supper party, but his manners recommended him to everybody. Whatever he said, was said well; and whatever he did, done gracefully. Elizabeth went away with her head full of him. She could think of nothing but of Walid, and of what he had told her, all the way home; but there was not time for her even to mention his name as they went, for neither Lydia nor Colin were once silent. Lydia talked incessantly of bingo cards, of Mrs. Philip's smelling of fish because she didn't wash properly down below, and Colin, in describing the civility of Mr. and Mrs. Philips, protesting that he had not in the ,east smelt fish and regarded his losses at bingo, enumerating all the dishes at supper, and repeatedly fearing that he crowded his cousins, had more to say than he could well manage before the bus stopped at Longbourn tower.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Elizabeth related to Jane the next day, what had passed between Walid and herself. Jane listened with astonishment and concern; - she knew not how to believe that Darcy could be so unworthy of Bingley's regard; and yet, it was not in her nature to question the veracity of a young man of such amiable appearance as Walid. - The possibility of his having really endured such unkindness, was enough to interest all her tender feelings; and nothing therefore remained to be done, but to think well of them both, to defend the conduct of each, and throw into the account of accident or mistake, whatever could not be otherwise explained.

``I don't really give a shit,'' said she, ``I'm only interested in Bingley. I don't wanna shag nobody else.''

``That Walid is well tasty. ''

``I'm not sayin' that Walid is lying, right but equally my Bingley ain't gonna hang with Darcy if he's a bad as what Walid says he is.''

``You callin' Walid a liar? You fucking dissing him?''

``Nah, I'm just saying that I don't know what to fink, that's all.''

``I fucking do.''

But Jane could think with certainty on only one point, - that Mr. Bingley, if he had been imposed on, would have much to suffer when the affair became public.

The two young ladies were summoned from behind the wheelie bins where this conversation passed, by the arrival of some of the very persons of whom they had been speaking; Bingley and his sisters came to give their personal invitation for the long expected wine and cheese party at Netherfield Tower, which was fixed for the following Tuesday. It not mattering that it was a week night as everybody who was invited was unemployed. The two ladies were delighted to see their dear friend again, called it an age since they had met, and repeatedly asked what she had been doing with herself since their separation. To the rest of the family they paid little attention; avoiding Mrs. Bennet as much as possible, saying not much to Elizabeth, and nothing at all to the others. They were soon gone again, rising from their seats with an activity which took their brother by surprise, and hurrying off as if eager to escape from Mrs. Bennet's civilities.

The prospect of the Netherfield Tower wine and cheese evening was extremely agreeable to every female of the family. Mrs. Bennet chose to consider it as given in compliment to her eldest daughter, and was particularly flattered by receiving the invitation from Bingley himself, instead of by text; Jane pictured to herself a happy evening in the society of her two friends, and the attention of their brother; and Elizabeth thought with pleasure of dancing a great deal with Walid, and of seeing a confirmation of everything in Darcy's looks and behaviour. The happiness anticipated by Catherine and Lydia, depended less on any single event, or any particular person, for though they each, like Elizabeth, meant to dance half the evening with Walid, he was by no means the only partner who could satisfy them, and a party was at any rate, a party. And even Mary could assure her family that she had no disinclination for it.

``I hope they have karaoke as well as dancing,'' said she.

Elizabeth's spirits were so high on the occasion that, though she did not often speak unnecessarily to Colin, she could not help asking him whether he intended to accept Bingley's invitation, and, if he did, whether he would think it proper to join in the evening's amusement; and she was rather surprised to find that he entertained no scruple whatever on that head, and was very far from dreading a rebuke from Belladonna, by venturing to dance.

``I am favouring Islam at the moment,'' said he, ``so usually when I am Islamic I avoid dancing and listening to music but this is a cheese and wine party being given by a young man of character to respectable people so there can be no evil, innit; and I wanna dance with you for sure. We'll start the evening off, yeah. I'm not dissing Jane but she's well old, ya feel me. I'd be surprised if she's still ovulating so what's the point, innit.''

Elizabeth felt herself completely taken in. She had fully proposed being engaged by Walid for those very dances: - and to have Colin instead! Her liveliness had been never worse timed. There was no help for it however. Mr. Walid's happiness and her own was perforce delayed a little longer, and Colin's proposal accepted with as good a grace as she could. She was not the better pleased with his gallantry from the idea it suggested of something more. - It now first struck her that she was selected from among her sisters as worthy of being the mistress of Hunsford Parsonage, and of assisting to form a tantric yoga class at Rosings, in the absence of more eligible visitors. The idea soon reached to conviction, as she observed his increasing civilities toward herself, and heard his frequent attempt at a compliment on her wit and vivacity; and though more astonished than gratified herself by this effect of her charms, it was not long before her mother gave her to understand that the probability of their marriage was exceedingly agreeable to her. Elizabeth, however, did not choose to take the hint, being well aware that a serious dispute must be the consequence of any reply. Colin might never make the offer, and till he did, it was useless to quarrel about him.

If there had not been a Netherfield cheese and wine party to prepare for and talk of, the younger Miss Bennets would have been in a pitiable state at this time, for from the day of the invitation to the day of the party, there was such a succession of rain as prevented their walking to Meryton Tower once. No aunt, no squaddies, no news could be sought after; - the very reproduction Ugg boots for Netherfield were got by proxy. Even Elizabeth might have found some trial of her patience in weather which totally suspended the improvement of her acquaintance with Mr. Walid; and nothing less than a party on Tuesday, could have made such a Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday endurable to Kitty and Lydia.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Elizabeth entered the lounge/diner at Bingley's flat in Netherfield Tower dressed in a white crop top and baggy shell suit bottoms. She looked in vain for Mr. Walid among the cluster of squaddies there assembled, a doubt of his being present had never occurred to her. The certainty of meeting him had not been checked by any of those recollections that might not unreasonably have alarmed her. She had dressed with more than usual care, and prepared in the highest spirits for the conquest of all that remained unsubdued of his heart, trusting that it was not more than might be won in the course of the evening. But in an instant arose the dreadful suspicion of his being purposely omitted for Mr. Darcy's pleasure in the Bingleys' invitation to the squaddies; and though this was not exactly the case, the absolute fact of his absence was pronounced by his friend Denny the Dildo, to whom Lydia eagerly applied, and who told them that Walid had been obliged to go to Bradford on business the day before, and was not yet returned; adding, with a significant smile,  
``He wanted to avoid the Bingley Boyz Massive, I reckon.''

This part of his intelligence, though unheard by Lydia, was caught by Elizabeth, and as it assured her that Darcy was not less answerable for Walid's absence than if her first surmise had been just, every feeling of displeasure against the former was so sharpened by immediate disappointment, that she could hardly reply with tolerable civility to the polite inquiries which he directly afterwards approached to make. - Attention, forbearance, patience with Darcy, was injury to Walid. She was resolved against any sort of conversation with him, and turned away with a degree of ill humour, which she could not wholly surmount even in speaking to Mr. Bingley, whose blind partiality provoked her.

But Elizabeth was not formed for ill-humour; and though every prospect of her own was destroyed for the evening, it could not dwell long on her spirits; and having told all her griefs to Charlotte Lucas, whom she had not seen for a week, she was soon able to make a voluntary transition to the oddities of her cousin, and to point him out to her particular notice. The two first dances, however, brought a return of distress; they were dances of mortification. Colin, awkward and solemn, apologising instead of attending, and often moving wrong without being aware of it, gave her all the shame and misery which a disagreeable partner for a couple of dances can give. The moment of her release from him was ecstasy.

She danced next with an squaddie, and had the refreshment of talking of Walid, and of hearing that he was universally liked. When those dances were over she returned to Charlotte Lucas, and was in conversation with her, when she found herself suddenly addressed by Darcy, who took her so much by surprise in his application for her hand, that, without knowing what she did, she accepted him. He walked away again immediately, and she was left to fret over her own want of presence of mind; Charlotte tried to console her.

``He's fucking fit! What ya moaning abart? Just deal wiv it, innit.''

``Piss of Charlotte. You know I hate his fucking guts. If you say I fancy him again I'm gonna fucking give you a Chinese burn, yeah. And don't be giving me no evils!''

When the dancing recommenced, however, and Darcy approached to claim her hand, Charlotte could not help cautioning her, in a whisper, not to be a simpleton, and allow her fancy for Walid to make her appear unpleasant in the eyes of a man of ten times his consequence. Elizabeth made no answer, amazed at the dignity to which she was arrived in being allowed to stand opposite to Mr. Darcy, and reading in her neighbours' looks their equal amazement in beholding it. They stood for some time without speaking a word; and she began to imagine that their silence was to last through the two dances, and at first was resolved not to break it; till suddenly fancying that it would be the greater punishment to her partner to oblige him to talk, she made some slight observation on the dance. He replied, and was again silent. After a pause of some minutes, she addressed him a second time with:

``You gonna fucking say somefink, or what? ''

He smiled, and assured her that whatever she wished him to say should be said.

``Whatever." In an attempt to liven things up a bit Elizabeth attempted to grab Darcy's balls but he dodged out the way. Too quick for her grasping hand. He stared at her aghast. "Chillax!" said she, "I think touching balls in private is much nicer than trying to touch them in public. Anyway, you can shut up now. You're piss boring."

``You like to talk while you're dancing, innit?''

``I said shut up. But yeah, sometimes. Gotta do somefink, especially when they won't let you play with their balls, innit.''

``Do what you feel. You can gratify me and mine, understand?" Darcy moved in closer and subtly placed her hand over his dick and balls.

``Both?'' replied Elizabeth archly; ``You're making me touch both? You fucking cheeky sod! Here, you're a bit like me, you are. I can't stand it if somebody just touches one tit. They have to touch both. Otherwise I go fucking mental. Also, like me, you don't like to say nuffink unless it's really clever, innit.''

``Can you even spell 'clever'?"

``No. Can you?''

He made no answer, and they were again silent till they had gone down on each other in the bathroom. Plucking a short peroxide pubic hair from his teeth he asked her if she and her sisters did not very often walk to Meryton Tower. She answered in the affirmative, and, unable to resist the temptation, added, ``Yeah, made a friend over there the other day, innit.''

The effect was immediate. A deeper shade of hauteur overspread his features, but he said not a word, and Elizabeth, though blaming herself for her own weakness, could not go on and put away his penis and zipped up his jeans. At length Darcy spoke, and in a constrained manner said,

``Walid can make friends but the question is – can he keep them? ''

``He lose your friendship, good and proper,'' replied Elizabeth with emphasis, ``and now he suffering, innit. For all his life.'' She stared at him from under hooded eyes while sucking air through her teeth.

Darcy made no answer, and seemed desirous of changing the subject. At that moment Willie Lucas appeared close to them as they headed back to the lounge/diner, on perceiving Mr. Darcy he stopped with a high five of superior courtesy, to compliment him on his dancing and his partner.

``Nice moves! Haven't seen dancing like that since Maria made me watch '8 Mile'. Mind you, Lizzy's an eyeful on the dance floor, especially when she don't wear no bra." Willie smiled longingly. "Anyway, you'll be able to watch her tits giggle till your hearts delight once Jane's got her teeth into Bingley. What maintenance will then flow in! Anyway, as you were, get back to dancing, it must be her bewitching converse trainers what make her so good. I'll go now. She's giving me evils.''

The latter part of this address was scarcely, heard by Darcy; but Willie's allusion to his friend seemed to strike him forcibly, and his eyes were directed with a very serious expression towards Bingley and Jane, who were dancing together. Recovering himself, however, shortly, he turned to his partner, and said,

``Now that the village idiot has gone, what were you saying?''

``I wasn't saying nuffink. I had me mouth full, didn't I.''

``What d'you think of bookies?'' said he, smiling.

``Bookies - Oh! no. - I am sure we never place the same bet, or not with the same feelings.''

``I am sorry but at least that way we can compare our different odds.''

``No - I can't talk about bookies at a party; my head is always full of something else. Usually jiz.''

``You always swallow?'' said he, with a look of doubt.

``Yes, always,'' she replied, without knowing what she said, for her thoughts had wandered far from the subject, as soon afterwards appeared by her suddenly exclaiming,

``When I was staying over you said that once you hated somebody that was it, you basically fucking hated them forever. But you've gotta be sure, ain't you, that you proper hate them before you decide to hate them forever. 'Cos it's like the reverse of that Titanic song, innit." Lizzy started to sing 'The Hate Must Go On'.

``I am,'' said he, with a firm voice.

``And never get all blind raged up with prejudice and racialist?''

``I hope not.''

``Yeah, 'cos I can't fucking stand none of that.''

``Where are you going these all these questions?''

``Just sayin', innit,'' said she, endeavouring to shake off her gravity. ``I am trying to work you out, like.''

``And what is your success?''

She shook her head. ``I dunno. You're doing my fucking head in."

``That I can believe,'' answered he gravely, ``Don't judge by my performance in the bathroom just now. I was off my game and I've had too much to drink. Usually I can last for ages. ''

``Whatever.''

``Don't fucking worry, it's doesn't mean that I'd suspend any pleasure of yours. Even if we had to use a fucking rampant rabbit'' he coldly replied. She said no more, and they went down on each other again and parted in silence; on each side dissatisfied, though not to an equal degree, for in Darcy's bulging jeans there was a tolerable powerful feeling towards her, which soon procured her pardon, and directed all his anger against another.

They had not long separated when Miss Bingley came towards her, and with an expression of civil disdain thus accosted her,

``You fancy Walid, innit! - Your sister has been talking to me about him, and asking me a thousand questions; I think he forgot to tell you, amongst other things, that he was the son of old Wickham, the late Mr. Darcy's gardener and handy man. And let me tell you this Walid, yeah, is a total prick, yeah. Anything that comes out of his mouth is total shit. And my bruvver is fucking glad that the piss pot didn't turn up with the squaddies. Fucking low life."

``Shut your legs your breath smells,'' said Elizabeth angrily.

``Yeah, and you go and flow,'' replied Miss Bingley, turning away with a sneer. ``You've got a dark curly hair between your front teeth.''

``Go piss yourself!'' said Elizabeth to herself. - ``I like Walid and you ain't gonna change nuffink.'' She then sought her eldest sister, who had undertaken to make inquiries on the same subject of Bingley. Jane met her with a smile of such sweet complacency, a glow of such happy expression, as sufficiently marked how well she was satisfied with the occurrences of the evening. - Elizabeth instantly read her feelings, and at that moment solicitude for Walid, resentment against his enemies and everything else gave way before the hope of Jane's being in the fairest way for happiness.

``I want to know,'' said she, with a countenance no less smiling than her sister's, ``what you've found out about Walid. But perhaps you've been too busy with your tongue down Bingley's throat to think anything else. You dirty little slapper.''

``Shut it!'' replied Jane, ``Bingley don't know much about it but reckons that Walid's a bad'un and so does his sister and she reckons that Walid's a crap lay and has got a small dick."

``He ain't got a small dick. She's got a massive minge more like. Anyway, so Bingley don't actually know him, innit?''

``No; he never saw him until the other morning at Meryton Tower.''

``Well then he's just talking shit that he picked up from Darcy. But what about him wanting to be a vicar and all that?''

``Bingley reckons that it Walid could only become a vicar on conditions that he cut his hair, stopped shagging women, going to raves and doing drugs. He did stop doing all those fings but only after he turned Muslim."

``Bingley is talking second hand shite,'' said Elizabeth warmly; ``As far as I'm concerned Darcy's the arsehole and Walid's the toilet paper. Poor sod. Having said that, I did do Darcy in the toilet just now but he was shit.'' Elizabeth eyed the buffet and reached for a Ryvita crisp bread draped in a Kraft cheese single. After eating that, and feeling slightly more daring she nibbled at a Laughing Cow triangle and grabbed at the nearest bottle of Lambrusco to wash the taste of Darcy away."

"Oh look at these!" cried Jane, pointing to the cheddars biscuits with Primula cheese and prawn spread swirled on top, "proper dainty!"

"I'm fucking sick of dancing. I wanna do some karaoke," cried Elizabeth.

Ever helpful, Bingley immediately cleared the dance floor and turned on the karaoke machine and, as a homage to Walid, Elizabeth sang a soulful version of the Britney Spears 'Sometimes' with all the actions. Darcy was unable to take his eyes off her throughout.

Afterwards Elizabeth threw down the mike and muttered to her sister, "I wish he'd stop fucking staring! I know I'm gorgeous but he takes the fucking piss." She then changed the discourse to one more gratifying to each, and on which there could be no difference of sentiment. Elizabeth listened with delight to the happy, though modest hopes which Jane entertained of Bingley's regard, and said all in her power to heighten her confidence in it. On their being joined by Mr. Bingley himself, Elizabeth withdrew to Miss Lucas; to whose inquiry after the pleasantness of her last partner she had scarcely replied, before Colin came up to them and told her with great exultation that he had just been so fortunate as to make a most important discovery.

``Guess what!'' said he, ``that bloke over there is the nephew of Belladonna! I must go over and introduce myself and find out what religion he's into and shit."

``I wouldn't bovver. He's an arsehole and he'll tell you to fuck off.''

``I am Belladonna's spiritual advisor. It is my duty to chill with her family and look after their spiritual needs.''

Elizabeth tried hard to dissuade him from such a scheme; assuring him that Mr. Darcy would consider his addressing him without introduction as an impertinent freedom, rather than a compliment to his aunt; that it was not in the least necessary there should be any notice on either side, and that if it were, it must belong to Mr. Darcy, the superior in consequence, to begin the acquaintance. - Colin listened to her with the determined air of following his own inclination and when she ceased speaking, replied thus,

``My dear little Lizzy, I have the highest opinion in the world of your excellent judgment in all matters within the scope of your understanding such as Britney Spears greatest hits, the price of a Big Mac, how many pages there are in a 'Hello' magazine but I am a spiritual advisor so really, because I'm closer to God, I'm actually socially superior to Darcy so he better be nice to me if he wants me to put a good word for him with him upstairs," Colin pointed heavenward with his finger. "At the end of the day love, you're a woman so don't stick your nose into things you don't understand and just stick to the stuff you know like dialling for take aways and opening your legs'' And with a gangster flick of his wrist and fingers he left her to attack Mr. Darcy, whose reception of his advances she eagerly watched, and whose astonishment at being so addressed was very evident. Her cousin prefaced his speech with a solemn high five, and though she could not hear a word of it, she felt as if hearing it all, and saw in the motion of his lips the words ``apology,'' ``Hunsford,'' and ``Belladonna.'' - It vexed her to see him expose himself to such a man. Mr. Darcy was eyeing him with unrestrained wonder, and when at last Colin allowed him time to speak, replied with an air of distant civility. Colin, however, was not discouraged from speaking again, and Mr. Darcy's contempt seemed abundantly increasing with the length of his second speech, and at the end of it he only made him a slight high five, and moved another way. Colin then returned to Elizabeth.

``That went fucking brilliant,'' said he.

As Elizabeth had no longer any interest of her own to pursue, she turned her attention almost entirely on her sister and Mr. Bingley, and the train of agreeable reflections which her observations gave birth to, made her perhaps almost as happy as Jane. She saw her, in idea, settled in that very house, in all the felicity which lots of maintenance money and true affection could bestow; and she felt capable, under such circumstances, of endeavouring even to like Bingley's two sisters. Her mother's thoughts she plainly saw were bent the same way, and she determined not to venture near her, lest she might hear too much. When they sat down to supper, therefore, she considered it a most unlucky perverseness which placed them within one of each other; and deeply was she vexed to find that her mother was talking to that one person (Lady Lucas) freely, openly, and of nothing else but of her expectation that Jane would be soon be pregnant by Mr. Bingley. - It was an animating subject, and Mrs. Bennet seemed incapable of fatigue while enumerating the advantages of the match. His being such a charming young man, and so rich, and living but three tower blocks from them, were the first points of self-congratulation; and then it was such a comfort to think how fond the two sisters were of Jane, and to be certain that they must desire the connection as much as she could do. It was, moreover, such a promising thing for her younger daughters, as Jane's getting so much maintenance would mean that she could by all her sisters genuine Ugg boots and then throw them in the way of other rich men; and lastly, it was so pleasant at her time of life to be able to consign her single daughters to the care of their sister, that she might not be obliged to go into company more than she liked. It was necessary to make this circumstance a matter of pleasure, because on such occasions it is the etiquette, but no one was less likely than Mrs. Bennet to find comfort in staying at home at any period of her life. She concluded with many good wishes that Lady Lucas might soon be equally fortunate, though evidently and triumphantly believing there was no chance of it.

In vain did Elizabeth endeavour to check the rapidity of her mother's words, or persuade her to describe her felicity in a less audible whisper; for to her inexpressible vexation, she could perceive that the chief of it was overheard by Mr. Darcy, who sat opposite to them. Her mother only scolded her for being nonsensical.

``Tell Darcy to go fuck himself! I ain't scared of him. My brother used to run with the Chelsea headhunters. He reckons he can get an illegal to wack somebody for him for a couple of hundred quid these days since all the government cutbacks.''

``For fuck's sake, mum, speak lower. – Nobody's gonna wack no one. Bingley ain't gonna like you dissing his mate. Think about it. Use you 'ead.''

Nothing that she could say, however, had any influence. Her mother would talk of her views in the same intelligible tone. Elizabeth blushed and blushed again with shame and vexation. She could not help frequently glancing her eye at Mr. Darcy, though every glance convinced her of what she dreaded; for though he was not always looking at her mother, she was convinced that his attention was invariably fixed by her. The expression of his face changed gradually from indignant contempt to a composed and steady gravity.

At length however Mrs. Bennet had no more to say; and Lady Lucas, who had been long yawning at the repetition of delights which she saw no likelihood of sharing, was left to the comforts of cheese and Primula spread. Elizabeth now began to revive. But not long was the interval of tranquillity; for when supper was over, more singing was talked of, and she had the mortification of seeing Mary, after very little entreaty, preparing to oblige the company. By many significant looks and silent entreaties, did she endeavour to prevent such a proof of complaisance, - but in vain; Mary would not understand them; such an opportunity of exhibiting was delightful to her, and she began her song. Elizabeth's eyes were fixed on her with most painful sensations; and she watched her progress through the several stanzas with an impatience which was very ill rewarded at their close; for Mary, on receiving amongst the thanks of the table, the hint of a hope that she might be prevailed on to favour them again, after the pause of half a minute began another. Mary's powers were by no means fitted for such a display; her voice was weak, and her manner affected. - Elizabeth was in agonies. She looked at Jane, to see how she bore it; but Jane was very composedly talking to Bingley. She looked at his two sisters, and saw them making signs of derision at each other, and at Darcy, who continued however impenetrably grave. She looked at her father to entreat his interference, lest Mary should be singing all night. He took the hint, and when Mary had finished her second song, said aloud,

``Put a fucking sock on it.''

Mary, though pretending not to hear, was somewhat disconcerted; and Elizabeth sorry for her, and sorry for her father's speech, was afraid her anxiety had done no good so Elizabeth lobbed the denuded cheese hedgehog at her sister. - Others of the party were now applied to throw whatever came to hand.

To Elizabeth it appeared, that had her family made an agreement to expose themselves as much as they could during the evening, it would have been impossible for them to play their parts with more spirit, or finer success; and happy did she think it for Bingley and her sister that some of the exhibition had escaped his notice, and that his feelings were not of a sort to be much distressed by the folly which he must have witnessed. That his two sisters and Mr. Darcy, however, should have such an opportunity of ridiculing her relations was bad enough, and she could not determine whether the silent contempt of the gentleman, or the insolent smiles of the ladies, were more intolerable.

The rest of the evening brought her little amusement. She was teased by Colin, who continued most perseveringly by her side, and though he could not prevail with her to dance with him again, put it out of her power to dance with others. In vain did she entreat him to stand up with somebody else, and offer to introduce him to any young lady in the room. He assured her that as to dancing, he was perfectly indifferent to it; that his chief object was by delicate attentions to recommend himself to her, and that he should therefore make a point of remaining close to her the whole evening. There was no arguing upon such a project. She owed her greatest relief to her friend Miss Lucas, who often joined them, and good-naturedly engaged Colin's conversation to herself.

She was at least free from the offence of Mr. Darcy's farther notice; though often standing within a very short distance of her, quite disengaged, he never came near enough to speak. She felt it to be the probable consequence of her allusions to Mr. Walid, and rejoiced in it.

The Longbourn Tower party were the last of all the company to depart; and by a manoeuvre of Mrs. Bennet, had to wait for their cabs a quarter of an hour after everybody else was gone, which gave them time to see how heartily they were wished away by some of the family. Mrs. Hurst and her sister scarcely opened their mouths except to complain of fatigue, and were evidently impatient to have the house to themselves. They repulsed every attempt of Mrs. Bennet at conversation, and by so doing, threw a languor over the whole party, which was very little relieved by the long speeches of Colin, who was complimenting Mr. Bingley and his sisters on the elegance of their entertainment, and the hospitality and politeness which had marked their behaviour to their guests. Darcy said nothing at all. Mr. Bennet, in equal silence, was enjoying the scene. Mr. Bingley and Jane were standing together, a little detached from the rest, and talked only to each other. Elizabeth preserved as steady a silence as either Mrs. Hurst or Miss Bingley; and even Lydia was too much fatigued to utter more than the occasional exclamation of ``Fuck me, I'm tired!'' accompanied by a violent yawn.

When at length they arose to take leave, Mrs. Bennet was most pressingly civil in her hope of seeing the whole family soon at Longbourn Tower; and addressed herself particularly to Mr. Bingley, to assure him how happy he would make them by eating a family dinner with them at any time, without the ceremony of a formal invitation. Bingley was all grateful pleasure, and he readily engaged for taking the earliest opportunity of waiting on her, after his return from the west end, whither he was obliged to go the next day for a short time.

Mrs. Bennet was perfectly satisfied; and quitted the flat under the delightful persuasion that, allowing for the necessary preparations of fertility drugs, new lingerie, and lots of packs of condoms with holes pierced through them, she should undoubtedly see her daughter pregnant and settled at Netherfield Tower in the course of three or four months. Of having another daughter married to Colin, she thought with equal certainty, and with considerable, though not equal, pleasure. Elizabeth was the least dear to her of all her children; and though the man and the match were quite good enough for her, the worth of each was eclipsed by Mr. Bingley and Netherfield Tower.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

The next day opened a new scene at Longbourn Tower. Colin made his declaration in form. Having resolved to do it without loss of time, as his leave of absence extended only to the following Saturday, and having no feelings of diffidence to make it distressing to himself even at the moment, he set about it in a very orderly manner, with all the observances which he supposed a regular part of the business. On finding Mrs. Bennet, Elizabeth, and one of the younger girls together soon after breakfast, he addressed the mother in these words,  
``'Scuse me love, I need a word in your daughter's shell like.''

Before Elizabeth had time for anything but a blush of surprise, Mrs. Bennet instantly answered,

``'Course darling! Come on Kitty, we better piss off and leave 'em to it.'' And gathering her Chat magazines together, she was hastening away, when Elizabeth called out,

``Don't leave me alone with him Mum! I fucking hate him! Fuck it, I'm coming with yous two.''

``Stay!'' Commanded Mrs. Bennet and upon Elizabeth's seeming really, with vexed and embarrassed looks, about to escape, she added, ``Don't move! I'm fucking warning you.''

Elizabeth would not oppose such an injunction - and a moment's consideration making her also sensible that it would be wisest to get it over as soon and as quietly as possible, she sat down again, and tried to conceal by incessant employment texting the feelings which were divided between distress and diversion. Mrs. Bennet and Kitty walked off, and as soon as they were gone Colin began.

``I like a woman who resists a little. I like a little... unwillingness, it spices things up in the bedroom, innit. Anyway, what I wanted to say was that as soon as I knew your prettier sister was taken I found myself settling for you. Kiddo, today you have hit the jackpot! I am proposing to marry you.''

The idea of Colin thinking that anybody had hit the jackpot by marrying him made Elizabeth so near laughing that she could not use the short pause he allowed in any attempt to stop him farther, and he continued:

``I know marriage is a bit old fashioned these days but Belladonna is a great believer in the holy state of matrimony. She loves being married and, as you probably know, is currently on husband number 5, Carlos Jose Halapeno Nachos Tierra Del Fuego. So my reasons for marrying are, first, that as a spiritual advisor I think matrimony will bring me closer to God. Secondly, I fancy the pants off you and am convinced that being able to roger you every night will add very greatly to my happiness; and thirdly - which I mentioned earlier, Belladonna has ordered me to get married. Before I left she said, "Colin, you need to fucking get married. Everybody thinks you're fucking gay. Just pick somebody plain and low maintenance. Somebody who knows that I'm centre stage. But make sure she's not a total douche bag because if I'm feeling horny I might need her to make up a threesome with me and Carlos or a V.I.P. or something. So make sure she has good tits. And no, you will not be allowed to watch, you will be slicing up the orange quarters for half time. Anyway, there won't be room what with the camera crew for my show "Living in a Venereal World with Belladonna" in the bedroom and all." So cousin, say hello to your new life as Belladonna's bitch! Who else, but me, could offer you all that? And now nothing remains for me but to give you a kiss (with tongues) and have a quick grope (check the goods before I buy, you feel me?). I think you're proper hot. I don't give a shit that you ain't got no money. I'm gonna get possession of your parents' flat anyway as soon as they pop their clogs. I know your mum as got a few grand of her cleaning money stashed away but I don't mind waiting until after she dies to get my hands on that so don't worry, yeah, I ain't gonna bitch and bellyache about you not having no money, you feel? Anyway, maybe you can get a bit part in "Living in a Venereal World", innit.''

It was absolutely necessary to interrupt him now.

``Whoa!'' she cried. ``Hold your fucking horses! I ain't said I'll have ya yet. And guess what, I ain't gonna. I don't want to fucking marry you. I think you're a fucking twat. Capiche! ''

``Oh, playing it cool are we?'' replied Colin, with a formal wave of the hand, ``Whatever rocks your boat, you little minx! I'll come back and propose again this afternoon to satisfy your little game of modesty,'' said he before closing his eyes, puckering up and leaning in for a kiss.

``Piss off,'' cried Elizabeth, ``This isn't a game. Read my lips. I don't want to marry you. I don't want to live in the shadow of Belladonna and I don't want to jump on her gristly body or freakin Carlos Nachos. I don't do teenagers. In short, I hate you, yeah, so fuck off!''

``We'd have to get divorced if Belladonna didn't like you,'' said Colin very gravely - ``But I can't see that happening. You've got the finest pair of tits in Tower Hamlets.''

``I'll be the fucking judge of that! Now move out the way before I fucking twat you! '' And rising as she thus spoke, she would have quitted the room, had not Colin thus addressed her,

``Go on, have your little game. I know you'll say yes when I next ask. I just hope you're this playful in bed. ''

``Really, Colin,'' cried Elizabeth with some warmth, ``you a fucking stalker, or what? And hello! We're cousins! If we had kids, chances are that they'd turn out manky.''

``I don't care if they are manky.''

``Well, I fucking do! Even if you was gorgeous I ain't gonna marry my cousin. It's fucking gross!''

``Charming!'' cried he, with an air of awkward gallantry; ``and your mum and dad are gonna force you so tough shit, we're getting married.''

To such perseverance in wilful self-deception, Elizabeth would make no reply, and immediately and in silence withdrew; determined, that if he persisted in considering her repeated refusals as flattering encouragement, to apply to her father, whose negative might be uttered in such a manner as must be decisive, and whose behaviour at least could not be mistaken for the affectation and coquetry of an elegant female.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

COLIN was not left long to the silent contemplation of his successful love; for Mrs. Bennet, having dawdled about in the kitchen to watch for the end of the conference, no sooner saw Elizabeth open the door and with quick step pass her towards her bedroom, than she entered the lounge/diner, and congratulated both him and herself in warm terms on the happy prospect of their nearer connection. Colin received and returned these felicitations with equal pleasure, and then proceeded to relate the particulars of their interview, with the result of which he trusted he had every reason to be satisfied, since the refusal which his cousin had steadfastly given him would naturally flow from her bashful modesty and the genuine delicacy of her character.

This information, however, startled Mrs. Bennet; - she would have been glad to be equally satisfied that her daughter had meant to encourage him by protesting against his proposals, but she dared not to believe it, and could not help saying so.

``Don't worry, Colin,'' she added, ``I'm going to have a fucking word with her. Knock some fucking sense into her, you get me? Stupid bitch.''

``But if she's really a stupid bitch,'' cried Colin; ``I don't know if I want her. Belladonna might not approve and how am I going to be happy if I'm stuck with a stupid bitch?''

``Nah, yer misunderstand me,'' said Mrs. Bennet, alarmed. ``Lizzy is only a stupid bitch occasionally. Usually she's lovely. Let me just go and have a chatette with me hubby and we'll sort it all out. Toodle pip! ''

She would not give him time to reply, but hurrying instantly to her husband, called out as she entered the toilet,

``Oi, moosh!, get off the fucking crapper and knock some sense into that bitch daughter of yours. You've gotta make Lizzy marry Colin, 'cos she's saying she ain't gonna, and now he's starting to see what she's really like and saying that he ain't all that fussed."

Mr. Bennet raised his eyes from his Razzler as she entered, and fixed them on her face with a calm unconcern which was not in the least altered by her communication.

`` What the fuck you drivelling on abart?'' said he, when she had finished her speech. ``Can't you see that I'm trying to have a crap?''

``Colin and Lizzy. Lizzy says she ain't gonna marry Colin, and Colin starting to say he ain't gonna marry her neither.''

``Well, what the fuck d'you want me to do about it? ''

``I want you to tell her to fucking marry him.''

``For fuck's sake. I don't need this.''

Mrs. Bennet sprayed some vanilla and ripe peach air freshner, and Miss Elizabeth was summoned to the toilet.

``What the fuck's going on?'' cried her father as she appeared. ``Your muvver's effing and blinding 'cos Colin's asked to marry you. Is it true?'' Elizabeth replied that it was. ``And you mum's doing her fucking nut 'cos you told him to fuck off and die. True?''

``Yeah.''

``Well, your muvver is saying you've got to marry him.''

``Yes, or you can fuck off out this flat.''

``So ye muvver's gonna kick ya out the flat if ya don't marry him and I ain't gonna come and visit you if ya do 'cos I think he's a fucking gay tosser.''

Elizabeth could not but smile at such a conclusion of such a beginning; but Mrs. Bennet, who had persuaded herself that her husband regarded the affair as she wished, was excessively disappointed.

``You said you was gonna make her marry him!''

``Don't tell me what to think,'' replied her husband, ``And now can you all kindly fuck off out the toilet. I've got a turtle's head that won't wait no longer.''

Not yet, however, in spite of her disappointment in her husband, did Mrs. Bennet give up the point. She talked to Elizabeth again and again; coaxed and threatened her by turns. She endeavoured to secure Jane in her interest but Jane with all possible mildness declined interfering; - and Elizabeth, sometimes with real earnestness and sometimes with playful gaiety, replied to her attacks. Though her manner varied, however, her determination never did.

Colin, meanwhile, was meditating in solitude on what had passed. He thought too well of himself to comprehend on what motive his cousin could refuse him; and though his pride was hurt, he suffered in no other way. His regard for her was quite imaginary; and the possibility of her deserving her mother's reproach prevented his feeling any regret.

While the family were in this confusion, Charlotte Lucas came to spend the day with them. She was met in the lounge/diner by Lydia, who, flying to her, cried in a half whisper, ``It's all kicking off here! Colin asked to marry Lizzy and she told him to go fuck himself! ''

Charlotte had hardly time to answer, before they were joined by Kitty, who came to tell the same news, and no sooner had they entered the breakfast-room, where Mrs. Bennet was alone, than she likewise began on the subject, calling on Miss Lucas for her compassion, and entreating her to persuade her friend Lizzy to comply with the wishes of all her family. ``Charlotte do you think you can talk some sense into that arrogant bitch you call a friend,'' she added in a melancholy tone, ``because I tell you there's a fucking conspiracy going on in this house. They're all siding with her. Sod the fact that when my arsehole husband pops his clogs we're all going to be made fucking homeless. It's fucking cruel I tell you. And Lydia's gone and taken the last of my valiums. I may as well just top meself her and now. All I've got to look forward to is sleeping under the Embankment and waiting in line at the soup kitchen. I'd go on the fucking game but who'd pay for this?" she pointed to her sagging deflated breasts and potbelly.

Charlotte's reply was spared by the entrance of Jane and Elizabeth.

``Here she comes,'' continued Mrs. Bennet, ``looking like butter wouldn't melt and her shit don't stink. She don't care about none of us just so long as she has everything her way. But I tell you what, Lady Muck, if you think you can just go on refusing offers of marriage left right and centre then you ain't going to end up with no one, and I ain't going to fucking support you once your dad's dead. I can't fucking afford to keep you in Ugg boots, Britney Spears CDs and Hello magazines. So, that's it, from now on you can fuck off. I have done with you. You can fucking go on the game. See how you like that. I told you in the toilet, that I'm never going to speak to you again, and you will find me as good as my word. I ain't never talking to you again. Never!. Do you hear me? I ain't talking to nobody no more. I'm too fucking old and ill for all this. Kitty pop out to Mrs Long and get me some 10 temazepam and half a quarter of valium. There's a good girl. I'm just going to lie in a darkened room with a flannel on me face, not moving because I'm fucking ill and heartbroken. Do you hear me Lizzy – heartbroken! but because I don't go on about it nobody knows just how much I suffer. Grown men, soldiers even, couldn't handle the amount of pain and suffering I go through. They'd have to be dragged screaming from the battlefield. But that's the way of the world, innit. If you don't complain you don't get no pity.''

Her daughters listened in silence to this effusion, sensible that any attempt to reason with or sooth her would only increase the irritation. She talked on, therefore, without interruption from any of them till they were joined by Colin, who entered with an air more stately than usual, and on perceiving whom, she said to the girls,

``Now, piss off the lot of you, I wanna have a little chatette with Colin.

Elizabeth passed quietly out of the room, Jane and Kitty followed, but Lydia stood her ground, determined to hear all she could; and Charlotte, detained first by the civility of Colin, whose inquiries after herself and all her family were very minute, and then by a little curiosity, satisfied herself with walking to the window and pretending not to hear. In a doleful voice Mrs. Bennet thus began the projected conversation. - ``Oh! Colin!'' -

``Don't even go there,'' replied he, ``I don't want to even talk about it. Don't get me wrong,'' he presently continued, in a voice that marked his displeasure, ``if your daughter don't want to marry me then fair enoughski but then why did she lead me on? She was all over me like a fly round shit at the cheese and wine party? I'm not being funny, and I don't mean no disrespect or nuffing, but your daughter is a total slag and a pricktease. And so saying, I don't know if I could ever truly be happy married to a fucking slag like her so for this reason, and this reason alone, I am formally withdrawing my offer of marriage because quite frankly your daughter Lizzy can fuck off and die. Like I said, I ain't dissing your family or nuffing. Yeah, maybe if you'd tried harder, if you'd threaten to take her Britney Spears CDs away or somefink you might have got her to say yes. But you didn't so really it's all your fucking fault but anyway, don't beat yourselves up over it, yeah. It's just the way the cookie crumbles and I don't need no wife giving me a hard time, you feel me? What if she's this hard work in bed? I don't need that. I've had women gagging for me, wanting me to perform three times a night, you feel? Mind you, they made me pay the full price each time. I thought there'd be a discount, three for two, you feel? But no, so they was all bitches as well. Anyway, I'm sorry, yeah but I don't allow no one to disrespect me. Give me a high five. Respect.''


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

The discussion of Colin's offer was now nearly at an end, and Elizabeth had only to suffer from the uncomfortable feelings necessarily attending it, and occasionally from some peevish allusion of her mother. As for the gentleman himself, his feelings were chiefly expressed, not by embarrassment or dejection, or by trying to avoid her, but by stiffness of manner and resentful silence. He scarcely ever spoke to her, and the assiduous attentions which he had been so sensible of himself, were transferred for the rest of the day to Miss Lucas, whose civility in listening to him, was a seasonable relief to them all, and especially to her friend.

The morrow produced no abatement of Mrs. Bennet's ill humour or ill health. Colin was also in the same state of angry pride. Elizabeth had hoped that his resentment might shorten his visit, but his plan did not appear in the least affected by it. He was always to have gone on Saturday, and to Saturday he still meant to stay.

After breakfast, the girls walked to Meryton Tower, to inquire if Walid were returned, and to lament over his absence from the cheese and wine party. He joined them on their entering the lobby and attended them to their aunt's, where his regret and vexation, and the concern of everybody was well talked over. - To Elizabeth, however, he voluntarily acknowledged that the necessity of his absence had been self imposed.

``I just fort,'' said he, ``it was better not to go 'cos as soon as I set eyes on his ugly moosh I'd wanna deck him. D'ja feel me? Kiss him with ma fist, for real.''

She highly approved his forbearance, and they had leisure for a full discussion of it, and for all the commendation which they civilly bestowed on each other, as Walid and another squaddie walked back with them to Longbourn Tower, and during the walk he particularly attended to her. His accompanying them was a double advantage; she felt all the compliment it offered to herself, and it was most acceptable as an occasion of introducing him to her father and mother.

Soon after their return, Jane received a text; it came from Caroline, and was opened immediately. Elizabeth saw her sister's countenance change as she read it, and saw her dwelling intently on some particular passages. Jane recollected herself soon, and putting away her phone, tried to join with her usual cheerfulness in the general conversation; but Elizabeth felt an anxiety on the subject which drew off her attention even from Walid; and no sooner had he and his companion taken leave, than a glance from Jane invited her to follow her. When they had gained their own room, Jane taking out her phone, said,

``Take a gander at this, it's from Caroline. Them lot have gone and left Netherfield Tower and have fucked off back to the west end. I can't fucking believe it. I was that close to shagging him. He was well gagging for it.''

She then read the first sentence aloud, which comprised the information of their having just resolved to follow their brother to the west end directly, and of their meaning to dine that day in Grosvenor street, where Mr. Hurst had a house. The next was in these words. ``I'll miss ya babe but everyfink else in Tower Hamlets was fucking rank. Anyway, hope we can see each other again at some point but until then text me, yeah. L8TRS." To these high flown expressions, Elizabeth listened with all the insensibility of distrust; and though the suddenness of their removal surprised her, she saw nothing in it really to lament; it was not to be supposed that their absence from Netherfield would prevent Mr. Bingley's being there; and as to the loss of their society, she was persuaded that Jane must soon cease to regard it, in the enjoyment of his.

``So?'' said she, after a short pause, ``fucking chillax, yeah. So what, she ain't around no more. That ain't gonna stop her bruvver from seeing ya and just think how much you can rub the snooty cow's nose in it when you tell her she's gonna be an aunt!''

``Nah, she says none of them are coming back to the flat, listen... ''

``We ain't coming back 2 Poxy Netherfield Tower no more. We r all moving back 2 the west end 'cos we all reckon that Tower Hamlets is a total shit hole (apart from u r alright lol). Anyway, hope u can come and visit and we can have Nandos or somefink. Anyway, have a good Christmas, yeah. Get pissed and shag a few blokes then u won't miss us so much lol."

``So Bingley,'' added Jane, ``ain't coming back this winter.''

``Nah, he will, it's just that his piece of shit sister don't want him to.''

``I fucking hope you're right. I can't wait all Winter to shag him. I'm bloody gagging for it! But listen to this. This is a real fucking kick in the nuts.'' ``We're gonna hang with Darcy's sister, Georgie. She is really fucking lush. I mean I'm straight but I would, u hear what I'm saying. She makes Angeline Joely look like Bet Lynch. I mean it, she's fucking gorgeous, got really natural looking fake tits, all her clothes are from the Victoria Backham collection, she's never seen out of her sky high Louboutins and she's well accomplished, her design for a queening table is absolutely stonking. Anyway, my brother can't keep his eyes off her epic tits (he hasn't got as far as her face yet) so fingers crossed Georgie will soon be my sister and then I can borrow her Louboutins, u feel?"

"Just 'cos I ain't got no Louboutins and have to buy my shoes from New Look, she's basically telling me to fuck off'' - said Jane as she finished it.

``Nah, she's just freakin', yeah, 'cos she can see that her bruvver is well into you so she's just trying to mash it up, d'ya feel?''

Jane shook her head.

``What, you callin' me a liar? You disrespecting me? No one who ever seen you together wiv your tongues down each other's throats, can doubt that he's well into you. Caroline, knows this, yeah and she's flippin' out, yeah 'cos really what she want is to shag Darcy, yeah. So she finks if she can gether bruvver to shag Georgie then it'll be easier for her to shag Darcy, you feel? But who cares anyway 'cos he's gotta end up with Vatican at the end of the anyway, none of this matters, yeah, 'cos men vote with their dicks and Bingley's dick ain't saluting nobody but you.''

``That fucking bitch,'' replied Jane, ``If she ever comes but to Tower Hamlets I'm gonna fucking bitch slap her arse all the way back to the west end.''

``That is right. - You could not have started a more happy slapping idea! I'll join in and twat her stuck up, boring bitch of a sister 'an all."

``But, say if Bingley wants to be with me, yeah. How am I going to be happy if he's moaning on about how I shouldn't have happy slapped his sister and she's constantly going on about what a bitch I am. You feel?''

``Decide for yourself, innit'' said Elizabeth, ``if you get sick of hearing them moaning just fretten to kick their fucking teef in, that'll she 'em up. Unless you'd rather listen to their fucking bullshit all day.''

``How can you even fucking think that?'' - said Jane faintly smiling, - ``You must know that even though I'd be fucking pissed off with them, I would not hesitate to shag Bingley.''

``I didn't think you would; so just fucking chillax, yeah.''

``He just better fucking come back this Winter because I can't be affording a fucking zone 1 travel card every time I want to ride his sweet arse. And I ain't waiting six months for a fucking shag!''

The idea of his returning no more Elizabeth treated with the utmost contempt. It appeared to her merely the suggestion of Caroline's interested wishes, and she could not for a moment suppose that those wishes, however openly or artfully spoken, could influence a young man so totally independent of every one.

She represented to her sister as forcibly as possible what she felt on the subject, and had soon the pleasure of seeing its happy effect. Jane's temper was not desponding, and she was gradually led to hope, though the diffidence of affection sometimes overcame the hope, that Bingley would return to Netherfield Tower and answer every wish of her heart.

They agreed that Mrs. Bennet should only hear of the departure of the family, without being alarmed on the score of the gentleman's conduct; but even this partial communication gave her a great deal of concern, and she bewailed it as exceedingly unlucky that the ladies should happen to go away, just as they were all getting so intimate together. After lamenting it however at some length, she had the consolation of thinking that Mr. Bingley would be soon down again and soon dining at Longbourn Tower, and the conclusion of all was the comfortable declaration that, though he had been invited only to a family dinner, she would take care to have two different types of take away on the table.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

The Bennets were engaged to dine with the Lucases, and again during the chief of the day, was Miss Lucas so kind as to listen to Colin. Elizabeth took an opportunity of thanking her. ``Cheers Charlotte,'' said she, ``thank fuck you're keeping him out of my hair!'' Charlotte assured her friend of her satisfaction in being useful, and that it amply repaid her for the little sacrifice of her time. This was very amiable, but Charlotte's kindness extended farther than Elizabeth had any conception of; - its object was nothing less than to secure her from any return of Colin's addresses, by engaging them towards herself. Such was Miss Lucas's scheme; and appearances were so favourable that when they parted at night, she would have felt almost sure of success if he had not been to leave Hertfordshire so very soon. But here, she did injustice to the fire and independence of his character, for it led him to escape out of the Bennet's flat the next morning with admirable slyness, and hasten to Lucas Lodge to throw himself at her feet. He was anxious to avoid the notice of his cousins, from a conviction that if they saw him depart, they could not fail to conjecture his design, and he was not willing to have the attempt known till its success could be known likewise; for though feeling almost secure, and with reason, for Charlotte had been tolerably encouraging, he was comparatively diffident since the adventure of Wednesday. His reception however was of the most flattering kind. Miss Lucas perceived him on in the stairwell as he walked towards her flat, and instantly set out to meet him accidentally on the stairs. But little had she dared to hope that so much love and eloquence awaited her there.

In as short a time as Colin's long speeches would allow, everything was settled between them to the satisfaction of both; and as they entered the flat, he earnestly entreated her to name the day that was to make him the happiest of men; and though such a solicitation must be waved for the present, the lady felt no inclination to trifle with his happiness. The stupidity with which he was favoured by nature must guard his courtship from any charm that could make a woman wish for its continuance; and Miss Lucas, who accepted him solely from the pure and disinterested desire of an establishment, cared not how soon that establishment were gained.

Willie and 'Lady' Lucas were speedily applied to for their consent; and it was bestowed with a most joyful alacrity. Colin's present circumstances made it a most eligible match for their daughter, to whom they could give little fortune; and his prospects of future wealth were exceedingly fair. Lady Lucas began directly to calculate with more interest than the matter had ever excited before, how many years longer Mr. Bennet was likely to live; and Willie gave it as his decided opinion that whenever Colin should be in possession of the Bennet's flat, it would be highly expedient that both he and his wife should make their appearance at the next Tower Hamlets council meeting. The whole family, in short, were properly overjoyed on the occasion. The younger girls formed hopes of going on the pill a year or two sooner than they might otherwise have done; and the boys were relieved from their apprehension of Charlotte's dying an old maid. Charlotte herself was tolerably composed. She had gained her point, and had time to consider of it. Her reflections were in general satisfactory. Colin to be sure was neither sensible nor agreeable; his society was irksome, and his attachment to her must be imaginary. But still, he would be her husband. - Without thinking highly either of men or of matrimony, marriage had always been her object; it was the only honourable provision for well-educated young women of small fortune who's sexual preference were women, and however uncertain of giving happiness, must be their pleasantest preservative from want and actually having to get a job and work for a living. This preservative she had now obtained; and at the age of twenty-seven, without having ever been handsome, she felt all the good luck of it. The least agreeable circumstance in the business was the surprise it must occasion to Elizabeth Bennet, whose friendship she valued beyond that of any other person. Charlotte had loved and desired Elizabeth for a as long as she could remember but, although Elizabeth was extremely fond of her, she had always made it crystal clear to Charlotte that she was not a "carpet muncher". But as far as the marriage was concerned, Elizabeth would wonder, and probably would blame her; and though her resolution was not to be shaken, her feelings must be hurt by such disapprobation. She resolved to give her the information herself, and therefore charged Colin, when he returned to the Bennets for dinner, to drop no hint of what had passed before any of the family. A promise of secrecy was of course very dutifully given, but it could not be kept without difficulty; for the curiosity excited by his long absence burst forth in such very direct questions on his return, as required some ingenuity to evade, and he was at the same time exercising great self-denial, for he was longing to publish his prosperous love.

As he was to begin his journey too early on the morrow to see any of the family, the ceremony of leave-taking was performed when the ladies moved for the night; and Mrs. Bennet, with great politeness and cordiality, said how happy they should be to see him at Longbourn Tower again, whenever his other engagements might allow him to visit them.

``I'll be back,'' he replied, ``as soon as possible.''

They were all astonished; and Mr. Bennet, who could by no means wish for so speedy a return, immediately said,

``But wot abart Belladonna? Ain't she gonna get pissed off with you always being away and that? Neglecting her spiritual needs and such like.''

``Chillax,'' replied Colin, ``I'll just ask her before I come, innit.''

``Yeah, but she might pretend not to be offended but really she will be and then you'll be out on your arse, know what I mean? It ain't worf it mate. Stay at home mate, I would. We won't be offended, will we?"

``Nah, it'll be fine. Trust me. You can all look forward to seeing me back soon. Now I better kiss me cousin's goodbye. No tongues mind, I'm veering towards Hinduism today and they ain't allowed to do that sort of fing, you feel. Come on Elizabeth, pucker up, you're first."

With proper civilities the ladies made valiant attempts to avoid Colin's probing tongue and then withdrew; all of them equally surprised to find that he meditated a quick return. Mrs. Bennet wished to understand by it that he thought of paying his addresses to one of her younger girls, and Mary might have been prevailed on to accept him. She rated his abilities much higher than any of the others; there was a solidity in his reflections which often struck her, and though by no means so clever as herself, she thought that if encouraged to read and improve himself by such an example as her's, he might become a very agreeable companion. But on the following morning, every hope of this kind was done away. Miss Lucas called soon after breakfast, and in a private conference with Elizabeth related the event of the day before.

The possibility of Colin's fancying himself in love with her friend had once occurred to Elizabeth within the last day or two; but that Charlotte could encourage him, seemed almost as far from possibility as that she could encourage him herself, and her astonishment was consequently so great as to overcome at first the bounds of decorum, and she could not help crying out,

``Engaged to Colin! Fuck me!''

The steady countenance which Miss Lucas had commanded in telling her story, gave way to a momentary confusion here on receiving so direct a reproach; though, as it was no more than she expected, she soon regained her composure, and calmly replied,

``Why you so surprised? – Just because I'm a lezzer and he's a wanker don't mean that we ain't gonna be happy.''

But Elizabeth had now recollected herself, and making a strong effort for it, was able to assure her with tolerable firmness that the prospect of their relationship was highly grateful to her, and that she wished her all imaginable happiness.

``OK, so you're shocked,'' replied Charlotte, - ``but at the end of the day it's either this or try and get a job because you know they've been threatening to cut my benefits for ages. I know he's a fucking arse and that I drink from the fury cup but at the end of the day if it means that I've got a roof over my head and I don't have to work for a living then it's gotta be good. Just by looking at him you know the sex is gonna be crap but if we do it doggy style I won't have to look at his ugly mug and can just pretend it's some fit woman prodding me from behind with a dildo. And he's said that I can hire an illegal to do the housework so I'll make sure she's pretty and willing and open minded.''

Elizabeth quietly answered ``Nice one;'' - and after an awkward pause, they returned to the rest of the family. Charlotte did not stay much longer, and Elizabeth was then left to reflect on what she had heard. It was a long time before she became at all reconciled to the idea of so unsuitable a match. The strangeness of Colin's making two offers of marriage within three days, was nothing in comparison of his being now accepted. She had always felt that Charlotte's opinion of matrimony was not exactly like her own, but she could not have supposed it possible that, when called into action, she would have sacrificed every better feeling to worldly advantage. Charlotte the wife of Colin, was a most humiliating picture! - And to the pang of a friend disgracing herself and sunk in her esteem, was added the distressing conviction that it was impossible for that friend to be tolerably happy in the lot she had chosen.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

ELIZABETH was sitting with her mother and sisters, reflecting on what she had heard, and doubting whether she were authorised to mention it, when Willie Lucas himself appeared, sent by his daughter to announce her engagement to the family. With many compliments to them, and much self-congratulation on the prospect of a connection between the houses, he unfolded the matter, - to an audience not merely wondering, but incredulous; for Mrs. Bennet, with more perseverance than politeness, protested he must be entirely mistaken, and Lydia, always unguarded and often uncivil, boisterously exclaimed,  
``Fuck off! Colin wants to marry Lizzy.''

Nothing less than the complaisance of a courtier could have borne without anger such treatment; but Willie's good breeding carried him through it all; and though he begged leave to be positive as to the truth of his information, he listened to all their impertinence with the most forbearing courtesy.

Elizabeth, feeling it incumbent on her to relieve him from so unpleasant a situation, now put herself forward to confirm his account, by mentioning her prior knowledge of it from Charlotte herself; and endeavoured to put a stop to the exclamations of her mother and sisters, by the earnestness of her congratulations to Willie, in which she was readily joined by Jane, and by making a variety of remarks on the happiness that might be expected from the match, the excellent character of Colin, and the convenient distance of Hunsford from London.

Mrs. Bennet was in fact too much overpowered to say a great deal while Willie remained; but no sooner had he left them than her feelings found a rapid vent. In the first place, she persisted in disbelieving the whole of the matter; secondly, she was very sure that Colin had been taken in; thirdly, she trusted that they would never be happy together; and fourthly, that the match might be broken off. Two inferences, however, were plainly deduced from the whole; one, that Elizabeth was the real cause of all the mischief; and the other, that she herself had been barbarously used by them all; and on these two points she principally dwelt during the rest of the day. Nothing could console and nothing appease her. - Nor did that day wear out her resentment. A week elapsed before she could see Elizabeth without scolding her, a month passed away before she could speak to Willie or Lady without being rude, and many months were gone before she could at all forgive their daughter.

Mr. Bennet's emotions were much more tranquil on the occasion, and such as he did experience he pronounced to be of a most agreeable sort; for it made him laugh, he said, to discover that Charlotte Lucas, whom he had been used to thinking was a dike, was going to marry somebody who had had a charisma by-pass like Colin.

Jane confessed herself a little surprised at the match; but she said less of her astonishment than of her earnest desire for their happiness; nor could Elizabeth persuade her to consider it as improbable. Kitty and Lydia were far from envying Miss Lucas, for Colin was only a clergyman; and it affected them in no other way than as a piece of news to spread around Meryton Tower.

Lady Lucas could not be insensible of triumph on being able to retort on Mrs. Bennet the comfort of having a daughter well married; and she called at the Bennet's flat rather oftener than usual to say how happy she was, though Mrs. Bennet's sour looks and ill-natured remarks might have been enough to drive happiness away.

Between Elizabeth and Charlotte there was a restraint which kept them mutually silent on the subject; and Elizabeth felt persuaded that no real confidence could ever subsist between them again. Her disappointment in Charlotte made her turn with fonder regard to her sister, of whose rectitude and delicacy she was sure her opinion could never be shaken, and for whose happiness she grew daily more anxious, as Bingley had now been gone a week, and nothing was heard of his return.

Jane had sent Caroline an early answer to her text, and was counting the days till she might reasonably hope to hear again. The promised email of thanks from Colin arrived on Tuesday, addressed to their father, and written with all the solemnity of gratitude which a twelvemonth's abode in the family flat might have prompted. After discharging his conscience on that head, he proceeded to inform them, with many rapturous expressions, of his happiness in having obtained the affection of their amiable neighbour, Miss Lucas, and then explained that it was merely with the view of enjoying her society that he had been so ready to close with their kind wish of seeing him again at Longbourn Tower, whither he hoped to be able to return on Monday fortnight; for Belladonna, he added, so heartily approved his marriage, that she wished it to take place as soon as possible, which he trusted would be an unanswerable argument with his amiable Charlotte to name an early day for making him the happiest of men.

Colin's return into Hertfordshire was no longer a matter of pleasure to Mrs. Bennet. On the contrary, she was as much disposed to complain of it as her husband. - It was very strange that he should come to their flat instead of to the Lucas's; it was also very inconvenient and exceedingly troublesome. - She hated having visitors in the house while her health was so indifferent, and lovers were of all people the most disagreeable and expensive to keep in fresh bed linen. Such were the gentle murmurs of Mrs. Bennet, and they gave way only to the greater distress of Mr. Bingley's continued absence.

Neither Jane nor Elizabeth were comfortable on this subject. Day after day passed away without bringing any other tidings of him than the report which shortly prevailed in Meryton Tower of his coming no more to Netherfield Tower the whole winter; a report which highly incensed Mrs. Bennet, and which she never failed to contradict as a most scandalous falsehood.

Even Elizabeth began to fear - not that Bingley was indifferent - but that his sisters would be successful in keeping him away. Unwilling as she was to admit an idea so destructive of Jane's happiness, and so dishonourable to the stability of her lover, she could not prevent its frequently recurring. The united efforts of his two unfeeling sisters and of his overpowering friend, assisted by the attractions of Miss Darcy and the amusements of the west end, might be too much, she feared, for the strength of his attachment.

As for Jane, her anxiety under this suspense was, of course, more painful than Elizabeth's; but whatever she felt she was desirous of concealing, and between herself and Elizabeth, therefore, the subject was never alluded to. But as no such delicacy restrained her mother, an hour seldom passed in which she did not talk of Bingley, express her impatience for his arrival, or even require Jane to confess that if he did not come back, she should think herself very ill used. It needed all Jane's steady mildness to bear these attacks with tolerable tranquillity.

Colin returned most punctually on the Monday fortnight, but his reception at Longbourn Tower was not quite so gracious as it had been on his first introduction. He was too happy, however, to need much attention; and luckily for the others, the business of love-making relieved them from a great deal of his company. The chief of every day was spent by him at Asda buying family packs of condoms and then he walked up to the Lucas's flat, and he sometimes returned to the Bennets only in time to make an apology for his absence and to ask for a bowl of ice water in which to bath his John Thomas before the family went to bed.

Mrs. Bennet was really in a most pitiable state. The very mention of anything concerning the match threw her into an agony of ill humour, and wherever she went she was sure of hearing it talked of. The sight of Miss Lucas was odious to her. As her successor in that flat, she regarded her with jealous abhorrence. Whenever Charlotte came to see them she concluded her to be anticipating the hour of possession; and whenever she spoke in a low voice to Colin, was convinced that they were talking of the when the Bennet flat would be theirs, and resolving to turn herself and her daughters out of the flat as soon as Mr. Bennet were dead. She complained bitterly of all this to her husband.

``I can't be doing with that fucking Charlotte Lucas no more,'' said she, ``she is proper getting on my tits. Fuck knows what she's going to do with to this flat once you're dead and buried. Probably fill it with illegals and make a tidy profit.''

``Chillax. Look on the bright side, hopefully you'll die before me.''

This was not very consoling to Mrs. Bennet, and, therefore, instead of making any answer, she went on as before,

``Well, she ain't having none of the furniture. Sod that. I don't care if we're homeless. We'll wheel the furniture around in shopping trollies and strap a mattress to each of our backs.''

``Sounds like a plan. Could come in handy.''

``How d'ya mean?''

``Well, if you're all reduced to joining the oldest profession in the world...''

``Fuck you! Anyway, at least that way I'd get some action. I ain't had nothing out of you since two years ago and even then you passed out half way through so I had to continue by strapping your dick to a toothbrush with a Band-Aid."

"Yeah, but be fair, I woke up screaming when you woz pulling the Band-Aid orf. But I didn't know abart the toofbrush until later. I just fort you'd used it to descale Friday's fish. It still tastes a bit musty."


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

MISS Bingley's text arrived, and put an end to doubt. The very first sentence conveyed the assurance of their being all settled in the west end for the winter, and concluded with her brother's regret at not having had time to pay his respects to his friends in Tower Hamlets before he left the borough.  
Hope was over, entirely over; and when Jane could attend to the rest of the letter, she found little, except the professed affection of the writer, that could give her any comfort. Miss Darcy's praise occupied the chief of it. Her epic tits were again dwelt on, and Caroline boasted joyfully of their increasing intimacy and her fervent hope that she would so be party to some girl on girl action with Georgie and get to feel those natural looking fake tits for herself and perhaps even wheedle the name of her plastic surgeon out of her, and Caroline also ventured to predict the accomplishment of the wishes which had been unfolded in her former letter. She wrote also with great pleasure of her brother's being an inmate of Mr. Darcy's house, and mentioned with raptures some plans of the latter with regard to a new queening table. Elizabeth, to whom Jane very soon communicated the chief of all this, heard it in silent indignation. Her heart was divided between concern for her sister, resentment against all the others and a very great curiosity to know the name of Georgie's plastic surgeon and a desire to know if he took payment on instalments, like her catalogues. To Caroline's assertion of her brother's being partial to Miss Darcy she paid no credit. That he was really fond of Jane, she doubted no more than she had ever done; and much as she had always been disposed to like him, she could not think without anger, hardly without contempt, on that easiness of temper, that want of proper resolution which now made him the slave of his designing friends, and led him to sacrifice his own happiness to the caprice of their inclinations. Had his own happiness, however, been the only sacrifice, he might have been allowed to sport with it in whatever manner he thought best; but her sister's was involved in it, as, she thought, he must be sensible himself. It was a subject, in short, on which reflection would be long indulged, and must be unavailing. She could think of nothing else, and yet whether Bingley's regard had really died away, or were suppressed by his friends' interference; whether he had been aware of Jane's attachment, or whether it had escaped his observation; whichever were the case, though her opinion of him must be materially affected by the difference and she certainly wouldn't be indulging in any threesomes with him later down the line, her sister's situation remained the same, her peace equally wounded.

A day or two passed before Jane had courage to speak of her feelings to Elizabeth; but at last on Mrs. Bennet's leaving them together, after a longer irritation than usual about Netherfield Tower and its master, she could not help saying,

``I just wish mum would shut the fuck up! The amount she drones on about him anyone would think it was her that wanted to shag him, not me. I just wanna forget the little fucker, know what I mean?''

Elizabeth looked at her sister with incredulous solicitude, but said nothing.

``You fucking doubting me?'' cried Jane, slightly colouring; ``You disrespecting me? He'll just live in my memory as the shag that never was. That's all. I just need to get pissed down our local and shag a few geezers and I'll be right as rain. I'll be like 'Bingley who?' "

With a stronger voice she soon added, ``I've this comfort immediately, when he was off his head on ecstasy at the rave I managed to nick his watch." She dangled a Tag Heuer in front of Lizzy's face.''

``Fuck me, Jane!'' exclaimed Elizabeth, ``you are too good. Your sweetness and innocent looking face are really angelic so much so that you can get away with fucking murder; I don't know what to say to you. I feel as if I never done you justice, or loved you as you deserve. You've got the makings of a fucking top dipper. You put Lydia in the shade, you do.''

Miss Bennet eagerly disclaimed all extraordinary merit, and threw back the praise on her sister's warm affection.

``Nah,'' said Elizabeth, ``this is fucking brilliant! Will you dip a credit card for me? Don't be afraid of my running up to much excess, I'll just use it to pay for tickets to Britney concerts. I've shagged a lot of blokes, and a few girls, come to fink of it, but only when I was well pissed up, just having a laugh with Charlotte, you know what I mean? I ain't a lesbo or nuffink. Anyway, like I said, I've shagged loads yeah, but there are few people who I really love, and still fewer who I think are the dog's bollocks. The more I see of Tower Hamlets, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief that it's a shit hole and that most people are arseholes.''

``Fuck me Lizzy, chillax yeah otherwise you're gonna get frown lines, innit. If ya talkin' 'bout Charlotte and Colin don't worry about it cos he'll be happy 'cos she's got a proper nice pair of bristles and she'll be well happy cos he's got a kicking crib, innit. And now she don't have to work or nuffink.''

``I'd rather live in a fucking tent that marry that ugly piece of shit. Living in a would be cool. It would be like Glastonbury all year round.''

``Now you're talking shit. And don't call Bingley an arsehole. Only I'm allowed to do that. It's my fault. The night of his party he took me round the wheelie bins and stuck his dick in my face. I of course obliged. My fringe was starting to fall a bit flat so I needed the hair gel anyway. I thought it meant he liked me but I just read too much into the situation.''

``I hope you used a dental dam.''

``No, but I did floss afterwards.''

``Oh, that's OK then. Don't get me wrong, I ain't saying that he planned it all yeah. He was just most probably putting the rubbish out and just felt like a blowie at the same time but after you came back in your fringe looked well fucked up and I can't fucking stand thoughtlessness and not paying proper attention to other people's fringes. Specially at a fucking cheese and wine party, innit.''

``Was it sticking up too much?''

``Yes. And his sisters was well laughing at you."

``You reckon they said 'don't marry her cos she got a sticky up fringe'?.''

``Yeah, 'course. And his friend would have had a go an' orl.''

``I can't believe it. Why would they try to influence him? They should wish for his happiness, and if he wants to shag me, no other woman's punani is going to cut the mustard.''

``First off, they don't give a shit about his happiness, yeah. They just want him to move to the west end and marry someone who don't live in a council flat and has got her own car and plastic surgeon everything. What you're dealing with there is two fucking wag wannabes."

``Look, I know they want him to marry Georgie 'cos she's got epic tits and everything,'' replied Jane; ``but if he really wanted to shag me then they wouldn't be able to stop him. No, it was just a one off behind the wheelie bins. Let me take it in the best light, and let's just fucking leave it at that.''

Elizabeth could not oppose such a wish; and from this time Mr. Bingley's name was scarcely ever mentioned between them.

Mrs. Bennet still continued to wonder and repine at his returning no more, and though a day seldom passed in which Elizabeth did not account for it clearly, there seemed little chance of her ever considering it with less perplexity. Her daughter endeavoured to convince her of what she did not believe herself, that his attentions to Jane had been merely the effect of a common and transient liking, which ceased after he'd released himself behind the wheelie bins; but though the probability of the statement was admitted at the time, she had the same story to repeat every day. Mrs. Bennet's best comfort was that Mr. Bingley must go down on Jane in the summer.

Mr. Bennet treated the matter differently. ``So, Lizzy,'' said he one day, ``your sister gave Bingley one behind the wheelie bins. I congratulate her. Next to being married, a girl likes to give a guy one behind the wheelie bins now and then. Gives then something to think of, and gives her a sort of badge of honour among her mates. When's your turn? You can't let yourself be outdone by Jane. Everybody will call you a wuz. Now is your time. There are squaddies enough at Meryton Tower to jiz all the young ladies in Tower Hamlets. Let Wickham be your man. He is a pleasant fellow who, I believe, changes his underwear regularly, and would jiz over you creditably.''

``Thank you, but I've just had my hair straightened and extensions put it so nobody ain't jizzing anywhere near my fucking hair. It they do, they deserve a kick in the nuts.''

``True,'' said Mr. Bennet, ``but least it's a comfort to think that, whatever crappy thing happens to you you, you know your fucking mother is gonna bleat on about it until the end of time.''

Mr. Wickham's society was of material service in dispelling the gloom, which the late perverse occurrences had thrown on many of the Bennet family. They saw him often, and to his other recommendations was now added that of general unreserve. The whole of what Elizabeth had already heard, his claims on Mr. Darcy, and all that he had suffered from him, was now openly acknowledged and publicly canvassed; and everybody was pleased to think how much they had always disliked Mr. Darcy before they had known anything of the matter.

Miss Bennet was the only creature who could suppose there might be any extenuating circumstances in the case, unknown to the society of Hertfordshire; her mild and steady candour always pleaded for allowances, and urged the possibility of mistakes - but by everybody else Mr. Darcy was condemned as the worst of men – big car/small dick.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

AFTER a week spent in professions of love and schemes of felicity, Colin was called from his amiable Charlotte by the arrival of Saturday. The pain of separation, however, might be alleviated on his side, by preparations for the reception of his bride, as he had reason to hope that shortly after his next return into Hertfordshire, the day would be fixed that was to make him the happiest of men. He took leave of his relations at Longbourn Tower with as much solemnity as before; wished his fair cousins health and happiness again, and promised their father another letter of thanks.

On the following Monday, Mrs. Bennet had the pleasure of receiving her brother and his wife, who came as usual to spend the Christmas at Longbourn Tower. Mr. Gardiner was a sensible, gentlemanlike man, greatly superior to his sister, as well by nature as education. The Netherfield Tower ladies would have had difficulty in believing that a man who lived by selling second hand cars, and within view of his own garage, could have been so well bred and agreeable. Mrs. Gardiner, who was several years younger than Mrs. Bennet and Mrs. Philips, was an amiable, intelligent, elegant woman, and a great favourite with all her Longbourn Tower nieces. Between the two eldest and herself especially, there subsisted a very particular regard. They had frequently been staying with her in Gracechurch Street.

The first part of Mrs. Gardiner's business on her arrival, was to distribute her presents and describe the newest fashions. When this was done, she had a less active part to play. It became her turn to listen. Mrs. Bennet had many grievances to relate, and much to complain of. They had all been very ill-used since she last saw her sister. Two of her girls had been on the point of getting pregnant, and after all there was nothing in it.

``Jane ain't to blame,'' she continued, ``for Jane would have trapped Bingley, if she could. But, Lizzy! Oh, sister! She is just a perverse little bitch. She should be married to Colin by now but oh no, she told him to fuck off so now we're all fucked. Homeless as soon as that useless piece of shit that I have to call husband dies. And now old Lady upstairs is lording it over me just because she's managed to get that butch eldest daughter of hers off her hands and I'm sure she comes down here to have a cup of tea just so that she can plan what she's gonna do with this flat after Bennet is dead. Them Lucases are all out for what they can get. I'm on the verge of another fucking nervous breakdown, I don't mind telling you. Not that anybody gives a shit. But anyway it's good to have you to stay and it's a relief to hear that Kate Middleton has lowered her hem lines 'cos her knees put me off me dinner. You don't happen to have any valium on you, do you? ''

Mrs. Gardiner, to whom the chief of this news had been given before, in the course of Jane and Elizabeth's correspondence with her, made her sister a slight answer, and, in compassion to her nieces, turned the conversation.

When alone with Elizabeth afterwards, she spoke more on the subject. ``Innit a shame about Jane and that Bingley bloke. Sounds like she would have been quids in if she could have got pregnant by him.'' said she. ``Pain in the arse that it didn't work out. But these things happen so often! A young bloke like Bingley, can fall in love so easily after being blown behind the wheelie bins a few times but when he has to be a bunk from the rossers he soon forgets and is soon getting blown behind some other wheelie bin in some other town by some other girl. I think Jane should come and visit me and I'll try and get her a job at the lap dancing club where I used to work before I met your mum's brovver. There's lots of loaded men go there and even if she don't meet no one steady she can still make a packet by doing extras after hours.''

``An excellent consolation in its way,'' said Elizabeth, ``but I'm still pissed off that he done a bunk 'cos he was well into Jane. It's 'cos his sisters and mate hated us because they reckoned we was pikies. ''

``But that expression of "he was well into Jane" is so hackneyed, so doubtful, so you mean it? Was he really gagging for it?''

``I never saw a more promising bulge in anybody's jeans. He didn't take no notice of no one when he was talking to her. He was totally engrossed by her cleavage. Every time they met, it was more obvious. At his own cheese and wine party he offended two or three girls by not asking them to show him their tits, and I spoke to him twice myself without receiving an answer 'cos he couldn't take his eyes of Jane's tits. Basically, he was being a rude bastard so obviously it was love, yeah.

``Just sounds like he wanted a tit wank. Poor Jane, all that time spent flaunting her tits and she didn't even get a shag. She's not the type to get over it quick, like. Should have been you Lizzy. You would have waited so long and then just taken matters into your own hands even if it meant spiking his drink with a cocktail of rohypnol and viagra. I reckon the best thing is for Jane to come back with us. Change of scene and all that and she can earn some pocket money and meet some new blokes if I manage to get her a job at Spearmint Rhino.

Elizabeth was exceedingly pleased with this proposal, and felt persuaded of her sister's ready acquiescence.

``I hope,'' added Mrs. Gardiner, ``that she ain't gonna bank on meeting that Bingley fella while she's with us 'cos we ain't gonna bump into him in Cheapside. But having said that we have got some nice shops now but still nowhere really decent to fucking eat. Unless he makes the effort to come and visit. Our Marks is nice and never too crowded and a TKMaxx has opened up opposite and we've got a small house of Fraser. If he wants to eat then there's the McDonalds on Cannon Street."

``Nah, he ain't gonna visit. His mate Darcy will see to that. I'm sure they don't venture outside of the WC1 postcode without a tetanus jab and a taser. Darcy won't come so nor will Bingley. They're right fucking bum chums. That Bingley needs to grow a pair."

``Good, so they ain't gonna meet but don't Jane text his sister? What if she wants to come round and have a girly afternoon of painting leopard spots on her nails and shit?''

``Nah, she won't.''

But in spite of the certainty in which Elizabeth affected to place this point, as well as the still more interesting one of Bingley's being withheld from seeing Jane, she felt a solicitude on the subject which convinced her, on examination, that she did not consider it entirely hopeless. It was possible, and sometimes she thought it probable, that his affection might be re-animated, and the influence of his friends successfully combated by the more natural influence of Jane's attractions.

Miss Bennet accepted her aunt's invitation with pleasure; and the Bingleys were no otherwise in her thoughts at the time, than as she hoped that, by Caroline's not living in the same house with her brother, she might occasionally spend a morning with her, without any danger of seeing him.

The Gardiners stayed a week at Longbourn Tower; and what with the Philipses, the Lucases, and the officers, there was not a day without its engagement. Mrs. Bennet had so carefully provided for the entertainment of her brother and sister, that they did not once sit down to a home cooked dinner. When the engagement was for home, some of the officers always made part of it, of which officers Walid was sure to be one; and on these occasions, Mrs. Gardiner, rendered suspicious by Elizabeth's warm commendation of him, narrowly observed them both. Without supposing them, from what she saw, to be very seriously in love, their preference of each other was plain enough to make her a little uneasy; and she resolved to speak to Elizabeth on the subject before she left Hertfordshire, and represent to her the imprudence of encouraging such an attachment.

To Mrs. Gardiner, Walid had one means of affording pleasure, unconnected with his general powers. About ten or a dozen years ago, before her marriage, she had spent a considerable time in that very part of Derbyshire to which he belonged. They had, therefore, many acquaintance in common; and, though Walid had been little there since the death of Darcy's father, five years before, it was yet in his power to give her fresher intelligence of her former friends, than she had been in the way of procuring.

Mrs. Gardiner had grown up on the Pemberley council estate, and known the late Mr. Darcy by character perfectly well. Indeed, on many occasions he had stood at his bedroom window and flashed her in the mornings as she hurried for her bus, but that only happened if she wore her school uniform and her hair in pigtails. Here, consequently, was an inexhaustible subject of discourse. In comparing her recollection of Pemberley council estate with the minute description which Walid could give, and in bestowing her tribute of praise on the character of its late possessor, she was delighting both him and herself. On being made acquainted with the present Mr. Darcy's treatment of him, she tried to remember something of that gentleman's reputed disposition, when quite a lad, which might agree with it, and was confident at last that she recollected having heard Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy formerly spoken of as a right fucking tosser.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Mrs. Gardiner's caution to Elizabeth was punctually and kindly given on the first favourable opportunity of speaking to her alone; after honestly telling her what she thought, she thus went on:  
``I mean, what the fuck you wasting your time on Walid for? He ain't even got a car, let alone a flat. I mean if you wanna shag him, shag him but don't sit there talking shit to him night after night 'cos you fink he's gonna pay you maintenance when you're up the duff 'cos he ain't, seriously."

"Chillax, yeah.''

``No, I fucking won't chillax. When your dad pops his clogs you lot are gonna be out on your arses and you ain't all coming to stay with us, I can tell you that for free. So fucking listen to what I'm saying, yeah. Find a bloke who's got his own pad. That way, even if you break up later at least you should get half of what his pad is worth, d'you hear what I'm saying?''

``Relax, yeah. I will take care of myself, and of Walid too. He ain't in love with me, if I can prevent it. I'll try to remember not to flex those little internal muscles when we shag, otherwise I'll never get rid of him 'cos that drives 'em crazy!''

``Elizabeth, you are not serious now.''

``I beg your pardon. I will try again. At present I have only given Walid a blowie. But I do want to shag him. As long as he ain't hung like a donkey you'll be OK but if he's a big boy then, sorry aunt, but he's a keeper. Next time he wears them budgie smuggler jeans I will do my best to check out his package.''

``Well, at least stop disappearing into your bedroom with him while we're waiting for the take away to arrive each night.''

``As I did the other day,'' said Elizabeth, with a conscious smile; ``very true, it will be wise of me to refrain from that. Nah, rest assured, I won't do that no more. My fucking duvet cover now looks like a Jackson Pollock and I can't be arsed to go to the launderette."

Her aunt assured her that she was assured; and Elizabeth having thanked her for the kindness of her hints, they parted; a wonderful instance of advice being given on such a point without being resented.

Colin returned to Longbourn Tower soon after it had been quitted by the Gardiners and Jane; but as he took up his abode with the Lucases, his arrival was no great inconvenience to Mrs. Bennet. His marriage was now fast approaching, and she was at length so far resigned as to think it inevitable, and even repeatedly to say in an ill-natured tone that she ``wished the dike and the flat thief might be happy.'' Thursday was to be the wedding day, and on Wednesday Miss Lucas paid her farewell visit; and when she rose to take leave, Elizabeth, ashamed of her mother's ungracious and reluctant good wishes, and sincerely affected herself, accompanied her out of the flat. As they went down stairs together, Charlotte said,

``Text me, yeah.''

``Yeah, 'course.''

``And I have another favour to ask. Will you come over me?''

"What?"

"I just want to see you lose control and abandon yourself to passion. Just once. Think of it as a hen night dare."

"Yeah, go on then."

"Exellent! And, after I marry, I'll see you soon, innit?"

``Yeah. When you visit your mum and dad we can chill down at the Old Bollocks and Bush.''

``Nah, I gotta chill in Kent for some time, innit. So you come to Hunsford.''

"Whatever," Elizabeth could not refuse, though she foresaw little pleasure in the visit. And she was nervous about fulfilling her hen night dare. Would she be able to relax enough to come with her best mate staring up at her? Maybe she could if she got pissed beforehand and used her double headed dildo. After all, anything was possible.

``Come in March,'' added Charlotte, ``get the National Express coach with me dad and sister. I love you Lizzy," whispered she, "You were always the one."

The wedding took place; the bride and bridegroom set off for Kent from the church door, and everybody had as much to say or to hear on the subject as usual. Elizabeth soon heard from her friend; and their texting was as regular and frequent as it had ever been; that it should be equally unreserved was impossible. Elizabeth could never address her without feeling that all the comfort of intimacy was over after Charlotte had got carried away during the hen night dare and actually gone down on Elizabeth, and, though it had been pleasurable Elizabeth felt that a line had been crossed and though she was determined not to slacken as a correspondent, it was for the sake of what had been, rather than what was. Charlotte's first texts were received with a good deal of eagerness; there could not but be curiosity to know how she would speak of her new home, how she would like Belladonna, how happy she would dare pronounce herself to be and just how crap was Colin in bed; though, when the texts were read, Elizabeth felt that Charlotte expressed herself on every point exactly as she might have foreseen. She wrote cheerfully, seemed surrounded with comforts, and mentioned nothing which she could not praise. The house, furniture, neighbourhood, her husband's dick and wide screen TV, were all to her taste, and Belladonna's behaviour was most friendly and obliging. It was Colin's picture of Hunsford and Rosings rationally softened; and Elizabeth perceived that she must wait for her own visit there, to know the rest.

Jane had already texted a few lines to her sister to announce their safe arrival in Cheapside; and when she texted again, Elizabeth hoped it would be in her power to say something of the Bingleys.

Her impatience for this second text was as well rewarded as impatience generally is. Jane had been a week in Cheapside, without either seeing or hearing from Caroline. She accounted for it, however, by supposing that her last text to her friend from Longbourn Tower had by some accident been lost.

``Auntie G,'' she continued, ``is going to Mayfair tomorrow, so I'm gonna bang on their fucking door."

She texted again when the visit was paid, and she had seen Miss Bingley. ``Caroline was acting like mum when she's been drinking spirits,'' were her words, ``but she was well glad to see me, she didn't get all my texts because she'd accidently left her phone in Harvey Nics and had only just got it back. I caught them just as they was leaving to get their spray tan topped up. They don't see much of their brov 'cos he's always down the pub with Darcy."

Elizabeth shook her head over this text. It convinced her that accident only could discover to Mr. Bingley her sister's being in town.

Four weeks passed away, and Jane got a job at Spearmint Rhino. At first her natural modesty prevented her from grinding her butt cheeks into the patrons willing faces and her tips suffered directly as a result. She tried poll dancing but did not have the necessary upper body strength. Eventually modesty fell away as the need for spray tans, false nails and new clothes increased. Some patrons left the club saying that Jane gave the best tit slap session they'd ever experienced. But despite glowing tan, tons of makeup, push up bras and loads of new jewellery from Claires still Jane saw nothing of Bingley. She endeavoured to persuade herself that she did not regret it; but she could no longer be blind to Miss Bingley's inattention. After waiting at home every morning for a fortnight, and inventing every evening a fresh excuse for her, the visitor did at last appear; but the shortness of her stay, and yet more, the alteration of her manner, would allow Jane to deceive herself no longer. The text which she sent on this occasion to her sister, will prove what she felt.

``Fuck me Lizzy! I am well pissed off! I hate to say it but u wos completely right about Caroline (or Fuckface as I now call her). She don't like me at all but what I don't get, yeah, is why did she wanna be intimate with me in the first fucking place? She was the one who came up to me at the rave and stuck her tongue down my throat first and then invited me over lunch so WTF? I call that wanting to be friends – don't you? Anyway, Fuckface finally found her way to Gracechurch Street yesterday so I was like 'Fuck! Where we gonna eat?' Anyway, she was being a right miserable bitch so I thought show her the new Paper Chase that has just opened on the corner of Gracechurch and Fenchurch (it's well nice, classy but it ain't got none of them dirty cards what we like to send to dad and Willie Lucas for a laugh on their birfdays and it smells nice whereas Card Factory smells like shit don't it) anyway, I wanted to take her to Next which was just next door but she had a face like thunder and was bleating on about having the painters and decorators in so I thought fuck it, let's just go to Prets. So she's sitting there moaning that the stools are uncomfortable (yeah, they are if you've got a fat arse like her) and (I'm paying yeah) and she munches her way through a Swedish meatball hot wrap, avocado and crayfish salad, chocolate mousse, a brownie and a coke and then she wipes her lips, burps and declares that it all tasted like shit and I'm sitting there thinking I had to slap my tits twenty times round some bald fucker's head to pay for that little lot (mind you, I like the bald ones, they're always so grateful). So I just thought 'Fuck you!' I don't want be friends with a miserable, greedy fucker like you no more. But fuck me! Why did she single me out? Every advance to intimacy began on her side. But I pity her, because she's a fucking ugly bitch. You seen her tits? All nipple and no tit. I HATE that. And all she fucking drones on about is how fucking in love Bingley is with fucking Georgie Darcy. Well, go ahead and marry her then, innit. Fucking rock on! Stupid bitches, the lot of 'em. So all in all, I'm well fucked off and I well and truely knackered my back in the other night trying to hang upside down on that fucking pole in the club and my left tit seriously kills because a punter said he'd give me a tenner of I could suck me own nipples. I tried but I just couldn't reach and I think I've pulled a ligament in my tit as a result. Can you do it? Maybe you can only do it if you've got floppy tits. Whatever. Anyway, Auntie and Uncle G. Are being a laugh and taking my mind off my various ailments and not seeing Bingley and that. Auntie G. showed me a really good way to increase my tips - blowing out a match with your minge. Tonight she's gonna show me her party piece which involves ping pong balls in some way. She reckons that's what got Uncle to propose! Anyway, check out Hunsford, yeah. At least the local will have some fresh meat. You've shagged everyone at the Old Bollocks and Bush!

L8trs Jane"

This text gave Elizabeth some pain; but her spirits returned as she considered that Jane would no longer be duped, by the sister at least. All expectation from the brother was now absolutely over. She would not even wish for any renewal of his attentions. His character sunk on every review of it; and as a punishment for him, as well as a possible advantage to Jane, she seriously hoped he might really soon marry Darcy's sister, as, by Walid's account, she would make him abundantly regret what he had thrown away.

Mrs. Gardiner about this time reminded Elizabeth of her promise concerning that gentleman, and required information; and Elizabeth had such to send as might rather give contentment to her aunt than to herself. His apparent partiality had subsided, his attentions were over, he was the admirer of someone else. Elizabeth was watchful enough to see it all, but she could see it and write of it without material pain. Her heart had been but slightly touched, and her vanity was satisfied with believing that she would have been his only choice, had fortune permitted it. The sudden acquisition of a winning lottery ticket was the most remarkable charm of the young lady to whom he was now rendering himself agreeable; but Elizabeth, less clear-sighted perhaps in his case than in Charlotte's, did not quarrel with him for his wish of independence. Nothing, on the contrary, could be more natural; and while able to suppose that it cost him a few struggles to relinquish her, she was ready to allow it a wise and desirable measure for both, and could very sincerely wish him happy with the flat chested bimbo he was now woeing."

All this was acknowledged to Mrs. Gardiner; and after relating the circumstances, she thus went on: - ``I am now convinced, my dear auntie G, that I never wanted to shag him that much; for had I really experienced that pure and elevating passion, I should at present want to kick him in the fucking nuts, and wish him all manner of evil. But my feelings are chilled towards him; I don't even mind Judy King. I don't hate her at all, I mean, it's up to him if he wants to shag somebody with no tits, no arse and who had the clap so bad last year that she cried every time she walked. Maybe he done like curving girls. Maybe he's a fucking poof. Oh well, just so long as they're happy together, innit. Nah, I'm cool wiv it. Yeah, a shag would have been nice but as you said, he ain't got his own pad so what's the fucking point? Actually Kitty and Lydia are well cut up about it but I think they was having threesomes and he was telling them all sorts of shit about how they was the best etc. Silly sluts. But they're young, innit. Sort of fing you do when you're young. They'll learn. Anyway, I just hope he enjoys poncing off Mrs. No-Tits lottery money.''


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

With no greater events than these in the Longbourn family, and otherwise diversified by little beyond the walks to Meryton, sometimes dirty and sometimes cold, did January and February pass away. March was to take Elizabeth to Hunsford. She had not at first thought very seriously of going thither; but Charlotte, she soon found, was depending on the plan, and she gradually learned to consider it herself with greater pleasure as well as greater certainty. Absence had increased her desire of seeing Charlotte again, and weakened her disgust of Colin. There was novelty in the scheme; and as, with such a mother and such uncompanionable sisters, home could not be faultless, a little change was not unwelcome for its own sake. The journey would moreover give her a peep at Jane; and, in short, as the time drew near, she would have been very sorry for any delay. Everything, however, went on smoothly, and was finally settled according to Charlotte's first sketch. She was to accompany Sir William and his second daughter. The improvement of spending a night in Gracechurch Street was added in time, and the plan became perfect as plan could be.

The only pain was in leaving her father, who would certainly miss her, and who, when it came to the point, so little liked her going that he told her to text to him, and almost promised to answer her text.

The farewell between herself and Walid was perfectly friendly; on his side even more. His present pursuit could not make him forget that Elizabeth had been the first to excite and to deserve his attention, the first to listen and to pity, the first to be admired; and in his manner of bidding her adieu, wishing her every enjoyment, reminding her of what she was to expect in Belladonna, and trusting their opinion of her - their opinion of everybody - would always coincide, there was a solicitude, an interest which she felt must ever attach her to him with a most sincere regard; and she parted from him convinced that, whether she got a shag out of him or not, he must always be her model of the amiable and pleasing.

Her fellow-travellers the next day were not of a kind to make her think him less agreeable. Willie Lucas and his daughter Maria, a good humoured girl, but as empty-headed as himself, had nothing to say that could be worth hearing, and were listened to with about as much delight as the rattle of the coach. Elizabeth loved absurdities, but she had known Willie too long. He could tell her nothing new of the wonders of his manhood; and his civilities were worn out like his information.

It was a journey of only twenty four miles, and they began it so early as to be in Gracechurch Street by noon. As they drove to Mr. Gardiner's door, Jane was at a drawing-room window watching their arrival; when they entered the passage she was there to welcome them, and Elizabeth, looking earnestly in her face, was pleased to see that it boasted a fake Saint Tropez tan and full war paint. On the stairs were a troop of little boys and girls, whose eagerness for their cousin's appearance would not allow them to wait in the drawing-room, and whose shyness, as they had not seen her for a year because Auntie G couldn't be bothered to spend Christmas with her own kids, prevented their coming lower. All was joy and kindness. The day passed most pleasantly away; the morning in bustle and shopping, and the evening at one of the theatres.

Elizabeth then contrived to sit by her aunt. Their first subject was her sister; and she was more grieved than astonished to hear, in reply to her minute enquiries, that though Jane always struggled to support her spirits, there were periods of dejection. It was reasonable, however, to hope that they would not continue long. Mrs. Gardiner gave her the particulars also of Miss Bingley's visit in Gracechurch Street, and repeated conversations occurring at different times between Jane and herself, which proved that the former had, from her heart, given up the acquaintance.

Mrs. Gardiner then rallied her niece on Walid's desertion, and complimented her on bearing it so well.

``Oi Liz,'' she added, ``what sort of girl is Judy King? Is she a looker or is he just shagging her for the cash?''

``For fuck's sake Auntie G what difference does it make? So what if he's shagging a minger? I still like him. I'd still give him one. If he ain't got his own crib he's gotta pick a girl who has, innit."

``How minging is minging?''

``Well, Tony down the pub has had her and he said that she's OK to shag after a few pints as long as you do it doggy style 'cos her breath is freakin' nasty. And she's got fur on her teeth on account of her grandad owning a sweet shop.''

``But he didn't look at her twice until she won the lottery.''

``So - why should he? You didn't want him hanging round me 'cos I was too poor so why the fuck is he gonna hang with an ugly bitch who is just as poor? Come on, Auntie G use your 'ead."

``But he should have waited a bit instead of squeezing himself into that photo of her holding the oversized cheque the day after the win."

``That was hasty, I grant you but at the end of the day if she ain't bovvered then why should we be?"

``Sounds like she's got low self esteem. Now if she had a talent she'd feel so much better about herself. Since I learnt my trick with the ping pong balls I know I can have any man I choose and that gives me confidence.''

``You still ain't taught he that one!'' cried Elizabeth, ``Anyway, have it your way – he's a tosser and she's a stupid bitch.''

``No, Lizzy, that is what I do not choose. I don't wanna think bad of a young fella who has lived so long on Pemberley council estate.''

``Oh! if that is all, I've got a very poor opinion of blokes who live in Derbyshire; and their bum chum friends who live in Tower Hamlets are not much better. I'm fucking sick of the lot of 'em. Thank fuck I am going tomorrow where I'll find a man who is a complete nob end, who has neither a decent sized manhood nor looks to recommend him. Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing, after all.''

``Easy tiger! Fuck's sake, calm down. When we get home have a little splish splash down below and I'll teach you my ping pong balls trick.''

Before they were separated by the conclusion of the play, she had the unexpected happiness of an invitation to accompany her uncle and aunt in a tour of pleasure which they proposed taking in the summer.

``We have not quite determined how far it shall carry us,'' said Mrs. Gardiner, ``I wanna go back to Thailand and is if I can learn the opening the bottle of beer trick but hubby is saying money's a bit short since the police caught him trying to sell a clocked jag so he wants to play it safe and go to the Lakes or something. Sounds fucking boring to me and I fucking loath Kendal mint cake but at least it's a few weeks away from the kids.''

No scheme could have been more agreeable to Elizabeth, and her acceptance of the invitation was most ready and grateful. ``Oh Auntie G,'' she rapturously cried, ``I'm well chuffed! I just wanna get away and get pissed and that. I think the Lakes will be a laugh. I might even get to shag a farmer! But just don't make me walk anywhere 'cos I ain't getting my Uggs muddy for no one. And yes, please, teach me the ping pong trick as soon as we get home. Charlotte was interested when I mentioned it and I'm sure she'd be proper entertained if I could surprise her by doing it one night. If I use DW40 is that classed as cheating?''


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

Every object in the next day's journey was new and interesting to Elizabeth; and her spirits were in a state for enjoyment; for she had seen her sister looking so orange as to banish all fear for her health, and the prospect of her northern tour was a constant source of delight.

When they left the high-road for the lane to Hunsford, every eye was in search of the Parsonage, and every turning expected to bring it in view. The palings of Rosings Park was their boundary on one side. Elizabeth smiled at the recollection of all that she had heard of its inhabitants.

At length the Parsonage was discernible. The garden sloping to the road, the house standing in it, the green pales and the laurel hedge, everything declared that they were arriving. Colin and Charlotte appeared at the door, and the taxi stopped at a small gate, which led by a short gravel walk to the house, amidst the nods and smiles of the whole party. In a moment they were all out of the cab, rejoicing at the sight of each other. Charlotte welcomed her friend with the liveliest pleasure, and Elizabeth was more and more satisfied with coming, when she found herself so affectionately received. She was a little startled by the rude manner in which Charlotte's live-in cleaner frowned and stamped her as they embraced. Charlotte introduced her as Consuela, she was an asylum seeker, and when she was not frowning and stamping her feet Elizabeth had to own that she was a pretty little thing.

Elizabeth saw instantly that her cousin's manners were not altered by his marriage; his formal civility was just what it had been, and he detained her some minutes at the gate to hear and satisfy his enquiries after all her family. They were then, with no other delay than his pointing out the neatness of the entrance, taken into the house; and as soon as they were in the parlour, he welcomed them a second time with ostentatious formality to his humble abode, and punctually repeated all his wife's offers of refreshment.

Elizabeth was prepared to see him in his glory; and she could not help fancying that in displaying the good proportion of the room, its aspect and its furniture, he addressed himself particularly to her, as if wishing to make her feel what she had lost in refusing him. But though everything seemed neat and comfortable, she was not able to gratify him by any sigh of repentance; and rather looked with wonder at her friend that she could have so cheerful an air, with such a companion. When Colin said anything of which his wife might reasonably be ashamed, which certainly was not unseldom, she involuntarily turned her eye on Charlotte. Once or twice she could discern a faint blush; but in general Charlotte wisely did not hear. After sitting long enough to admire every article of furniture in the room, from the sideboard to the fender, to give an account of their journey, and of all that had happened in London, Colin invited them to take a stroll in the garden, which was large and well laid out, and to the cultivation of which he attended himself. To work in his garden was one of his most respectable pleasures; and Elizabeth admired the command of countenance with which Charlotte talked of the healthfulness of the exercise, and owned she encouraged it as much as possible. Here, leading the way through every walk and cross walk, and scarcely allowing them an interval to utter the praises he asked for, every view was pointed out with a minuteness which left beauty entirely behind. He could number the fields in every direction, and could tell how many trees there were in the most distant clump. But of all the views which his garden, or which the country, or the kingdom could boast, none were to be compared with the prospect of Rosings, afforded by an opening in the trees that bordered the park nearly opposite the front of his house. It was a handsome modern building, well situated on rising ground.

From his garden, Colin would have led them round his two meadows, but the ladies, not wanting their Uggs to encounter the remains of a white frost, turned back; and while Willie accompanied him, Charlotte took her sister and friend over the house, extremely well pleased, probably, to have the opportunity of showing it without her husband's help. It was rather small, but well built and convenient; and everything was fitted up and arranged with a neatness and consistency of which Elizabeth gave Charlotte all the credit. When Colin could be forgotten, there was really a great air of comfort throughout, and by Charlotte's evident enjoyment of it, Elizabeth supposed he must be often forgotten. She had already learnt that Belladonna was still in the country. It was spoken of again while they were at dinner, when Colin joining in, observed,

``Yes, Elizabeth, you will have the honour of seeing Belladonna on the ensuing Sunday at the organic farmers' market, you will be gobsmacked and star struck. She's just so amazing! And I doubt that you will be honoured with her notice once she's eaten her customary organic falafel and alfalfa stuffed wholemeal pitta. I have scarcely any hesitation in saying that she will include you and Maria in every invitation with which she honours us during your stay here. Her behaviour to my dear Charlotte is charming. We dine at Rosings twice every week, and are never allowed to walk home. Belladonna insists that we run. She's very into health and fitness so she sends her personal trainer home with us to make sure we don't walk. I should say, one of her personal trainers, because she has several.''

``Belladonna is a very respectable, sensible woman indeed,'' added Charlotte, ``and a most attentive neighbour.''

``Very true, my dear, that is exactly what I say. She is the sort of woman who you regard with shock and awe.''

The evening was spent chiefly in watching Cupcake Wars and talking over Tower Hamlets news, and telling again what had been already written; and when it closed, Elizabeth, in the solitude of her chamber, had to meditate upon Charlotte's degree of contentment, to understand her address in guiding, and composure in bearing with her husband, and to acknowledge that it was all done very well. She had also to anticipate how her visit would pass, the quiet tenor of their usual employments, the vexatious interruptions of Colin, and the gaieties of their intercourse with Rosings. A lively imagination soon settled it all. About the middle of the next day, as she was in her room getting ready for a walk, a sudden noise below seemed to send the whole house into confusion; and after listening a moment, she heard somebody running up stairs in a violent hurry, and calling loudly after her. She opened the door, and met Maria in the landing place, who, breathless with agitation, cried out,

``Oh, my dear Eliza! come into the dining room, there is such a sight to be seen! I will not tell you what it is. Come down this moment.''

Elizabeth asked questions in vain; Maria would tell her nothing more, and down they ran into the dining room, which fronted the lane, in quest of this wonder; it was two ladies stopping in a low Ferrari at the garden gate.

``And is this all?'' cried Elizabeth. ``I expected at least that the pigs had arrested Colin, and here is nothing but Belladonna and her daughter!''

``Fuck me,'' said Maria quite shocked at the mistake, ``but I could have sworn that I caught my sister going down on Consuela on the dining room table. Anyway, that's not Belladonna. The old biddy is Mrs. Jenkinson, who lives with them. The other is Vatican. Only look at her. She is well nasty. Spot the tits competition. Who would have thought she could be so thin and small!''

``She is fucking rude to keep Charlotte out of doors in all this wind. Why doesn't she come in?''

``Oh! Charlotte says, she hardly ever does. Ever since she got pissed forgot to wear a thong and friends splashed photos of her minge as she was trying to get out of her car on Face Book."

``I like her appearance,'' said Elizabeth, struck with other ideas. ``She looks sickly and cross. - Yes, she will do him very nicely. She will make him a very proper wife.''

Colin and Charlotte were both standing at the gate in conversation with the ladies; and Willie, to Elizabeth's high diversion, was stationed in the doorway, in earnest contemplation of the greatness before him, and constantly bowing whenever Vatican looked that way.

At length there was nothing more to be said; the ladies drove on, and the others returned into the house. Colin no sooner saw the two girls than he began to congratulate them on their good fortune, which Charlotte explained by letting them know that the whole party was asked to dine at Rosings the next day.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Colin's triumph in consequence of this invitation was complete. The power of displaying the grandeur of his patroness to his wondering visitors, and of letting them see her civility towards himself and his wife, was exactly what he had wished for; and that an opportunity of doing it should be given so soon was such an instance of Belladonna's condescension as he knew not how to admire enough.  
``I confess,'' said he, ``that I wouldn't have been at all surprised if Belladonna had asked us on Sunday to drink her famous rosehip tea and spend the evening at Rosings listening to her old albums. But this is like wow! I can't believe that we've received an invitation to dine with Belladonna (an invitation moreover including the whole party) so immediately after your arrival!''

``I ain't surprised,'' replied Willie, ``because if you're real class then you act like real class. It's like when I used to be a porter at Heathrow and I helped Sulky Spice with her luggage and she said 'Fuck off and stop looking at my fabulous legs you dirty old perv.' Now she didn't need to say that. She could have got one of her heavies to say it for her but the girl's got class, innit."

Scarcely anything was talked of the whole day, or next morning, but their visit to Rosings. Colin was carefully instructing them in what they were to expect, that the sight of such rooms, so many servants, and so splendid a dinner might not wholly overpower them.

When the ladies were separating for the toilette, he said to Elizabeth,

``Don't worry about being dressed in cheap high street tat. Belladonna is far from requiring that elegance of dress in us, which her and daughter enjoy. I would advise you to just do the best you can with what you've got. As the saying goes – you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. If you look like a bag of shit it don't really matter 'cos at the end of the day Belladonna is the super star, d'ya feel me? ''

While they were dressing, he came two or three times to their different doors, to recommend their being quick, as Belladonna very much objected to be kept waiting for her dinner. - Such formidable accounts of her ladyship, and her manner of living, quite frightened Maria Lucas, who had been little used to company, and she looked forward to her introduction at Rosings with as much apprehension, as her father had done when he first carried luggage for Joan Collins.

As the weather was fine, they had a pleasant walk of about half a mile across the park. - Every park has its beauty and its prospects; and Elizabeth saw much to be pleased with, though she could not be in such raptures as Colin expected the scene to inspire, and was but slightly affected by his enumeration of the windows in front of the house, and his relation of what the pool and jacuzzi altogether had originally cost.

When they ascended the steps to the hall, Maria's alarm was every moment increasing, and even Willie did not look perfectly calm. - Elizabeth's courage did not fail her. She had heard nothing of Belladonna that spoke her having any extraordinary talents or miraculous virtue, on the contrary, she's heard that she shagged everything in sight and would have had no career at all but for the invention of autotune, and the mere stateliness of money and rank she thought she could witness without trepidation.

From the entrance hall, of which Colin pointed out, with a rapturous air, the fine proportion and finished ornaments, they followed the servants through an ante-chamber, to the room where Belladonna, her daughter, and Mrs. Jenkinson were sitting. - Belladonna, with great condescension, arose to receive them; and as Charlotte had settled it with her husband that the office of introduction should be hers, it was performed in a proper manner, without any of those apologies and thanks which he would have thought necessary.

In spite of having been a porter at Heathrow, Willie was so completely awed by the grandeur surrounding him, that he had but just courage enough to make a very low bow, and take his seat without saying a word; and his daughter, frightened almost out of her senses, sat on the edge of her chair, not knowing which way to look. Elizabeth found herself quite equal to the scene, and could observe the three ladies before her composedly. - Belladonna was a tall, large woman, with strongly-marked features, which might once have been handsome. Her air was not conciliating, nor was her manner of receiving them such as to make her visitors forget their inferior rank. She was not rendered formidable by silence; but whatever she said was spoken in so authoritative a tone as marked her self-importance, and brought Walid immediately to Elizabeth's mind; and from the observation of the day altogether, she believed Belladonna to be exactly what he had represented.

When, after examining the mother, in whose countenance and deportment she soon found some resemblance to Darcy, she turned her eyes on the daughter, she could almost have joined in Maria's astonishment at her being so thin, and so small. If her mum was so rich why then didn't she spring for a boob job for her daughter who was so sorely in need of it? There was neither in figure nor face any likeness between the ladies. Vatican was pale and sickly; her features, though not plain, were insignificant; and she spoke very little, except in a low voice to Mrs. Jenkinson, in whose appearance there was nothing remarkable, and who was entirely engaged in listening to what she said, and placing a screen in the proper direction before her eyes.

Lastly, Elizabeth's attention was drawn to dark, smoulderingly handsome young man, Carlos Jose Halapeno Nachos Tierra Del Fuego, Belladonna's latest husband. His black treacle eyes stared at Elizabeth from beneath thick soot black lashes. Elizabeth twirled her hair, stuck out her tits and chewed on her gum while pretending not to notice that he was devilishly good looking.

After sitting a few minutes, they were all sent to one of the windows to admire the view, Colin attending them to point out its beauties, and Belladonna kindly informing them that it was much better worth looking at in the summer.

The dinner was exceedingly healthy: green salad with no dressing, pumpkin risotto with no rice and ice cream without the cream. Despite the food being shit there were all the servants, and all the articles of plate which Colin had promised; and, as he had likewise foretold, he took his seat at the bottom of the table, by Belladonna's desire, and looked as if he felt that life could furnish nothing greater. - He carved, and ate, and praised with delighted alacrity; and every dish was commended, first by him, and then by Willie, who was now enough recovered to echo whatever his son in law said, in a manner which Elizabeth wondered Belladonna could bear. But Belladonna seemed gratified by their excessive admiration, and gave most gracious smiles, especially when any dish on the table proved a novelty to them. The party did not supply much conversation. Elizabeth was ready to speak whenever there was an opening, but she was seated between Charlotte and Vatican - the former of whom was engaged in listening to Belladonna, and the latter said not a word to her all dinner time. Mrs. Jenkinson was chiefly employed in watching how little Vatican ate, pressing her to try some other dish, and fearing she were indisposed. Maria thought speaking out of the question, and the gentlemen did nothing but eat and admire.

When the ladies returned to the drawing room, there was little to be done but to hear Belladonna talk, which she did without any intermission till decaf, soya foam latte came in, delivering her opinion on every subject in so decisive a manner as proved that she was not used to have her judgment controverted. She enquired into Charlotte's domestic concerns familiarly and minutely, and gave her a great deal of advice as to the management of them all; told her how everything ought to be regulated in so small a family as hers, and instructed her as to the care of her cows and her poultry. Elizabeth found that nothing was beneath this great star's attention, which could furnish her with an occasion of dictating to others. In the intervals of her discourse with Charlotte, she addressed a variety of questions to Maria and Elizabeth, but especially to the latter, of whose connections she knew the least, and who, she observed to Charlotte, was a very genteel, pretty kind of girl for a pikie. She asked her at different times, how many sisters she had, whether they were older or younger than herself, whether any of them were likely to be married, whether they were handsome, where they had been educated, what car her father kept, and what had been her mother's maiden name? - Elizabeth felt all the impertinence of her questions, but answered them very composedly. - Belladonna then observed,

``Your father's flat belongs to Colin, I think. For you,'' turning to Charlotte, ``that's good but otherwise it's fucking piss poor that your Father gambled away his property. Anyway, do you sing, Elizabeth?''

``A little. Britney Spears mostly.''

``Britney's songs are populist shit but yeah, stick with singing her crap because the harmonies in my stuff are really complex. Anyway, if you want to sing sometime I'd be happy to hear you and give you a full critique. I've got a fabulous studio here at Rosings. Do your sisters sing?''

``One of them does. The other one thinks she does.''

``Why don't you all sing? You should all sing. You've got to be in it to win it. Look at me – I'm a super star! Do you all do botox?''

``No, not at all.''

``What, none of you?''

``Not one.''

``But how do you cope with the frown lines? Your mother should have taken you to Harley Street every spring to get topped up before you all start looking like hags.''

``My mother would have had no objection, but my father hates injections and all that.''

``Have you finished your schooling?''

``We never really went to school. The teaching was well crap and I fucking hated it.''

``No school! How was that possible? Five daughters brought up at home without a proper education! - I never heard of such a thing. Your mother must have been quite a slave to your education. She must have enjoyed reading my children's books to you.''

Elizabeth could hardly help smiling, as she assured her that had not been the case.

``But how could you get through your childhood with the enrichment of my "Sad Little Ugly Bella Becomes a Beautiful Super Star series? I have a set I can lend you.''

``No, you're alright. I'm still catching up on my Hello magazines. You see, we was always encouraged to read, just so long as we didn't touch dad's porn stash.''

``Well, you should have at least read my series of children's books then at least your education would in some way be complete. I give my books out regularly to those I feel need the improvement of reading. Charlotte, did I tell you that Sulky Spice called yesterday to thank me? She says that my books are a treasure. "Belladonna," said she, "you have given me a treasure." Are any of your younger sisters dating, Elizabeth?''

``Yeah, all of 'em are. Well, not so much dating as shagging, innit.''

``All! - What, all shagging at once? Your condom bill must be gigantic! I hope you all practice safe sex. When you read the sixth book in my series, "Ugly Bella Grows a Pair and Suddenly the Boys are Interested" that deals sensitively with the subjects of casual sex, unwanted pregnancy, VD and the importance of using condoms in an engaging but simple way that is appropriate for most six year olds. So how old is your youngest sister if she's already shagging?''

``Sixteen. I know it's young but she's a bit of a slag so what can you do?" Elizabeth shrugged her shoulders.

``Well, I think that's terrible. It would never have happened if only she'd read and been guided by my Bella books. And Elizabeth I think you are very opinionated,'' said Belladonna.

"Like you're not?" muttered Carlos "Elizabeth and her sisters are hot blooded. What is so wrong with that? In Argentina we say that you can never truly learn to dance the tango until you have had your first multiple orgasm."

Elizabeth bit her lip rather than giggle in front of Belladonna in case she suggested another of her Bella series of books that would stop her wanting to laugh.

"How old are you?" said Belladonna.

``I'm as old as the woman I feel,'' replied Elizabeth smiling.

Belladonna seemed quite astonished at not receiving a direct answer; and Elizabeth suspected herself to be the first creature who had ever dared to trifle with so much dignified impertinence!

``I'd say you're about twenty but you shouldn't leave it any later to start botox.''

``You got me! I'm twenty. And hot, single and looking for fun!'' she winked at Carlos who ran his tongue slowly along his upper teeth suggestively in return.

When the gentlemen had joined them, and tea was over, the occasional tables were placed and the photo albums charting Belladonna's career were brought out. Belladonna, Willie, and Mr. and Mrs. Collins sat around one table; and as Vatican chose to play at bingo, the two girls had the honour of assisting Mrs. Jenkinson to make up her party. Their table was superlatively stupid. Scarcely a syllable was uttered that did not relate to the game, except when Mrs. Jenkinson expressed her fears of Vatican's being too hot or too cold, or having too much or too little light. A great deal more passed at the other table, Belladonna was generally speaking – saying how great a particular photograph of herself was, or relating some anecdote of herself. Colin was employed in agreeing to everything she said, thanking her for every photo she showed, and apologising if he thought she was a bloke in some of them. Willie did not say much. He was storing his memory with anecdotes and noble names.

When Belladonna and her daughter had played as long as they chose, the tables were broke up, the limo was offered to Charlotte, gratefully accepted, and immediately ordered. The party then gathered round the fire to hear Belladonna determine what weather they were to have on the morrow. From these instructions they were summoned by the arrival of the limo, and with many speeches of thankfulness on Colin's side, and as many bows on Willie's, they departed. As soon as they had driven from the door, Elizabeth was called on by her cousin to give her opinion of all that she had seen at Rosings, which, for Charlotte's sake, she made more favourable than it really was. But her commendation, though costing her some trouble, could by no means satisfy Colin, and he was very soon obliged to take Belladonna's praise into his own hands.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

Willie stayed only a week at Hunsford; but his visit was long enough to convince him of his daughter's being most comfortably settled, and of her possessing such a husband and such a neighbour as were not often met with. While Willie was with them, Colin devoted his mornings to driving him out in his Skoda and showing him the country; but when he went away, the whole family returned to their usual employments, and Elizabeth was thankful to find that they did not see more of her cousin by the alteration, for the chief of the time between breakfast and dinner was now passed by him either at work in the garden, or in reading and writing, and looking out of window in his own library, which fronted the road. The room in which the ladies sat was backwards. Elizabeth at first had rather wondered that Charlotte should not prefer the dining parlour for common use; it was a better sized room, and had a pleasanter aspect; but she soon saw that her friend had an excellent reason for what she did, for Colin would undoubtedly have been much less in his own apartment, had they sat in one equally lively; and she gave Charlotte credit for the arrangement.

From the drawing room they could distinguish nothing in the lane, and were indebted to Colin for the knowledge of what cars and tractors went along, and how often especially Vatican drove by in her Ferrari, which he never failed coming to inform them of, though it happened almost every day. She not infrequently stopped at the Parsonage, and had a few minutes' conversation with Charlotte, but was scarcely ever prevailed on to get out.

Very few days passed in which Colin did not walk to Rosings, and not many in which his wife did not think it necessary to go likewise; and till Elizabeth recollected that there might be other family livings to be disposed of, she could not understand the sacrifice of so many hours. Now and then, they were honoured with a call from Belladonna, and nothing escaped her observation that was passing in the room during these visits. She examined into their employments, looked at their work, and advised them to do it differently; found fault with the arrangement of the furniture, or detected Consuela's negligence; and if she accepted any refreshment, seemed to do it only for the sake of finding out that Charlotte's joints of cannabis were too large for her family.

Elizabeth soon perceived that though this great super star was not in the commission of the peace for the county, she was a most active magistrate in her own parish, the minutest concerns of which were carried to her by Colin; and whenever any of the cottagers were disposed to be quarrelsome (when the public toilets were closed for repair), discontented (because the public toilets were still closed for repair and the heath was too open) or too poor, she sallied forth into the village to settle their differences, silence their complaints, and scold them into harmony and plenty and, if necessary, give them a port-a-loo from which they could continue to cottage.

The entertainment of dining at Rosings was repeated about twice a week. Elizabeth was always sure to eat lots of pizza or a burger first; and, allowing for the loss of Willie, and there being only one occasional table in the evening, every such entertainment was the counterpart of the first. Their other engagements were few; as the style of living of the neighbourhood in general was beyond Colin's reach. This, however, was no evil to Elizabeth, and upon the whole she spent her time comfortably enough singing along to Britney Spears on You Tube and texting Jane; there were half hours of pleasant conversation with Charlotte and when Colin went out they enjoyed practising the ping pong ball trick together despite Consuela continually bursting in on such occasions and then when told to leave noisily crashing pans in the kitchen so that Charlotte and Elizabeth couldn't hear the satisfying "pop" as they continued to eject ping pong balls from assorted orifices.

The weather was so fine for the time of year, that Elizabeth had often great enjoyment out of doors. Her favourite walk, and where she frequently went while the others were calling on Belladonna, was along the open grove which edged that side of the park, where there was a nice sheltered path, which no one seemed to value but herself, and where she felt beyond the reach of Belladonna's curiosity.

In this quiet way, the first fortnight of her visit soon passed away. Easter was approaching, and the week preceding it was to bring an addition to the family at Rosings, which in so small a circle must be important. Elizabeth had heard, soon after her arrival, that Darcy was expected there in the course of a few weeks, and though there were not many of her acquaintance whom she did not prefer, his coming would furnish one comparatively new to look at in their Rosings parties, and she might be amused in seeing how hopeless Fuckface's designs on him were, by his behaviour to his cousin, for whom he was evidently destined by Belladonna; who talked of his coming with the greatest satisfaction, spoke of him in terms of the highest admiration, and seemed almost angry to find that he had already been frequently seen by Maria and Elizabeth.

His arrival was soon known at the Parsonage, for Colin was walking the whole morning within view of the lodges opening into Hunsford Lane, in order to have the earliest assurance of it; and after making his bow as the carriage turned into the park, hurried home with the great intelligence. On the following morning he hastened to Rosings to pay his respects. There were two nephews of Belladonna to require them, for Mr. Darcy had brought with him a Colonel Fitzwilliam, the younger son of his uncle, Lord Pugly; and to the great surprise of all the party, when Colin returned, the gentlemen, including Carlos, accompanied him. Charlotte had seen them, from her husband's room, crossing the road, and immediately running into the other, told the girls what an honour they might expect, adding,

``You better watch it Liz. Looks like Darcy has still got the hots for you. He's only just arrived and he's come straight over to see you. But it looks like Carlos has come along to mark his territory. You might have a fight on your hands."

Elizabeth had scarcely time to change into her platforms, shortest skirt and super uplift, killer cleavage, plunge bra, before their approach was announced by the door-bell, and shortly afterwards the four gentlemen entered the room. Colonel Fitzwilliam, who led the way, was about thirty, not handsome, but in person and address most truly the gentleman. But, thought Elizabeth, so what, the man's a fucking minger. Darcy looked just as he had been used to look in Tower Hamlets, paid his compliments, with his usual reserve, to Charlotte; and whatever might be his feelings towards her friend, met her with every appearance of composure. Elizabeth merely gave him the finger, without saying a word. Carlos smouldered in the shadows. His arms folded against his taunt, muscular body and his impossibly dark eyes boring into hers.

Colonel Fitzwilliam entered into conversation directly with the readiness and ease of a well-bred man, and talked very pleasantly but nobody was listening. His cousin, after having addressed a slight observation on the house and garden to Charlotte, sat for some time without speaking to anybody. At length, however, his civility was so far awakened as to enquire of Elizabeth after the health of her family. She answered him in the usual way, and after a moment's pause, added,

``My eldest sister has been in Cheapside for three months. Have you never happened to see her there?''

She was perfectly sensible that he never had; but she wished to see whether he would betray any consciousness of what had passed between the Bingleys and Jane; and she thought he looked a little confused as he answered that he had never been so fortunate as to meet Jane. The subject was pursued no farther, and the gentlemen soon afterwards went away but not before Carlos accused the Colonel of killing his father during the Falklands War and then he went on to say that he'd never eaten Colman's English mustard since, even though it was his favourite.


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

Carlos's lunchbox and six pack were very much admired at the parsonage, and the ladies all felt that he must add considerably to the pleasure of their engagements at Rosings. It was some days, however, before they received any invitation thither, for while there were visitors in the house they could not be necessary; and it was not till Easter-day, almost a week after the gentlemen's arrival, that they were honoured by such an attention, and then they were merely asked on leaving Hunsford's Spiritual Centre (sponsored by one of Belladonna's companies) to come there in the evening. For the last week they had seen very little of either Belladonna or her daughter. Carlos had called at the parsonage more than once during the time, but Darcy they had only seen at church.

The invitation was accepted of course, and at a proper hour they joined the party in Belladonna's drawing room. She received them civilly, but it was plain that their company was by no means so acceptable as when she could get nobody else; and she was, in fact, almost engrossed by her nephews, speaking to them, especially to Darcy, much more than to any other person in the room.

Carlos seemed really glad to see them; anything was a welcome relief to him at Rosings; and Charlotte's pretty friend had moreover caught his fancy very much. He now seated himself by her, and talked so agreeably of the milongas and brothels of Buenos Aires, of travelling and staying at home, of new porn films and music, that Elizabeth had never been half so well entertained in that room before; and they conversed with so much spirit and flow, as to draw the attention of Belladonna herself as well as of Darcy. His eyes had been soon and repeatedly turned towards them with a look of curiosity; and that Belladonna after a while shared the feeling, was more openly acknowledged, for she did not scruple to call out,

``What are you talking about sugar-chops? You're not talking about that silly little film you made before we met are you? It was an art film, not porn. There's a world of difference. What are you telling Elizabeth? Tell me!''

``We are speaking of music, Bella,'' said he, when no longer able to avoid a reply.

``Of music! Then for fuck's sake speak up. I'm the fucking queen of music. I'll have my share of the conversation, if you are talking music. There are few people in England, who enjoy music as much as me, and I have fantastic natural taste. If I had ever learnt an instrument, I would have been a the bomb. And so would Anne, if she wasn't so fucking ill the whole time. I am confident that she would have performed delightfully. How does Georgiana get on, Darcy?''

Darcy spoke with affectionate praise of his sister's proficiency.

``That's great,'' said Belladonna; ``but she has to keep at it and practise, practise, practise!"

``Oh, she does,'' he replied, ``she's determined to audition for X Factor this year."

``So much the better. You can't audition enough for those TV talent shows. Of course, I made it the traditional way by sleeping with a lot of DJs and getting them to play my records. When I next write a song I'll dedicate it to her, and through my lyrics I'll tell her not to neglect her singing on any account. I often tell groupies, that no excellence in music can to be acquired, without constantly offering to sleep with DJ's, agents and record company execs. I've told Elizabeth several times, that she will never sing really well, unless she practises more; and though Charlotte has no karaoke machine, she is very welcome, as I have often told her, to come to Rosings every day, and play on the karaoke machine in Mrs. Jenkinson's room. She would be in nobody's way, you know, in that part of the house.''

Darcy looked a little ashamed of his aunt's ill breeding, and made no answer.

When coffee was over, Carlos reminded Elizabeth of having promised to play to him; and she sat down directly to the instrument. He drew a chair near her. Suspecting Darcy's role in her sister's broken romance Elizabeth decided to sing "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele. Belladonna listened to half a song, and then talked, as before, to her nephew; till the latter walked away from her, and moving with his usual deliberation towards the karaoke machine, stationed himself so as to command a full view of the fair performer's countenance. Elizabeth saw what he was doing, and at the first convenient pause, turned to him with an arch smile, and said,

``What? You trying to psyche me out? You trying to fucking intimidate me? Don't even bovver mate 'cos I really ain't bovvered. I'll fucking take you on, no problem. I'll fucking take you all on. Tossers! ''

``I'm not going to say you're mistaken,'' he replied, ``because you might deck me."

Elizabeth laughed heartily at this picture of herself, and said to Carlos, ``Your nephew is a fucking tosser. I wouldn't deck him. I'd punch him in the fucking nuts. Anyway, I could tell you some stuff about him that he ain't proud of."

``I am not afraid of you,'' said he, smilingly.

"Yeah, well you fucking should be," said she.

``Let me hear what you have to accuse him of,'' cried Carlos. ``I should like to know how he behaves among strangers.''

``Yeah, I'll tell you. The first time I saw your best mate, you must know, was at a rave, and at this rave, what do you think he did? He just stood around and said I was too fucking ugly to dance with. Yeah, but that didn't stop him from going down on me at his mate's cheese and wine party. Yeah, in the bathroom. I had a fucking tap digging into me arse. The whole experience was sit. Still a text would have been nice but oh no, he just fucks off afterwards doesn't me. What a fucking wanker."

``The flashing blue lights at the rave were extremely unflattering.''

``True; because you looked like an ugly wanker, oh but hang on, you still do! Anyway, fuck you! Carlos, what do you want me to sing next?" Elizabeth removed her hand from the buttons on the karaoke machine and slide it over Carlos's crotch. "My fingers wait your orders.''

``Perhaps,'' said Darcy, ``I should have taken the tap end but I didn't want to risk breaking the basin altogether."

``Can you smell something nasty?'' said Elizabeth, still addressing Carlos. ``Oh, it's just your nephew. Fuck off Darcy. ''

``Yes, fuck off Darcy,'' said Carlos, ``you're cramping my style.''

``Really? I would have thought that your wife sitting in the same room as the woman you're making a move on would be cramping your style more. And Elizabeth, the reason I didn't text you after we, after the bathroom...is because...I'm shy. I'm not that confident when it comes to women. Especially ones I really like,'' he added quietly.

``My fingers,'' said Elizabeth still with her hand over Carlos's crotch, ``do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women's do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression on his face. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault, because I would not take the trouble of practising hand jobs. It is not that I do not believe my fingers as capable as any other woman's of superior execution.''

Darcy smiled, and said, ``You are perfectly right. Judging by that bathroom blow job, you have employed your time much better. And no one admitted to the privilege of going down on you, can think anything wanting. We neither of us perform to strangers.''

Here they were interrupted by Belladonna, who called out to know what they were talking of. Elizabeth immediately began playing again. This time she addressed her song to Carlos and to appease Belladonna sang "Frozen". Belladonna approached, and, after listening for a few minutes, said to Darcy,

``Elizabeth would not play at all amiss, if she practised more, and could have the advantage of a London master. She has a very good notion of fingering, but I'd thank her to remove her hand from my husband's crotch. Darcy come and keep pretty little Vatican company.''

Elizabeth looked at Darcy to see how cordially he assented to his cousin's praise; but neither at that moment nor at any other could she discern any symptom of love; and from the whole of his behaviour to Vatican she derived this comfort for Caroline, that he might have been just as likely to marry her, had she been his relation.

Belladonna continued her remarks on Elizabeth's performance, mixing with them many instructions on execution and taste. Elizabeth received them with all the forbearance of civility; and at the request of the gentlemen, remained at the karaoke machine until her Belladonna's Rolls was ready to take them all home.


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32

ELIZABETH was sitting by herself the next morning, and texting to Jane, while Charlotte and Maria were gone on to off licence in the village, when she was startled by a ring at the door, the certain signal of a visitor. As she had heard no carriage, she thought it not unlikely to be Belladonna, and under that apprehension was putting away her mobile phone that she might escape all impertinent questions, when the door opened, and to her very great surprise, Mr. Darcy, and Mr. Darcy only, entered the room.

He seemed astonished too on finding her alone, and apologised for his intrusion by letting her know that he had understood all the ladies to be within.

They then sat down, and when her enquiries after Rosings were made, seemed in danger of sinking into total silence. It was absolutely necessary, therefore, to think of something, and in this emergency recollecting when she had seen him last in Tower Hamlets, and feeling curious to know what he would say on the subject of their hasty departure, she observed,

``Why did you fuck off so suddenly last November? You and Bingley bum chums or somefink? You attached at the hip or what? Him and his sister still having a nice time in the west end?''

``Yes, thank you.''

She found that she was to receive no other answer - and, after a short pause, added,

``So's he coming back to Netherfield Tower or what? ''

``I think not.''

``What a fucking tosser. If he don't want that flat then he should fucking sell it or whatever 'cos that's a nice fucking flat that is.''

``Well, I guess when he gets a good sale price he'll sellit,'' said Darcy.

Elizabeth made no answer other than to suck air through her teeth. She was afraid of talking longer of his friend; and, having nothing else to say, was now determined to leave the trouble of finding a subject to him.

He took the hint, and soon began with, ``This seems a very comfortable house. Belladonna, I believe, did a great deal to it when Colin first came to Hunsford.''

``Yeah, so fucking what?"

``Colin appears very fortunate in his choice of a wife.''

``Oh, piss off! Like you know anything about their marriage. His pecker is so fucking small that he keeps opting for her belly button. Fortunately Charlotte thinks it's funny. I fucking wouldn't. If a bloke tried to shove his dick in my belly button I'd fucking twat him one. So yeah, if you call that fortunate then I suppose he is. She seems OK with it. Fuck knows why. She's saddled herself with an idiot husband and an aggressive bitch of a maid."

``It must be nice for her not to be settled too far from her friends and family.''

``She ain't got no friends apart from me and she hates her fucking family so why should she want to be near them?''

``Well, at least they're not that far away should she feel the urge to visit.''

``You still fucking twittering on about her being close to her family?'' cried Elizabeth. ``Wash your fucking ears out! She don't care. Anyway, Kent is fucking miles away from Tower Hamlets."

``And you are a Tower Hamlets girl through and through. I guess you'll be content to stay there the rest of your life.''

As he spoke there was a sort of smile, which Elizabeth fancied she understood; he must be supposing her to be thinking of Jane and Netherfield, and she blushed as she answered,

``What, you talking about Jane now? Don't even mention my sister's name, yeah. Do it again and I'll fucking deck you."

Mr. Darcy drew his chair a little towards her, and said, ``Your cute when you're angry.''

Elizabeth looked surprised. The gentleman experienced some change of feeling; he drew back his chair, took a Hello magazine from the table, and, glancing over it, said, in a colder voice,

``Are you pleased with Kent?''

A short dialogue on the subject of the country ensued, on either side calm and concise - and soon put an end to by the entrance of Charlotte and her sister, just returned from their walk. The te^te-a`-te^te surprised them. Mr. Darcy related the mistake which had occasioned his intruding on Elizabeth, and after sitting a few minutes longer without saying much to anybody, went away.

``What the fuck!'' said Charlotte, as soon as he was gone. ``He is well in love with you! He ain't never just popped round like that before.''

But when Elizabeth told of his obsession with how far Charlotte lived from her parents, it did not seem very likely, even to Charlotte's wishes, to be the case; and after various conjectures, they could at last only suppose his visit to proceed from the difficulty of finding anything to watch on Sky Sport, which was the more probable from the time of year. All motor sports were over. Within doors there was Belladonna, books, and a billiard table, but gentlemen cannot be always within doors; and in the nearness of the Parsonage, or the pleasantness of the walk to it, or of the people who lived in it, Darcy and Carlos found a temptation from this period of walking thither almost every day. They called at various times of the morning, sometimes separately, sometimes together, and now and then accompanied by their aunt. It was plain to them all that Carlos came because he had pleasure in their society, a persuasion which of course recommended him still more; and Elizabeth was reminded by her own satisfaction in being with him, as well as by his evident admiration of her, of her former favourite Walid; and though, in comparing them, she saw there was less captivating softness in Carlos's manners, she believed he might have the best informed mind.

But why Mr. Darcy came so often to the Parsonage, it was more difficult to understand. It could not be for society, as he frequently sat there ten minutes together without opening his lips; and when he did speak, it seemed the effect of necessity rather than of choice - a sacrifice to propriety, not a pleasure to himself. He seldom appeared really animated. Charlotte knew not what to make of him. Carlos's occasionally laughing at his stupidity, proved that he was generally different, which her own knowledge of him could not have told her; and as she would have liked to believe this change the effect of love, and the object of that love, her friend Eliza, she sat herself seriously to work to find it out. - She watched him whenever they were at Rosings, and whenever he came to Hunsford; but without much success. He certainly looked at her friend a great deal, but the expression of that look was disputable. It was an earnest, steadfast gaze, but she often doubted whether there were much admiration in it, and sometimes it seemed nothing but absence of mind.

She had once or twice suggested to Elizabeth the possibility of his being partial to her, but Elizabeth always stuck her fingers down her throat at the idea; and Charlotte did not think it right to press the subject, from the danger of raising expectations which might only end in disappointment; for in her opinion it admitted not of a doubt, that all her friend's dislike would vanish, if she could suppose him to be in her power.

In her kind schemes for Elizabeth, she sometimes planned her running away with Carlos. He was beyond comparison the pleasantest man; he certainly admired her, and his situation in life was most eligible; but, to counterbalance these advantages, Mr. Darcy had considerable patronage in the Spiritual Centre, and his uncle could have none at all.


End file.
